SKETCH COMP 29.5-4.6.08

Congrats to FRED PETERS for winning... again! That's 10 more shiny points and another excuse to look proud and sure-cocked. (PM me for next week's subject please. Otherwise I keep having to randomly search for topics). Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
2 - 10 - Fred Peters
1 - 5 - Chris Forshaw
1 - 1 - Nigel Kelly

Special mention to Afinkawan.

The new subject is TIME TRAVEL, chosen by Otterfox.

Rules:
One entry per person.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything along those lines.
Please try and only post your entry and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 4 June.

Enjoy!

Overall Leader Board is now:

Points - Name

82 - Frankie
82 - Charley Rance
82 - Fred Peters
66 - Jude
60 - Baumski
48 - Michael Monkhouse
36 - Nigel Kelly
31 - Paul Watson
26 - David Chapman
20 - Dannyjb1
20 - Niteowl
20 - Lazzard
17 - Ellie
15 - Otterfox
15 - Leevil
15 - Cinnamon
15 - Dale
11 - Steven
11 - Swerytd
10 - Waring
09 - ajp29
09 - ShoePie
08 - Stylo
07 - Winterlight
06 - Hellboy
05 - Chris Forshaw (NEW!)
05 - Tumble
05 - Bushbaby
05 - Greggles
05 - Happy Shopper
05 - Timothy Marshal-Nichols
05 - Rob B
05 - John Kelly
04 - Andy W
04 - losaavedra
02 - Imamazed
02 - Slack Bladder
02 - Paul Nash
02 - Boits
02 - Gavin
01 - Badge
01 - David Bussell
01 - Wayne Lewis
01 - Charisma
01 - Skibbington von Skubber
01 - Ginger Jesus
01 - Nick Rivers
01 - Daddy Maz
01 - Martin Bickle
01 - Batman
01 - Ray Dawson
01 - Marion
01 - Tooting Jo

Spot any mistakes? There may well be, I'm a head-dick, so PM me. Thanks

INT. TV STUDIO

PRESENTER

Welcome to Science Tomorrow. Time travel has long been a staple of science fiction, but could it ever be a reality? I have here in the studio to discuss this interesting question with me, Professor Hans Glockenspiel of the Zurich Institute of Physical Sciences. Professor, you would say that time travel is impossible?

PROFESSOR

Not necessarily.

PRESENTER (SURPRISED)

A theoretical possibility then, but of no practical applicability?

THE PROFESSOR INDICATES WITH A GESTURE OF HIS HAND, MAYBE NO, MAYBE YES.

PRESENTER

But such a technology would be beyond anything that we are currently able to imagine?

PROFESSOR

No, that is not the case.

PRESENTER (PUZZLED)

So what would be a realistic timescale for such a technology. Thousands? Hundreds of years?

PROFESSOR

Less.

PRESENTER

What then?

PROFESSOR

Actually (BEAT) it already exists.

PRESENTER

Good grief!

PROFESSOR

Yes, I have myself built a time-machine.

PRESENTER

You are not being serious Professor?

PROFESSOR

Quite serious.

PRESENTER (FROM THIS POINT ON HIS TONE IS INCREASINGLY SARCASTIC)

And when Professor do you propose to unveil this wondrous invention?

PROFESSOR

As a matter of fact I have it with me.

PRESENTER

You have it with you, here? And can we see it?

PROFESSOR

Most certainly.

THE PROFESSOR TAKES HIS TIME-MACHINE OUT OF HIS POCKET AND PLACES IT ON THE TABLE BETWEEN THEM.

PRESENTER

That, Professor, appears to be a machine for rolling cigarettes.

PROFESSOR

I re-used some parts.

PRESENTER

And with this you can travel backwards - and forwards? - in time?

PROFESSOR

Yes, I can go back, and then I can return.

PRESENTER

And no doubt change history!

PROFESSOR

But of course.

PRESENTER

Perhaps then you would care to give us a demonstration?

PROFESSOR

What would be the point? To the observer in the present nothing would appear to have changed, since the change would have occurred in their own past.

PRESENTER, TURNING TO CAMERA

I think the Professor has been using his "time-machine" for rolling more than tobacco.

CUT TO CLOSE UP OF PROFESSOR, WHO SHRUGS

PRESENTER

Next week on Science Tomorrow...

