Quote: Kim Griffin @ May 24 2008, 12:19 AM BSTThat and my criminal record ..
You Scots and your criminal records 
School Year Book Page 3
Quote: Kim Griffin @ May 24 2008, 12:10 AM BSTIf its funny its funny.
You'll need to be a comedy genius to have people ignore poor writing and grammar because you have a funny idea.
Good luck.
Adults tormenting children is always funny, so you're on rock solid foundations with this one. A grown man using a year book as a hitlist is great.
A few issues though. I think you'd do well to set the scene to begin with. Like where are the characters having this discussion? Without that firmament I always feel a little adrift when I start reading.
Also, despite it being a funny idea, it's marginally let down by sloppy formatting and some middling dialogue at the end. Hopefully not difficult things to fix.
PS. Thanks for linking to that Snuff Box sketch, I hadn't seen that before.
Quote: Kim Griffin @ May 23 2008, 9:59 PM BSTsorry, il defend comedy I dont even like to the death. As a comedienne ive watched acts I cant bear while thinking 'this is awwwfull' while I watch an audience roll around guffawing at them. All styles deserve respect. Any style you have ever heard of will have made a mark historically otherwise it wouldnt be an established style.
Well said, the sketch aint bad either - It does need rewording I think the revealing of the man should be more of a shock... I'm finding it hard to explain but I hope you get the idea.
Quote: M Lewis @ May 23 2008, 10:35 PM BSTREAD out what you write.
You should take your own advice before commenting on others grammar and spelling.
And Lewis as usual you have valid points but, again, as usual, you put them across in the most arrogant and condescending way.
Cheers Paul, thats really nice of you.
David, I totally get what your saying, I've said throughout this thread that I mean to totally redraft it (the 2nd half in particular)
Quote: M Lewis @ May 24 2008, 10:18 AM BSTYou'll need to be a comedy genius to have people ignore poor writing and grammar because you have a funny idea.
Good luck.
M Lewis, you are reading a forum, I'm not going to make it THAT grammatically pretty or well-written for you, I post it here to see if its funny, if it is then I consider putting real work in to it. Theres no point in putting in that work if people don't find it funny.
Quote: Kim Griffin @ May 24 2008, 11:26 AM BSTDavid, I totally get what your saying, I've said throughout this thread that I mean to totally redraft it (the 2nd half in particular)
When you post a 1st draft of anything up, make sure you remind everyone a lot, I posted a first draft of a sitcom up a while back, I wish I put it in block capitals 
A very good idea!
Quote: Kim Griffin @ May 23 2008, 11:02 PM BSTOK so in response to your repetition opinion, I won't be recording how I speak because I have real conversations with real people and several of my converations have started out with 'ok' or 'right then'. I get your point as much this time as I did the first time..
I think the problem with this route is that what happens on a TV screen doesn't mirror real life. I mean, you never see anyone make little mistakes like trap their seatbelt in the car door, scratch their nose, fumble for words etc.
Those things will happen on screen only if it's for a reason.
I don't know how well I've explained myself, but there needs to be some sort of 'fake reality' enforced.
Yup I know, don't make it difficult unless something is happening around it.
EDITED VERSION
School Year Book
written by Kim Griffin
humourfirst@hotmail.co.uk
Characters - 2 males, age non-specific
SETTING NON SPECIFIC
John sits flipping through the school year book.
PETER:
What's that you're reading?
JOHN:
School year book, hey do you remember Jenna Black? Remember when I tripped her up and she broke her nose?
PETER:
Yeah, she was raging.
JOHN:
And James Edwards, remember I used to flush that pansy's head down the toilet every lunchtime?
PETER:
Listen John..
JOHN:
And Stacey Harkins! I made her throw up remember?
PETER:
Aye I do, but John-
JOHN:
She used to throw up when she saw me, she was that scared! I threw stones at her-
PETER:
John!
JOHN:
What?
PETER:
Stop hurting school kids!
JOHN:
What? C’mon Peter…
PETER:
It's wrong John, your 26! Who did you steal that year book from? What you do to these kids is wrong!
(Takes the yearbook from John)
JOHN:
Oi!
PETER:
(Reading the name on the book cover)
Go and say your sorry!
JOHN:
Aw Peter-
PETER:
Go!!
Kim, nice improvement but I feel a bit of a trim would help improve this along with a bit more on the end, I don't seem to see much of a punchline.
May I suggest an ending?
------------------------------------------------------
JOHN goes over to hand back the book.
in the background you see him tormenting the child by waving the book just out of the little boys reach.
PETER
John! For the love of god!
JOHN hangs his head and gives the child back the book.
END.
Just a suggestion, it's been a few months since I wrote a sketch so I'm a bit rusty.
Kim
This is a really funny idea but I definitely agree with those who have said it could be just as funny - and probably moreso - if you trimmed it a bit. Maybe one heavyweight punchline after the reveal. Have you considered making the protagonist a teacher?
Not sure "Non Specific" works as a location, by the way!
I think the teacher joke has been done a lot before, this is slightly disconnected from that.
Cheers for the ideas.
Actually if you made Peter a Headmaster and John a teacher it might make that impact at the end.
With Peter taking the book off him at the end with a reveal such as "John, for a maths teacher you're a sick little twat"!
I think the teacher idea is funny, but again I'm reluctant to use it because I'm worried I'll get the 'not very original' feedback.
It could use a trim, I'll make the ending punchier.
This sketch is having a troubled birth to say the least...