INT: High street bank. Modern office. Middle-aged BANK MANAGER sitting behind desk, tapping on computer keyboard.
BANK MANAGER:
(picks up ringing phone) Send him in, Carol.
CUSTOMER enters.
BANK MANAGER:
Ah, Mr Uphill. Thanks for popping by. Take a seat.
UPHILL:
Thanks very much.
BANK MANAGER:
Now, Mr Uphill, we've read your business start-up loan application, and it all seems to be in order. Your business plan is very impressive, and your five-year plan seems realistic in the current climate . . .
UPHILL:
Great . . .
BANK MANAGER:
. . . There's just one thing.
UPHILL:
Oh?
BANK MANAGER:
Yes. Your company's name.
UPHILL:
What's wrong with it.
BANK MANAGER:
(reads application) "Uphill Gardening?"
UPHILL:
Well, it's a gardening firm. My name's Uphill. What's wrong with that? (beat) Oh, is there already an Uphill Gardening?
BANK MANAGER:
I would doubt it.
UPHILL:
So what's wrong?
BANK MANAGER:
Are you not aware of the connotations? Do you not know what 'uphill gardening' means?
UPHILL:
"High-quality horticulture at affordable prices." It's in the mission statement.
BANK MANAGER:
No, Mr Uphill, it means buggery. Now, we are prepared to offer you the loan on condition you change the name.
UPHILL:
No, I won't have it. I'm a proud man. I come from a long line of entrepreneurs. I'm going to have to think of something else. I used to work for my uncle Marty Schirt. He had a crane-hire firm. Maybe I can set that up again under its old name.
BANK MANAGER:
What was it called?
UPHILL:
Schirt Lifting.
BANK MANAGER:
I don't think so . . .
UPHILL:
Well then there was Uncle Manny's business. He used to provide the vacuum apparatus builders use to lift panes of glass.
BANK MANAGER:
Uncle Manny? What was his name?
UPHILL:
Manny Koch.
BANK MANAGER:
And the company's name would be Koch Suckers, am I correct?
UPHILL:
Oh? You've heard of them.
BANK MANAGER:
Not exactly . . . I'm sorry, Mr Uphill, I don't think we'll be able to help you.
UPHILL:
But I'll be ruined. I don't have any qualifications. I'd put my heart and soul into Uphill Gardening. It was a passion.
BANK MANAGER:
No qualifications? What did you do when you left school?
UPHILL:
I was a rent boy.
BANK MANAGER:
Let me guess, you collected rent for the council, didn't you?
UPHILL:
That's right. (beat) Mind you, the pay was rubbish, so I got my beer money by gobbling off poofs.