THE PRESENTER IS WEARING A NECK BRACE, HE HAS A BLACK EYE AND HIS ARM IS IN PLASTER.

THE LOCATION IS AN ADMINISTRATIVE OFFICE OF THE SECRET BRITISH GOVERNMENT DEPARTMENT FOR TIME TRAVEL. A FORMAL LOOKING MAN IN A GREY SUIT IS SAT BEHIND A DESK.

A YOUNG WOMAN ENTERS THE ROOM

CIVIL SERVANT : Inward or Outward bound?

WOMAN : Pardon?

CIVIL SERVANT : Are you coming back from your travel or about to travel?

WOMAN : Oh sorry, I've just returned from Dallas, 1963 and I fired the fatal bullet from behind the grassy knoll and ...

CIVIL SERVANT : (interrupting) no need for detail, do you have form 24b?

WOMAN : Yes it's here (she hands the paper to the civil servant and he glances quickly at it, stamps it and puts it in a tray)

CIVIL SERVANT : you can go

WOMAN : But don't you want to hear ....

CIVIL SERVANT : no lots of people to see, please go

AS THE WOMAN LEAVES SHE IS PROCEEDED BY A MAN WHO TAKES THE SAME SEAT

CIVIL SERVANT : Inward or outward?

MAN : erm, outward I guess...

CIVIL SERVANT : (holding out his hand) Form 24b?

MAN : Actually mine's a form 24a

CIVIL SERVANT : (he takes the form from the man and a half-smile replaces his sullen demeanour) Well, well, well who's a lucky boy

MAN : I'm not sure what you mean, where am I going?

CIVIL SERVANT : You're going forward to friday night to get the Euromillions result.

MAN : (looking a bit crestfallen) Is that all? I thought i might be going on an adventure ...

CIVIL SERVANT : (interrupting) Plenty of time for that when you have your winnings

MAN (now smiling broadly) Oh wow I get to keep the money then?

CIVIL SERVANT : (shaking head) Not all of it, we have wages to pay you know - off you go now.

AS THE MAN LEAVES HE IS PASSED IN THE DOORWAY BY TONY BLAIR WHO SIDLES IN RATHER SHEEPISHLY

CIVIL SERVANT : Ah, Mr Blair take a seat

TONY BLAIR : (sitting down) I have talked with Gordon and we have both agreed that I should go to Iraq in January, 2003 and plant some WMD so the weapons inspectors can find it and that the whole Iraq invasion saga can be seen as a triumph for me.. and Gordon, of course ... (grins)

CIVIL SERVANT : Jolly good, do you have your form?

TONY BLAIR : (hands over a gold embossed form) it's a special one

CIVIL SERVANT : (looking unimpressed) so I see. Ok, Mr Blair please go through that door over there (he points to a gold door in the corner of the room), here is your WMD (He hands him a very large jiffy bag. Tony Blair walks through the open door and closes it behind him - a flash of bright light can be seen from underneath the door which then extinguishes.

CIVIL SERVANT (picking up the phone) Hello Prime Minister, yes, he fell for it. He'll arrive in Baghdad just as the statue of Saddam falls on his head. The WMD? Ah, yes, I got John Prescott to fill that bag for me just after lunch (he lets out a sycophantic laugh). Glad to be of service Prime ...

BEFORE HE CAN FINISH HIS SENTENCE THE ROOM CHANGES IN AN INSTANT AND ANOTHER CIVIL SERVANT DRESSED IN GREY IS SAT IN HIS SEAT READING A COPY OF THE TIMES. THE HEADLINE READS "TORIES WIN 2ND TERM BY A LANDSLIDE"

Scientists made a time machine tomorrow.

A mate of mine told me that time travel is basically moving between two different points in space time, now if only he could go back in time and not learn that... he may have got laid before he turned 28.

INT. A HOUSE - DAY

James is sat at a table reading the paper. Craig runs through the door

CRAIG
James! I discovered how to go back in time!

JAMES
Don't be silly

CRAIG
No seriously. Look if I turn this dial on the side of my watch back a minute (turns the dial on his watch) Look! Now my watch says it's a minute ago!

JAMES
Are you taking the piss?

Another Craig runs through the door

CRAIG
James! I discovered how to go back in time!

