Some time ago I 'knocked of' this skit in reply to a post on another forum/blog. It was wasn't quite in keeping with the thrust of the blog thread itself, but rather sparked off by something one of the posters alluded to. After posting it, I liked it so much, instead of forgetting my post, I copied and pasted it into a file. It's never seen the light of day from that day to this, (well it is a rainy Bank Holiday Monday today). So here it is.
It came about due to me reading about police officers being torn off a strip by their superiors for speeding about in police cars, the blame being put on impressionable young officers aping the cop shows on TV.
I started wondering, what if our local doctor's started aping the antic's of Dr House in Channel 5's House in an attempt to appear like some misunderstood medical genius?
Suppose you had a very minor cough and went to the doctor's and met someone like that? Might the visit go something like this:
PATIENT: (COUGHING REPEATEDLY), Doctor, can't seem to get rid of this persistent cough.
DOCTOR: You're lying - all patients lie.
PATIENT: What? (COUGHS AGAIN), No, it's true, I do have a cough.
(THE DOCTOR THEN NOTICES A POOL OF WATER COLLECTING ON THE FLOOR, DRIPPING FROM THE PATIENTS SHOES).
DOCTOR: You're not coughing - that's sweat on the floor. You're hyperventilating!
PATIENT: Chance would be a fine thing, in this weather.
(DOCTOR GOES MISTY-EYED. IN AN EUREKA MOMENT AND WITH A FARAWAY LOOK, MUMBLES 'THIS WEATHER' AND TURNS TO STARE OUT THE WINDOW AND NOTICES THE RAIN FALLING OUTSIDE.)
DOCTOR: (TURNS BACK AND STARES AT PATIENT). Your Hands!
PATIENT: Yes, yes. Oh God, what about them?
DOCTOR: First, I'm not Oh God. Second, they're empty when one of them should be clasping an umbrella. And your coat.
PATIENT: My coat? But I'm not wearing one.
DOCTOR: Exactly! You should be. That's not sweat, those are raindrops. You're not Hyperventilating. I see now the raindrops were disguising themselves as sweat droplets - but it was the rain that gave the game away. As I've said, all patients lie. You've simply come in here to escape the rain. The rain has now stopped. You're cured, go home.
(HE STARTS TOSSING AND CATCHING A BALL, NOW UNINTERESTED IN THE PATIENT.)
PATIENT: But my cough?
DOCTOR: That's your body telling you to buy an umbrella or a raincoat. Sheesh! Yeah-hhhh? Go buy an umbrella and the cough will stop.
PATIENT: Good god, how did you know?
DOCTOR: Stop calling me God. God had nothing to do with it. I know because I'm a doctor. Now get out of here.