Found in an old folder....
I went to the local kebab shop after the pub this weekend and ordered a doner, the bloke serving put the meat in and was ready to give it to me but before he did I asked him for some chilli sauce. Quick as a flash General Pinochet appeared from round the corner and pinched my arse.
A man walked into a bar and asked "Can I have a cocktail?". So the barman turns to him and says "Once upon the time there a penis called Derek..."
I just noticed my kettle has started stealing from me, first a couple of tenners from my wallet, then my watch and now my stereo. I phoned the police, he told me the area is renowned for it's criminal ELEMENT.
A bloke goes to his local supermarket, but there is only one small space left. He tries to get in the space but makes a complete dogs dinner of it, he's not very good at this maneuver (Could be autobiographical). Several people gather round watching him go backwards and forwards repeatedly. Then on his seventeenth attempt a man splits from the crowd and opens his door."Having a bit of a problem there mate? Just hop out and let me have a go." Reluctantly the driver gets out of the car, but rather than get in the helpful bloke throws his jacket in the car and walks off. Nothing happens for a bit, then suddenly the car springs into life and with one fluid movement fits nicely in the space. The driver is amazed. "Thank you very much. I've never seen anything like it. That's fantastic. What kind of coat is that?"
"Oh!" Replies the man. "That's a Parker"
Orville the duck rang up Emu last week to ask if he fancied going
fishing. Emu replied, 'I'd love to, Orville me old china, but I
don't appear to have a rod.'