INT. HOME. MAN BURSTS THROUGH LOUNGE DOOR TO FIND THE BIG MATCH IS ALMOST OVER.

MAN:
Oh shit, shit.. don't tell me the score.. I gotta sort this..

THE MAN RUSHES OUT TO THE GARDEN SHED AND BUILDS A TIME MACHINE WITH GARDEN TOOLS AND GARDENING PARAPHENALIA, PUSHES THE GO BUTTON AND TRAVELS THROUGH TIME AND SPACE TO A JUNGLE. THERE IS A TIME COUNTER ON THE MACHINE THAT READS, '1896'.

MAN:
What? Where's the f**king game?

A NATIVE BOY IN A LOIN CLOTH AND TOP HAT, SMOKING A CIGAR ANSWERS IN AN UPPER CLASS ACCENT.

NATIVE:
Actually, it's right behind you, old chap..

THE MAN LOOKS BEHIND HIM TO SEE A TIGER ABOUT TO POUNCE.

MAN:
Bloody hell..

THE MAN JUMPS BACK ON HIS TIME MACHINE AND GENTLY NUDGES THE GO BUTTON AND TRAVELS FORWARD IN TIME TO SOME TRENCHES IN A FIELD. THE TIME COUNTER NOW READS, '1915'.

MAN:
Eh? Has it started yet, how are England doing?

SOLDIER (FROM TRENCH):
Blimey, where'd you come from? Better get your head down squire!

THE MAN LOOKS AROUND TO SEE BARBED-WIRE, SMOKE, GUNFIRE AND A FIRST WORLD WAR TANK IN THE DISTANCE.

MAN:
Oh shit..

THE MAN JUMPS BACK ON HIS TIME MACHINE AND PRESSES THE GO BUTTON REALLY HARD AND THIS TIME ENDS UP IN A WORKSHOP NEXT TO GOD. THE TIME COUNTER READS, '0000' AND GOD IS JUST ABOUT TO PULL A LEVER. THERE IS A SIGN ABOVE THE LEVER THAT READS, "BIG BANG LEVER - PULL TO CREATE UNIVERSE".

MAN (KICKS TIME MACHINE):
I wish I'd never bothered with this f**king thing, I only wanted to see the big match..

GOD (ANNOYED):
That's the trouble with you bleedin' humans, always interfering with my work, I've a good mind not to bloody bother.. (GOD GRABS THE LEVER) What do you think, shall I or shan't I? I'm in two minds - you decide!

MAN (IN A HUFF):
Well, don't bother for my sake.. I'll never see the match now..

THE MAN SLOWLY FADES AND DISAPPEARS AS GOD SIGHS AND TAKES HIS HAND OFF THE LEVER, REMOVES HIS BROWN WAREHOUSE COAT AND HANGS IT UP BEHIND A DOOR. HE THEN OPENS A FRIDGE STACKED WITH 'HEINEKEN' BUT THE BEER SLOWLY FADES AND DISAPPEARS.

GOD:
Oh shit, I forgot that lot came from ASDA!

TWO TEENAGERS CHATTING.

MIKE
I've invented this machine. I
can go back in time.

SAM
Piss off you talk through your arse.

MIKE
Watch this then...

HE FLICKS A SWITCH ON THE MACHINE AND DISAPPEARS BACKWARDS UP HIS MOTHER'S WOMB

SAM
Well, not exactly your arse.

DINNER AT THREE

A LARGE STOMACHED MAN MAN PUTS SOME POTATOES INTO A ROASTING TIN WITH A JOINT OF BEEF AND VEGETABLES ALREADY IN IT. HE PUTS THEM IN THE OVEN AND LOOKS AT THE CLOCK ON THE WALL - 12 O'CLock. HE RUBS HIS STOMACH THOUGHTFULLY, CLEARLY VERY HUNGRY AND WALKS OVER TO A DOOR WITH A SIGN ABOVE IT SAYING ‘TIME TRANSPORTER’

HE STEPS INTO THE ROOM AND GOES THROUGH. COLOURED LIGHTS FLASH THROUGH THE GAPS OF THE DOOR SURROUND AND THE HANDS ON THE CLOCK ABOVE IT SPIN ROUND TO THREE HOURS LATER.

