Pain in the glass

INT. PUB

An overweight, sweaty bloke sits down with his pint and lifts it up to take a sip.

A cockney voice is heard, kinda like Alan Ford’s. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WcG3JRIF05w&feature=related) (in case u don’t know who he is, lol)

VOICE
F**king hell!

The bloke stops before it gets to his lips and he looks around to see if anyone was talking to him. He shrugs it off and continues to lift the glass.

VOICE
F**k me!

The bloke looks around and even leans back to get a view under the table. Again he shrugs it off and lifts the glass to his lips.

VOICE <Disgust>
F**k man, what the f**k you been eating?

FAT MAN
(As if he's hearing voices in his head)
What?

VOICE
I said, what-the-f**k-you-been-eating?

The bloke looks at his glass, which stares right back at him. (Animated)

FAT MAN <Nervously>
Are you talking to me?

VOICE
You may look like a taxi-driver, but you ain't no f**king De Niro. Yeah, I'm talking to you.

FAT MAN
B-but how?

VOICE
I don't know? Maybe I mutated from the toxic chemicals emanating from you filthy pie hole.

FAT MAN
What?

VOICE
Your breath mate, it f**king stinks!

FAT MAN
What do you mean?

VOICE
I mean all those curries and kebabs you've been digesting in that trough you call a gut, are producing smells that a f**king pig would be ashamed of!

FAT MAN
I..I...

VOICE
Are you not aware of heart disease mate? How about prostate cancer? Or are you a stomach ulcer kinda man?

FAT MAN
I’m on a diet.

VOICE
Leaving the salad in a burger is not a f**king diet.

FAT MAN
I’ve lost 10 pounds.

VOICE
Yeah in Burger King! You wanna get running mate.

The man waits for the next insult from the glass.

VOICE <Continued>
Well come on then fatty, there ain’t no time like the present.

The man scrambles up and out of his chair and heads for the exit.

VOICE <Laughing>
That’s it my son, keep those knees up.

A barmaid walks up to the table and picks up the glass and places it on the tray next to a wine glass with a lip stick mark on the rim.

VOICE <To the wine glass>
Hello darlin’ how are you doing tonight?

The tray is carried off into the back as a cackling laugh fades along with it.

END

"Leaving the salad in a burger is not a f**king diet." Brilliant.

Possibly a bit long? The de Niro line's good but could be used elsewhere.

Cheers Bandage, although I was quite pleased with the length.

Yes, not sure about the line about looking lie a taxi driver, and the line about losing 10 pounds in a Burger King was a bit lame, It also ends a bit weakly though. Perhaps you could have the wine glass reject the pint's advances, e.g. "Uggh, beer breath".

Those quibbles apart I thought it was good.

And if you fail to sell it as a sketch you can always recycle it as a public health and safety film.

Quote: Timbo @ May 29 2008, 2:39 PM BST

And if you fail to sell it as a sketch you can always recycle it as a public health and safety film.

View original

Lol, yes I suppose I could. Cheers Timbo.

Hey Leevil

This read to me like a really good advert to promote a fitter lifestyle rather than a sketch. It would shock people into it. Think it works better that way than pure comedy sketch.

Incidentally, I reckon you wouldn't have to refer to the wideboy accent specifically if you just changed all the 'f**k's to 'fahk's. People would probably automatically stick the correct accent on it.

Dan

Yeah, cheers Dan. Wasn't sure how to spell "fahk", lol.