Police Watch

V/O: And now from the makers of Crimewatch and Crime Stoppers comes the all-new Policewatch. We get the lowdown from the lowlife and invite former criminals to present the show so that you the viewer are better informed. And now we go live to POLICE WATCH . . .

INT. EVENING. TELEVISION STUDIO. THUMPING, CONSUMER WATCHDOG TYPE MUSIC, PLAYING OVER A SCREEN CREDIT, WHICH READS, ‘POLICE WATCH’. IN THE BACKGROUND, A BANK OF COMPUTERS WITH A HANDFUL OF BUSY STAFF DASHING TO AND FRO.

FRONTING THE SHOW ARE BLACK EYE-MASK MAN (DICK), AND NYLON-STOCKING MAN (RICK).

BLACK EYE-MASK MAN IS WEARING A HORIZONTALLY STRIPED JERSEY, BLACK TROUSERS, BLACK GLOVES AND A BLACK EYE MASK CONCEALING HIS IDENTITY.

BLACK EYE-MASK MAN: Welcome to Police Watch, brought to you in association with Police Stoppers. The programme where you the viewer, get to play an important role in the prevention of justice, and the reporting of police whereabouts.

(Walks to centre of studio)

BLACK EYE-MASK MAN: Now, has anyone seen this man?

CUT TO AN ONSCREEN PHOTO-FIT PICTURE OF A SMILING, INOFFENSIVE, MILD-LOOKING MAN.

BLACK EYE-MASK MAN: This is a photo-fit picture of PC 4759 who patrols Manchester Road. If you were in that vicinity last Thursday, and have knowledge of his comings and goings, then please ring the number now showing at the bottom of your screen.

ALONG THE BOTTOM OF SCREEN, DISPLAY THE FOLLOWING MESSAGE,

"POLICE STOPPERS - RING 0123 4567891"

BLACK EYE-MASK MAN: You’ll be doing a vitally important service, because we’re pulling off a job there this Thursday and we need to know his routine - Rick....

CUT TO: NYLON-STOCKING MAN.

NYLON-STOCKING MAN IS WEARING A HORIZONTALLY STRIPED JERSEY, BLACK TROUSERS, BLACK GLOVES AND A NYLON STOCKING OVER HIS HEAD CONCEALING HIS IDENTITY.

NYLON-STOCKING MAN: Are you the owner of one of these rare and beautiful brass candlestick holders?

(Holds up a brass candlestick holder)

NYLON-STOCKING MAN: Because if you are, please contact us and tell us where you live - As we can get a whole lot more for a matching pair - Dick....

CUT TO:

BLACK EYE-MASK MAN: Finally, remember that what you’ve seen tonight, doesn’t affect everybody. So don’t worry unnecessarily. In fact, statistics show that less than 1% of us, will ever encounter a Police Officer. And if you are one of the unlucky ones who is affected, remember this, you’re only likely to lose a video, or a DVD, if you own a TV. So if you’re watching us . . .

NYLON-STOCKING MAN . . . We’ll be seeing you. Ta-ta for now and sleep soundly.

Blimey no swearing, very family-orientated and unusual for this site! I liked it. You could have had the copper blacked out to protect his identity at first and then suddenly switch the light on him perhaps but it reads well

I think if filmed right this could be very funny. Not sure about the cartoon burglar get up though. I would go for a grittier feel and would either have them both with stocking on their heads, or with their faces unlit.

One suggestion for tightening the dialogue:

LACK EYE-MASK MAN: This is a photo-fit picture of PC 4759 who patrols Manchester Road. We are trying to build up a picture of his movements. If you were in that vicinity last Thursday, and have knowledge of his comings and goings, then please ring the number now showing at the bottom of your screen.

ALONG THE BOTTOM OF SCREEN, DISPLAY THE FOLLOWING MESSAGE,

"POLICE STOPPERS - RING 0123 4567891"

BLACK EYE-MASK MAN: You’ll be doing a vitally important service, because we’re pulling off a job there this Thursday - Rick....

It's good, but I'd reveal it's a crims program, later on. Have the lead in more like a regular Crimewatch episode, and then put the twist in at about half way.

Also how about a punchline riffing on, "Don't have nightmares,"

Alan: 'blacking out' - your point is also picked up by Timbo so you may have a point.

Timbo: Your tightening up suggestion works more than well, you must be a regular viewer of crimewatch - go on admit it, you're hiding behind all the grannies enjoying Crimewatch with them

Sootyj: Another crimewatch regular viewer I thought they closed with 'sleep soundly'. If it's 'Don't have nightmares', then I stand corrected.

One of the things I like about satire and most sketches is that they can often highlight absurdities that we generally take for granted in day-to-day life. This sketch was in response to Prodco's who come up with duff reality shows.

- Kids being taught by 1960's school rules.
- How clean is your house etc., etc.,
- And what's that one called where they played with someone's poo on screen just to see what they've eaten?

And who was the exec who got that Dominic guy and a swarthy looking ex-con together to burgle people's homes to show them how lax their security was? In every episode the wife always, always, ended up in tears at the broken windows and mess etc., Dominic would hush his voice in sympathy, uncertain whether to stop, but some mental headcase was willing him on, off-screen. No surprise it never got picked up for a second series.

I do fully expect one of these nutters to set up a show fronted by ex-cons one day. I really do. In the meantime I bet they're busy filming 'Coping with your gran dying' in which we're invited to watch the final seconds of people expiring on screen. There's not much left to excavate for these reality shows is there?

- Although, saying that, they've played with poo, but they haven't yet done one of actually watching people having a crap have they?

- I bags copyright fees! I'll have the format in your email box by return.

Oh that's from the early 80s I am an old bastard.

In which case riff on the current one.

Sleep soundly or we'll have to stab you, when we burgle your houses.
Sleep soundly unless you're Jimmy the Grass, cos you'll be sleeping with the fishes.

But I would give it a later reveal.