THE MAN COMES OUT OF THE ROOM AND GETS THE ROASTING TIN, WITH EVERYTHING NOW COOKED.

HE GOES BACK INTO THE ROOM AGAIN AND THE LIGHTS FLASH ONCE MORE WITH THE CLOCK WINDING BACKWARDS THIS TIME - to 12 O'CLOCK.

CUT TO THE KITCHEN DOOR OPENING AND THE MAN, A LOT THINNER, COMING IN FROM THE GARDEN, IT IS THREE O'CLOCK.

HE RUBS HIS HANDS EXPECTANTLY AND CROSSES TO OPEN THE OVEN DOOR TO SEE THAT HIS FOOD HAS GONE.

MAN:
For God’s sake! Not again.

HE TIGHTENS THE BELT ON HIS TROUSERS WHICH ARE CLEARLY TOO BIG FOR HIM AND STOMPS OFF TO THE GARDEN.

THE FATTER VERSION OF THE MAN COMES OUT OF THE TIME TRANSPONDER DOOR, LOOKS FURTIVELY AROUND, NICKS A PACKET OF BISCUITS FROM THE CUPBOARD AND GOES BACK THROUGH THE TIME DOOR.

END

INT. BASEMENT.

Two tracksuited youths are standing in a basement, in front of a large metal wardrobe-shaped object, with lots of intricate panelling and lights on the outside.

DAMIAN: Bruv, it's finished! We've actually done it!

DANNY: We invented a time machine! Mate, we're gonna be famous!

DAMIAN: Come on let's have a go! (climbs inside) We'll be safe as houses. Quick peek at the 16th century, then back in time for tea.

DANNY CLIMBS INSIDE WITH DAMIAN. DAMIAN PULLS A BIG RED LEVER, AND LIGHTS INSIDE THE TIME MACHINE FLICKER ON AND OFF. SOUND EFFECTS MAKE IT SEEM LIKE THEY'RE TRAVELLING INCREDIBLY FAST. ALL OF SUDDEN THERE IS A LOUD CRASH, AND THE LIGHTS INSIDE THE TIME MACHINE GO OUT.

EXT. DAY. 16th CENTURY CENTRAL LONDON

DAMIAN AND DANNY STUMBLE OUT OF THE TIME MACHINE. A SMARTLY DRESSED MAN IS LYING DEAD ON THE FLOOR NEARBY.

DAMIAN: Oh my days we've killed someone (goes to inspect body)

DANNY: Come on let's get out of here.

DAMIAN: What's this? (Picks up a bundle of paper lying next to the body)

DANNY: Bruv, have a look at that. It's the Globe! It looks brand new!

DAMIAN: Danny, look at this...

DAMIAN PASSES THE SMALL BUNDLE OF PAPER TO DANNY. ON THE FRONT PAGE WE SEE, HANDWRITTEN, "ROMEO AND JULIET, BY WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE"

DAMIAN: We just killed William Shakespeare. And he'd only written the first act!

DANNY: Shit...come on, we can put this right...

CUT TO: INT. CLASSROOM OF POSH BOYS GRAMMAR SCHOOL. PRESENT DAY.

TEACHER: Charles, if you could read the next passage please.

A BOY IN A SMART BLAZER STANDS UP AND BEGINS TO READ

CHARLES: (deep breath) Mercutio! Wagwan my brethrin? Has you set eyes on me Juliet? She is banging bruv...

FADE TO: INT. NEWSROOM.

NEWSREADER: And finally, today there was outrage amongst many GCSE English students as, for the first time in history, students at comprehensive schools performed better than their counterparts at grammar and private schools. The Conservative Party, in particular, are demanding a remark.

END

LIFE ON EARTH

INT. DAY. A LIVING ROOM. SAM TYLER TYPE (FROM LIFE ON MARS) IS LYING ON HIS LIVING ROOM FLOOR.

V/O
My name is Sam Tyler. I had an accident, and I woke up in 2025. Am I mad, in a coma, or forward in time?

CUT TO EXT. DAY, A STREET

SAM IS GETTING UP FROM THE GROUND. HE IS APPROACHED BY TWO YOUNG MEN. ONE IS WEARING CROTCHLESS TRACK SUIT BOTTOMS, TWO PONCHOS AND ODD TRAINERS. THE OTHER IS WEARING THREE VESTS, JEANS WITH AN ARSE WINDOW AND SLIPPERS.
THEY EYEBALL EACH OTHER.

