School Year Book

EDITED VERSION IS FURTHER DOWN THIS THREAD!!
EDITED VERSION IS FURTHER DOWN THIS THREAD!!
EDITED VERSION IS FURTHER DOWN THIS THREAD!!

School Year Book
written by Kim Griffin
humourfirst@hotmail.co.uk

PETER:

What's that your reading?

JOHN:

School year book, hey do you remember Jenna Black? Remember when I tripped her up and she broke her nose?

PETER:

Yeah, she was raging.

JOHN:

And James Edwards, remember I used to flush that pansy's head down the toilet every lunchtime!

PETER:

Listen John..

JOHN:

And Stacey Harkins! I made her throw up remember?

PETER:

Aye I do, but John-

JOHN:

She used to throw up when she saw me, she was that scared! I threw stones at her-

PETER:

John!

JOHN:

What?

PETER:

Leave the f**king kids alone!

JOHN:

What? C’mon Peter…

PETER:

It's wrong John, your 26! Who did you steal that year book from? What you do to these kids is wrong!

(Takes the yearbook from John)

JOHN:

Oi!

PETER:

(Reading the name on the book cover)

Maggie Murray. Right then, well I’m going over to Maggie’s mother now to hand it back. I’m so disappointed in you, I want you to go downstairs to the pub and I don’t want you back here till you think about what you’ve done. Go.

JOHN:

Peter c’mon-

PETER:

Go...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This line...

"PETER:

(Reading the name on the book cover)

Maggie Murray. Right then, well I’m going over to Maggie’s mother now to hand it back. I’m so disappointed in you, I want you to go downstairs to the pub and I don’t want you back here till you think about what you’ve done. Go."

This line in particular I want reworded to sound funnier and less sudden, but I dont have time till the 26th...

F**king Woe

PETER

Maggie Murray, right I'll take it back to her mother and tell her that Maggie agreed to take part in the experiment and that it was an unfortunate coincidence that the bus turned the corner at that exact moment ... yes she's bound to understand

JOHN
Tell her she owes me for the bus fare as well
PETER
John!

Ha, I like the content of that but I'm worried it would drag the sketch on a bit. After the twist that he is beating up kids is delivered i feel i should wrap it up pretty quickly.

PETER

Maggie Murray, I should have guessed where that wheelchair had suddenly appeared from.

JOHN
not the wheelchair, tell her I lost it!
PETER
John!

to be honest, ive just read it there again and i think the 2nd half of it needs tweaking, the lines arent rolling off funny. Do you think the idea is strong enough though?
x

Quote: Kim Griffin @ May 23 2008, 7:52 PM BST

to be honest, ive just read it there again and i think the 2nd half of it needs tweaking, the lines arent rolling off funny. Do you think the idea is strong enough though?
x

View original

I quite like it - it's your usual style which I tend to like and if it was performed as a sketch the visuals and delivery would be all important. You seem to want it to be quick and snappy and yet I think it could be developed more slowly with John exhibiting some increasingly worrying physical traits when reading the yearbook?

Something that would help your flow is word repetition - i dont know much about comedy (so wont comment on the humour) but i write presentations and find repeating words kills flow.

John says "remember" twice in his first line then again in his second and third. In his fourth line he says "threw" and then "throw" and "she" three times.

Peter says "wrong" twice in the same line then in his penultimate line says "I'm going" "i'm so" "i want" and "i don't".

Little things but the difference between writing something that sounds ok and something that sounds superb is little things.

PS- Your & you're is an easy error (i do it all the time) but it jumps out and says "this hasnt been checked"

Maybe like this?

PETER:
What's that your reading?

JOHN:
School year book. Hey, do you remember Jenna Black? I tripped her up and she broke her nose?

PETER:
Yeah, she was raging.

JOHN:
And James Edwards, I used to flush that pansy's head down the toilet every lunchtime!

PETER:
Listen John..

JOHN:
Stacey Harkins! I made her throw up she was so scared.

PETER:
Aye I do, but John-

JOHN:
She only had to see me coming.

PETER:
John!

JOHN:
What?

PETER:
Leave the f**king kids alone!

All good points made. Can't wait till I have some proper time rather than just stupid half hours here and there. If anyone knows anything about statistics please get in touch with me!!!

I actually get what you mean about repetition, it can be ok if its just for trying to make the scene look realistic but at the same time it can kill the flow.

My view is get your ideas down on paper and if it's funny fine tune it with formatting etc. If the basic idea is not very funny then move on.

It's a phenomenal idea, and it works, but you can compact the last half alot for more impact.

Maybe reduce it down to 2 lines or so.

Quote: sootyj @ May 23 2008, 9:05 PM BST

It's a phenomenal idea, and it works, but you can compact the last half alot for more impact.

Maybe reduce it down to 2 lines or so.

View original

You guys seem to have a preference for speed sketches - the faster the sketch the quicker it is forgotten. Name me a famous sketch that lasts for less than a minute and that is not visual and I will change my attitude.

Watch Monty Python

and for more recent wonders try this, for here is the idea of a sketch I wish I had written.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I66aySW4le8

Quote: Kim Griffin @ May 23 2008, 9:32 PM BST

Watch Monty Python

View original

I was weened on Monty Python and nothing of any importance lasts less than a minute. They wrote many, many feeder sketches that no one ever remembers.

I think to say that short sketches don't make a mark on comedy is a bit narrowminded, sorry.

Quote: Kim Griffin @ May 23 2008, 9:36 PM BST

I think to say that short sketches don't make a mark on comedy is a bit narrowminded, sorry.

View original

I watched the link to YouTube and the first joke sets up the character and all subsequent jokes are then understandbly short because the character has been established and the punchline expected. The first joke takes it's time adds atmosphere and space and the punchline is a surprise - the others are him behaving in type and you are expecting the conclusion if not the brevity. Without the first, longer set up the other jokes wouldn't be funny.