Bernard Manning live on DVD sketch

Who remembers them old Condom adverts where it was telling people not to be embarrased about buying Condoms. Well I've come up with a similar thing about somebody who wants to buy a Bernard Manning DVD but is worried in case he'll be accused of racism.

NARRATOR: Meet Fred, he's a big fan of Bernard Manning and he can't wait to buy Bernard Manning's new DVD. Though obviously it's not the easiest of DVD's to buy. But Fred is going to be confident and just go in HMV and buy it. Fred arrives in HMV but can't find it. He's still confident and goes and asks an assistant for help

(Fred goes and asks the assistant,Dave who is a big beast of a man and a man
who hates racism- he has a T-Shirt on saying I HATE RACISM)

FRED: Have you got the new Bernard Manning live DVD? I find his material really funny.

(Dave punches Fred)

NARRATOR: Fred is now a bit less confident but still determined to get his DVD.

(Fred walks into another HMV with a bloody nose)

NARRATOR: To be more careful now, he buys 10 shitty £3 DVD's and puts the Bernard Manning DVD in the middle not to arouse suspicion.

(A young lady called Jane serves him)

JANE: My my, you're buying a lot of DVD's aren't you

(Fred passes Jane all the DVD's. Jane drops them all on the floor. She picks them up and one by one scans them. The last one is the Bernard Manning DVD. She can't find the price and has it held up high trying to find the price. Loads of people in the store can see what Fred is buying)

JANE: I can't find the price. Janet, do you know the price.

JANET: Dave will know

JANE: But Dave is working in the other shop down the road

JANET: No, he's just come here. We'll go and ask him. Just come with me Sir

(They go to Dave- who is the beast of an assistant from the last shop)

JANE: Excuse me this man wants this DVD and I don't know the price

(Next Scene. Fred leaves HMV with a bloody nose and two black eyes)

NARRATOR: Oh well, he can always buy it online.

(An Amazon parcel arrives at Fred's house. He opens it up but there is only a note in it saying RACIST BASTARD)

NARRATOR: Oh well, it will have to come down to this

(Fred is seen going into some bushes wearing sunglasses. He picks up the DVD. A magpie, a black and white bird does his business on him and flies off singing the tune of Ebony and Ivory)

Any feedback very welcome. Positive or negative.

What does everybody think then?

Any feedback anybody. PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm not a fan of this, it takes a long time to make a very simple point.

And not a wildly funny one.

I'f you cut it down to a quick interaction maybe? Or hd him buy a tack of more embarassing ones to hide the BM one?

Fair enough Sootyj all feedback is very welcome positive or negative.

I think the underlying idea of someone being so hated for buying a Bernard Manning DVD that it would illicit such a violent response was a bit of a stretch for me. Without that suspension of disbelief it didn't really get me chuckling. However if you believe in the idea I think a good edit could sharpen things up - maybe even getting rid of the narrator altogether as he doesn't seem to add much to the sketch?

Bo.

I think the idea is great, but I'd lose the narrator. It slows it down and spoils the gag points in advance. It's like you're telling us too much, when it would be better for the audience to discover his embarrassing problem as he shops.

But be careful with how you do it in the end, cos although it's a new twist, the sketch idea of the embarrassed shopper is pretty old. Woody Allen did it with a porno mag in one of his early funny films (Bananas, I think?). And Larry David did a "tribute to the same idea" in an episode of Curb when he buys Colon-cleanse for Cheryl.

I really don't get this bit:

NARRATOR: Oh well, it will have to come down to this

(Fred is seen going into some bushes wearing sunglasses. He picks up the DVD. A magpie, a black and white bird does his business on him and flies off singing the tune of Ebony and Ivory)

What is the DVD doing in some bushes?

Not a bad idea but let down by the overly expositional narrative element. Used badly, voiceover shows a lack of faith in one's writing. Can the sketch not survive without it? Is it adding anything the audience wouldn't be able to understand without it being there? In this case I think not. I say you're better off playing it straight.

For the record, I think I get what you're aiming at in the woods at the end. Is it supposed to be like he's found a porno mag? As for his critic, I'd change the magpie to a crow and just have him just poop on the guy. Makes your message a bit clearer I think.

The magpie is because it's black and white together (visual allegory) and the tune Ebony and Ivory reinforces it on two more levels (the song theme and the writers) so the magpie is a layered gag that some may not get a first time but it was a nice tie-in for me.

And yes, loose the narrator - unneeded.

You are clearly new to the task of writing scripts, but keep at it.

The idea of this sketch is OK, but your script is over-long. A script is a set of instructions to a production team it is NOT a short-story or a novel.

You have to write ONLY WHAT THE AUDIENCE CAN SEE. There is no point in writing stage directions of what a character's inner thoughts or mentality is.

The voiceovers are unnecessary. They spoil the effect in most cases; you have to write the dialog & set the scene with the stage instructions, so that the voiceover is not needed. Oh, and I suggest you stop the sketch at the point where FRED is seen with two black eyes.

so: (Fred goes and asks the assistant,Dave who is a big beast of a man and a man who hates racism- he has a T-Shirt on saying I HATE RACISM)

becomes: FRED enters a DVD store. DAVE (big, beeefy) wearing a T-Shirt saying "I HATE RACISCM" is behind the counter.

and so on.. You do the rest and post it below so that both versions can be seen for the edification of other newcomers.