Bond novel

JAMES BOND IS ON STAGE HE IS POINTING A GUN AT BLOFELD, A PUBLISHER STANDS TO ONE SIDE.

BOND

So Blofeld your volcano gun is destroyed, you were errupt to no good, any last words?

BLOFELD

Yes Mr Bond, I have one last request...do these slacks make my bum look big, I've been really bloated, and...

PUBLISHER

Right we're not using Helen Fielding's Bond, next.

BOND

So Blofeld, your banana gun has lost it's appeal and....

BLOFELD

I'm not Blofeld, I'm Lord Voldemort, prepare to face death by 800 pages of poorly edited monotony.

PUBLISHER

Ok Rowlings is a no goer.

BOND

So Blofeld your...hang on I've just washed a huge Chinese dinner down with a can of carnation milk, (vomits)

BLOFELD

Mr Bond you truly are the bestest ever Deputy Prime minister ever, and Gordon Brown is a big knob.

PUBLISHER

And nix John Prescott, how about Sebastian Faulkes.

BOND

Couldn't be worse than Cheri Blair's book.

I think you're onto something here -- it's a *great* idea! However, the style of the authors needs to come out really well to make it work effectively. The stylistic ones will work better. Drop Helen Fielding and use Alexander McCall Smith's Ladies Detective Agency stylings and up the Rowling content (make it *properly* Bond-esque and then ruin it by the appearance of a broomstick and wand or something)

Play & Record might like this -- work on it before the next series. Apparently they'll be looking for sketches in the next couple of months.

Really good concept though. Don't let it pass!

Dan

I agree with Dan, but use a stronger punch (the Cherie thing was a topical gag anyway, I know)