PRESENTER
Good afternoon. On this edition of Arts About we are lucky to have with us the 2008 winner of Loaded magazine's Top Bloke To Have A Pint With award, Pat "The Pliers" Driscoll.
Pat...
(PAT LOOKS AT HIM)
er...Mr. Pliers, there has been a lot of discussion recently about whether the media glorifies criminal violence. You were sentenced to life in prison, for (CHECKS NOTES) disembowelling a business associate with a pickle-fork.
PAT
Regrettable, but in the line of business I was in, what you can't have is people finking that your soft.
PRESENTER
And what line of business was that?
PAT
Hurting people.
PRESENTER (WATCHING HIS WORDS)
Um...But do you think it right that someone so vi... someone so brut... someone so... (GIVES UP) that you should be held up as role model for today's young men?
PAT
Depends don't it.
PRESENTER
Depends on what?
PAT
On whether they're hard enough.
PRESENTER (HURRIEDLY CONSULTING NOTES)
Perhaps we can move on to discussing your film career, particularly your role as Mr Bennett in Guy Ritchie's controversial new adaptation of Pride and Prejudice. I understand that the scene where Mr. Bennet rips off Mr. Collins head and pisses into the hole was not in the original script?
PAT
Naa, there was all this poncey dialogue, about me not talking to me gel if she marries the <BEEP>. Guy says to me, "You don't want to do that, do you?" So I kicked some ideas about with the lad who had done the screenplay, and when I'd done kicking him, Guy asked me what I'd've done if it'd been me.
PRESENTER
Critics have suggested that Mr. Bennet's reaction is perhaps a little extreme.
PAT
It's all about context innit? The bastard had been knocking off Mrs. Bennett.
PRESENTER
Yes, as far as I can recall that wasn't in Miss Austen's novel...
PAT
No? What about where he ties up Eliza and rapes her up the arse with a...
PRESENTER (HURRIEDLY)
No, that wasn't in the book either.
PAT
Best bit of it. 'Part from the all the lesbian sex of course. (LEANS OVER AND NUDGES PRESENTER WITH HIS ELBOW) Five sisters? At the same time! That Darcy bloke couldn't half put it about!
PRESENTER
Pat "The Pliers" Driscoll, it has been a pleasure.
CAMERA PULLS BACK TO REVEAL THAT THE PRESENTER HAS WET HIMSELF. STUDIO LIGHTS OUT. FADE.
