Do talk to strangers

Just posted this in Scott Evan's writers request thread. Might as well ask for feedback as well, thanks.

EXT. STREET - DAY

A shady looking man approaches a lone kid leaned up against a wall.

SHADY MAN
Hey, are you alone?

KID
Yeah, my mates didn't show up.

SHADY MAN
Oh no, what a shame. Well if you're not doing anything, do you want to come with me and see my puppy? I have sweets too.

KID
Sure.

They walk off together.

CUT TO:

INT. CAR - DAY

The Kid and Shady Man sit in his car. A puppy sits on the boys lap and he holds a huge lollipop is his hand but looks down, disappointed.

SHADY MAN
What's wrong?

KID
I was expecting something else.

END

Original edit

Quote: Leevil @ May 28 2008, 12:51 PM BST

Just posted this in Scott Evan's writers request thread. Might as well ask for feedback as well, thanks.

EXT. STREET - DAY

A shady looking man approaches a lone kid leaned up against a wall.

SHADY MAN
Hey, are you alone?

KID
Yeah, my mates didn't show up.

SHADY MAN
Oh no, what a shame. Well if you're not doing anything, do you want to come with me and see my puppy? I have sweets too.

KID
Sure.

They walk off together.

CUT TO:

INT. CAR - DAY

The Kid and Shady Man sit in his car, a puppy sits on the boys lap as he holds a lollipop is his hand.

KID
(Disappointed)
Oh, so there really was a puppy and sweets.

SHADY MAN
What was you expecting?

KID
I dunno, a hand job or something?

END

I'm not sure whether the last two lines are needed?

View original

It's good, if not entirely original

Very good. I'd leave the last two lines in, but remove the puppy and sweets line, though, as we can already see them. And the lollipop would have to be a big comedy one.

Cheers dudes, good point Bandage.

This reminds me of a joke I heard a while back.

"A shifty looking man pulls up to a boy walking along the side of the road. The man says to the boy 'I'll give you a lollypop if you get in the car'. The boy replies 'If you give me the bag I'll let you f**k me'"

Good one though.

Haha

Rewrite is definitely better.

I liked it. Very Simpsons:

"I can be very, VERY persuasive . . ."
(cut to)
"PLEEEEASE! Awww, please leave town! I'll be your friend forever!!"

Haha, I love this one Leevil. =)

Thank you y'all.

I read this on Scott Even's thread and really liked it. Though, I wish you'd post something rubbish occasionally, it'd make me feel better about myself. You writers, pah, no thought for others feelings.

Thank you Rebecca, that's most kind.

No... really. Post something rubbish goddamnit.