Around the Bible With Colin

THE OLD TESTICLE
Part 1

Noah appears from a wood, pulling his trousers up.

Noah
Here Colin, that funny fella God just spoke to me again. There I was, taking a dump in the wood & he bellowed at me.

Colin
What did he want this time?

Noah
He only wants me to build a bloody Arc. Then I have to fill it with two of every animal. A male & female.

Colin
Well good luck with that mate. Its 5:30pm. I am off home.

Noah
You don’t understand. The Fella told me he is gonna flood us all out. I have to do it.

Colin
Well you had better start chopping trees then Mate. Starting with that one you just shat on. My dinner is ready. Tina gets cross if it goes cold.

Noah
Awwww give us a hand mate. I will let you Tina & your 75 kids on it, when the floods come.

COLIN SIGHS & THEY START CHOPPING AT TREES.

Colin
Do you know how to build an arc Noah?

Noah
Not a clue mate.

Colin
How are you going to sex a newt.

Noah
(Shrugs)

Colin
I mean an elephant will be easy to sex, but a newt, that’s a different story.

Noah
That funny Fella God, will guide me.

Colin
Noah! How are you gonna catch a lion?

Noah
Run after it of course, then corner it & catch it in this net. (Holds out a childs fishing net)

Colin
But it will roar at you, then gobble you up.

Noah
Nah, that funny fella will have my back.

Colin
Noah, how are you gonna get to Africa to run after & corner a lion, before catching it in this net? (Holds out the childs fishing net)

Noah
Hmmm (Scratches his chin)

Colin
Noah, you will need to go to Alaska after Africa to get a couple of Polar Bears.

Noah
Hmmmm! Maybe if we build the arc first, then sail around the world, catching 2 of each species.

Colin
But Noah, once you have 2 of each species in the f**koff big arc we have to build, how are you gonna stop them from eating each other, or us?

Noah
(Scratches his head) We will have to build cages.

Colin
What out of wood. Have you seen the size of a grizzly bears teeth. It will chew through the wood, let the lions & polar bears out of their cages & they will all eat everybody.

Noah
Hmmmm!

Colin
Noah! (Hands Noah a newspaper). Maybe you had better go take another dump.

That is ace, I mean really good, can't think of anything other than wheres part 2?

This is bloody brilliant!

One question, why is God speaking to him 'again' in the first line of a part 1 sketch?

Ohhhh! Fankoo for the good feedback.

I left out the other convo between Noah & God because it was boring. They just were a bitchin about the laydeez in their life.

That was so believable; I could almost make out the sports section in the newspaper.

Very good indeed Charley.

I can also imagine another sketch with Mrs Noah, trying to work out the place 'settings' of the animals, like a dowager trying to work out place settings at a banquet.

In fact if it were not for the expense of the animals, you could perhaps make a whole sitcom of the Noah story. I wonder if it could be done like "the smoking room" (where you never see the rest of the office) where the animals are alway OOV.

COLIN Enters in somewhat of a panic.

COLIN
Come quick, the Lions are attacking the Unicorns

NOAH
Oh, not again!!

Both exit

I really like this! Brilliant idea. Can definitely go further too.