Man 1:
Baaah!

Man 2:
Baaah! What’s to do, muffin man? You chocka hopsed off your block?

Sam:
Excuse me?

Man 1: (mocking)
Excuse me! This gent is apocalypsed out of his helmet. You been on the Mephistopholes Super?

BOTH MEN TAKE OUT A SHERLOCK HOLMES-STYLE PIPE AND PUT IT IN THEIR MOUTHS.

Man 2:
Comme ci comme ca. Let’s Baz him, lick his currency.

Man 1:
Gazzump him right off.

A CAR DRIVES BY WITH MUSIC BLARING OUT, WHICH SOUNDS LIKE A DIDGERIDOO WITH YODELLING OVER IT.

Man 2:
Stop! It’s Yodelmaster B!

THE MEN START DANCING BY RHYTHMICALLY MIMING MASTURBATION, WHILST STAMPING THEIR FEET AND KEEPING THEIR HEADS COCKED AND THEIR TONGUES OUT. SAM TAKES THIS OPPORTUNITY TO PUNCH THEM TO THE GROUND.

V/O
Whatever's happened, it's like I've landed on a different planet. Now maybe if I can work out the reason, I can get home.

SAM TAKES THE MEN’S PIPES OFF THEM AND CLICKS THEM TOGETHER.

Sam:
There’s no place like home, there’s no place like home, there’s no place like home.

SAM LOOKS DOWN TO SEE THAT HE IS WEARING RUBY SLIPPERS LIKE DOROTHY’S FROM THE WIZARD OF OZ.

Sam:
Oh bollocks!

THE CAMERA CRANES UP AND ROTATES 360 DEGREES AS SAM LIES ON THE GROUND. SFX: ‘SOMEWHERE OVER THE RAINBOW’.

FADE TO BLACK

TEXT: TO BE CONTINUED.

WES IS PETTING A DOG OUTSIDE AN ELECTRICAL STORE WHICH IS RUN BY HIS GOOD FRIEND GER. WES ENTERS THE SHOP.

WES:
Thats a lovely dog outsi...

GER EXCITEDLY INTERRUPTS.

GER:
Wes! You've got to come back with me!

WES:
Why? Where? I got in trouble for going behind the counter before. Remember, you got annoyed because I sold a grassy man to a Noel Gunn.

GER:
No. You sold a grassy knoll to a gun-man. We had travelled back in time to Dallas in November 1963 and we all know what terrible event happened then.

WES:
I know, poor J.R.

GER HAS A CONFUSED LOOK ON HIS FACE.

GER:
We travelled through time once before and I have it working again. We can go be time travellers, the two of us.

WES:
Not this again. I don't have time for this messing about. Look, the missus sent me in to get appliances for the new house.

I need a fridge-freezer, a washing machine and dryer. I've become very domesticated in my old age. Now I know how the dog felt like 15,000 years ago.

GER:
Thats it! You love dogs don't you. Lets go back 15,000 years and witness the domestication of the dog.

WES THINKS FOR A SECOND.

WES:
Ok. C'mon then.

WE SEE A BIG FLASH OF LIGHT. WE CUT TO TYPICAL SIGHTS AND SOUNDS OF 15,000 YEARS AGO.
WE GET A CLOSE-UP OF A DOG WALKING ALONG. WE PAN OUT AND SEE A CART STRAPPED TO HIM. IN THE CART WE SEE A WASHING MACHINE AND DRYER.

INT. DAY. PUB.

A MAN (STEVE) IS AT THE BAR WHEN HE IS APPROACHED BY ANOTHER MAN (JIM).

JIM: Well Steve, long time no see. What have you been up to?

STEVE: I've been at the time travelling Jim.

JIM: You what? Y'know Steve, you're a fluent shite talker but time travelling, come on. (to barman) Gimme a pint of what Steve's drinking.

STEVE: Honest to God, Jim. I'm not bullshitting you.

JIM: What time did you start drinking?

STEVE: (winks to barman) I was in Australia tomorrow and I got back to Britain today, ha, ha.

JIM: Bastard!

Comp's over! I'm shooting off so let's keep the voting open till midnight Sunday.

Frankie Rage for moi pawease!