Horrible tea.

Many years ago I used to work for a large retailer on the High Street. This may sound a little like the outdated, (and now unacceptable to modern sensibilities), 1970's 'Mind your manners' sit-com, but it actually happened to me, (apart from the final line) - and afterwards the customer laughed like a drain and would often visit never failing to laughingly remind me of 'that day'. Being blokes we both agreed to blame the incident on the salesgirl - but by god, when enunciating his words, he didn't half roll his rrrr's even though he spoke English extremely well.

INT. DAY. A BUSY SUPERMARKET. A SERVING COUNTER IN THE
SPECIALIST TEA AND COFFEE SECTION. AT THE COUNTER IS
MARY. SHE IS SERVING A CUSTOMER. HOVERING IN THE
BACKGROUND IS MR SMITH.

MARY: Mr Smith, could you help me with a customer query please?

MR SMITHf course.

(Turning to CUSTOMER)

Can I help you sir?

CUSTOMERIn ethnic immigrant accent)

Yes please. May I have some of your excellent, horrible tea?

MR SMITHConfused, he pauses to think)

It’s excellent tea is it?

CUSTOMERh yes it is.

MR SMITH:But it’s also - horrible?

CUSTOMERh yes. Just like back home.

MR SMITH:Ahhh.... So it’s excellent tea, and much better than the horrible tea you’re used to back home?

CUSTOMER:Yes it is.

MR SMITHTo Mary) See how easy it is when you take time to listen and show some patience?

MARY LOOKS GLUM.

MR SMITHTo CUSTOMER) Now sir, which brand of tea would you like?

CUSTOMER:Horrible tea please.

A CONFUSED MR SMITH, REACHES OUT TO THE DISPLAY BEHIND
HIM AND PLUCKS A CARTON OF TEA AT RANDOM, THEN PLACES IT ON
THE COUNTER.

CUSTOMER:No, No, No - I want horrible tea!

MR SMITH:I beg your pardon - We do not sell horrible tea.

CUSTOMER:Yes you do! I see it now. It’s that one there.

(Points to the display)

MR SMITH:What, this one?

(Picks the tea that was pointed out)

Look for the final time - This is not horrible tea. This is....

(Reads from the packet of tea)

....herbal tea.

CUSTOMER:Horrible tea, yes.

MR SMITH:Herbal tea?

CUSTOMER:Horrible tea, yes.

MARY STARTS TO SNIGGER. MR SMITH THROWS HER A LOOK THAT
SILENCES HER.

MR SMITH:Ahem.... So there you are sir - herbal tea.

CUSTOMERn second thoughts, could I have some coffee instead?

Haha I love this! I really, even if it's a little stupid of me, didn't realise what was going to happen until it did! Really funny imho.

Funny. Nice sketch. Just a suggestion, could you do something more with the payoff line? e.g. "I'll go for coffee"

Like it too. Nice one.

Dan

Erm didn't like it long journey, for not the strongest punch

It's as weak as tea made with stone cold water - as sooty says, a long journey for what is just a weak one-liner.

Also - I presume "In ethnic immigrant accent" is probably meant to mean Indian accent. If an 'ethnic immigrant' working at a production company read that line (and apparently some of THEM have jobs that aren't in corner shops) they would probably bin it straight away.

S/B/Floozy, Griff, Billwill, Badge and Swerytd - thanks, glad you enjoyed it. And Badge yes, the payoff line could do with a brush-up, however, after posting the sketch on here I've no more interest in it.

Sootyj - fair enough. Different strokes/folks and all that.

But Barbs, oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. Bad hair day? I'd have been happy at just the first line of your opinion. That's fair enough. But the second para shows you may have 'issues'.

I mean what gives with: "and apparently some of THEM have jobs that aren't in corner shops"? I think the chip on your shoulder is showing.

This reminds me of last Christmas when council offices up and down the country banned staff from putting up Christmas decorations in their offices on the grounds it would be offensive to non-Christian staff. What they meant was staff who were Muslims, but preferred to hide behind the 'non- Christian' moniker for safety. All non-Christian groups were appalled at something they had no problem with whatsoever, in any way, shape or form - it was council employed PC loonies who made a problem where previously none existed. Your comments Barbs, remind me of that mindset. You'd fit in well on local council 'thought-police' duties, inventing 'issues' where none exist.

And I don't for one minute believe any of the ethnic minorities working in prodco's would be as small-minded, or as racist as you paint them to be. But you, in my opinion, do appear to suffer from those conditions yourself.

Chill out, you're on a comedy website, why so po-faced?

P.S. Joe Doce could never bring out his 1981 hit single, (which endeared itself to the whole nation): 'Ah shaddup your face', in today's climate could he? Killjoys like you would report him for countless offences, even though it was a loving tribute in memory to his father.

Can I jsut say I am a council worker, and hate how my office, is always filled, with Xmas shit, every f**king Xmas.

I f**king demand the right to bring a flame thrower to work during Xmas.

And stab the bitch who always gets so exited about f Xmas parties for the office.

Next December I'm moving to F**king Iran, and I'm f**king Jewish.

If one is taking this situation at all seriously interms of production.

Then Dannyk play to the hypocrisy I'm afraid.

Racism, sexism, homophobia, antisemitism (Jewish or Muslim ) won't get made

ironic racism (e,g, by Blacks and Asians), ironic sexism(e.g. by women), ironic homophobia (e.g. by Gay people ok).

Fat, ugly, learning disabled, mentally ill, poor people, all fair game.

It's a carousel whose acceptable to pick on. But you ignore it at your peril.

And yes it's hypocritical horse shit.

Sootyj, Could you rephrase the second part into something a little more comprehensible, as I don't know what point you're trying to make? A couple of articles and pronouns here and there, wouldn't go amiss either.

Quote: Danny K @ May 29 2008, 5:52 PM BST

P.S. Joe Doce could never bring out his 1981 hit single, (which endeared itself to the whole nation):

View original

I don't think it endeared him to Midge Ure though

I liked the sketch and don't want to get involved the political hiatus that has followed as it all seems very petty.

Simple point, there's prejudicial humour thats ok, and will get produced.

And there's stuff that won't get produced.

By the way that jokes so old, I think Noah may have saved it from the flood.

Racist and original may work, racist and unoriginal......

Ahh that's better. For a minute there I thought English wasn't your first language.

"By the way that jokes so old, I think Noah may have saved it from the flood."

You may have a point there. I once had four sketches broadcast on an ITV sketch show. Ever since, ITV has gone down hill faster and faster.

"Racist and original may work, racist and unoriginal...... "
Eh?!? Pray tell, what did you find racist in either the sketch or my subsequent posts?

you're lengthy reply is quite amusing Danny - the assumption that I'm part of the PC brigade.

I was simply annoyed at your extremely lazy phraseology which implies an us and them. The tone probably wasn't even intentional, just the result of sloppiness.

I'm possibly about the least PC person you would meet, but hey ho.

As for the humour - like I said, it's weak not withstanding all the sycophantic praise.

But, to be honest, that seems to be a feature of this forum. Some pretty weak stuff gets lavish praise and then people are surprised when they send off their supposedly great skits to prod companies and get nothing but negative comments back.

"sycpophantic praise." You've just insulted five members of this forum. Is that your thing? Being offensive?