WE ARE IN A RATHER SCABBY OFFICE, THE KIND WHERE PEOPLE SELL DOUBLE GLAZING. 3 WOMEN TINA (OVER MADE UP, LONG SKIRTS, AND CAREFULLY MADE UP SCRUFFY HAIR, SOME ONE WHO IS TRYING TO LOOK LIKE A BOHEMIAN BUT FAILING.) JANE (ALICE BAND, THICK TIGHTS, BIG SMILE, SENSIBLE SKIRT AND CARDIGAN LOOKING ,LIKE A SLOAN WHO SHOPS AT ETAM), AND LEANE (BAGGY TSHIRT, HAIR BUNDLED BACK AND STUCK IN PLACE WITH GRIPS, OLD FRANKIE SAYS TSHIRT, LOOKS LIKE SHE DON’T CARE, BUT LOOKS BETTER THAN THE OTHER TWO).
JANE
So girls how was your weekend? Me and Jeffrey had a super time we…..
LEANE
Bought flowers at the garden center, and looked at furniture at Ikea on Sunday, before…
TINA
Before having a triffic’ Sunday lunch at a gastro pub that was…
LEANE
In the Telegraph last week.
TINA
And was on Ramsey’s kitchen nightmares last week.
JANE
Oh crikey, have I become that obvious, still that’s married life for you.
TINA
You only got married 6 months ago, and suddenly you’re Felicity Kendall on valium.
LEANE
So what did you gels get upto this weekend?
LEANE
I’m 24 I’ve got 4 kids, 2 dogs, and half a cat, if you call me a Gal again, I may strangle you with your own alice band. Anyway it’s a cleaning weekend.
TINA
Good old spring clean, polish the wooden floor and all that.
LEANE
I wish, I had to worm the dogs, and de-nit the kids. It’s my own stupid fault for washing them all in the same bath last week. In the end I just wormed ‘em all, give social services one less thing to give me a hard time over.
JANE
There but the grace of God…..
TINA
Half a cat, how does that work?
LEANE
Well the milk man ran Genghis Cat over with his milk float. We complained and the company sent us £500 in vet vouchers. He’s got 3 legs, no ears, one eye, and half a tail. I reckon that makes half a cat.
JANE
The poor thing, wouldn’t it be less cruel just to let him die.
LEANE
Oh he does alright. He did the hamster, and he got the neighbours Chihuahua, yapped something awful it did, till Genghis done him. He add it on it’s back and he was chewing it’s……
JANE
Err Tina how was your weekend.?
TINA
Oh I had a date, with a real charmer. He’s dashing, and sweet, and works for a charity, and so handsome. And very athletic.
JANE
Gosh sounds super, so did it work out? How could you tell he was athletic?
TINA
Well I saw him, and then I waved, and then I saw him running very fast for the Tube.
JANE
Umm not that good then? Tina you’re a lovely girl, but how can I put this……
LEANE
You advertise your self worse, than a holiday to Afghanistan. One look at your sandals..
JANE
Your recycled handbag, with a Bronte sticking out.
LEANE
Your oh so bohemian hair.
JANE
And that skirt, and bosh they’re off. No guys going to hang around with a gal who looks like your going to want to talk about past lives, and star signs.
LEANE
Unless they’re gay, or an astrologer, or both.
TINA
I don’t know what to do Match.com. has returned my money.
LEANE
Well I saw this thing on Jeremy Kyle yesterday.
JANE
How do you watch Jeremy Kyle, you’re at work.
LEANE
I Sky Plus it. There’s this girl who met her husband through this agency. Last Chance Romance, it’s for those like you know, what’s the word, losers.
TINA
I’ll go and google thanks, Leane you’re a real pal.
TONY COMES UPTO THEM, HE IS A SWEATY, NASTY SUITED, BALDING, MESS OF A MAN. AS HE SPEAKS TO THEM, HE GAZES UP AND DOWN LEANE’S FIGURE, HIS HAND PLAYING POCKET BILLIARDS.
TONY
Shouldn’t you girls be back at work. Tea break over, chop chop, or smacked bottys all round.
TINA HURRYS OFF, JANE AND LEANE STAND AROUND TALKING FOR A BIT LONGER.
LEANE
Now he really is a wanker, look where he’s going.
TONY IS SCUTTLING OFF TO THE GENTS.
JANE
Yuck, atleast he isn’t hanging around school gates.
LEANE
If he hung around my kids school, I’d cut his bleeding cock off, and beat him to death with the soggy end.
JANE
Lovely, now this Last chance Romance, what’s it all about.
LEANE
Oh yeh, it was on the episode, If you commit crime don’t waste my time. This silly bint, got a date with them. And it was an escaped bank robber, he held her hostage for a week. They don’t do any safety checks.
JANE
You don’t think Tina would be that silly……
LEANE
Nah not even Tina’s that desperate.
CUT TO THE OUTSIDE OF A GLOOMY, OLD OFFICE BUILDING. TINA IS LOOKING AT THE ENTRY SYSTEM. THE STICKERS READ,
24 HOUR SOLICITORS, WE SPECIALISE IN ABH, GBH, AND TAX EVASION
24 HOUR ABORTIONIST, AND STD CLINIC.
24 HOUR PSYSCHIATRIST, VALIUM, AND RHYTALLIN PRESCRIPTIONS GURANTEED.
LAST CHANCE ROMANCE.
UNDER THAT SOME ONE HAS SCRAWLED SEEMINGLY IN BLOOD, LAST CHANCE YOU RUINED MY LIFE, I HOPE YOU BURN IN HELL!
LEANE LEANS FORWARD SEE’S THERES SOME BLOOD ON THE BUZZER, WRAPS A FLORAL HANKEE AROUND HER FINGER.
NOTHING HAPPENS, SHE PRESS’S AGAIN. AFTER A WHILE THE DOOR BUZZES THERE IS NO VOICE FROM IT.
SHE ENTERS AND WALKS UP THE STAIRS, THIS IS A REALLY FOUL BUILDING.
THERE’S STAIRS MISSING, STAINS COVER THE WALLS. THERE’S EITHER A TRAMP SLEEPING ON THE FLOOR, OR HE’S A CORPSE. SOME DOORWAYS ARE BOARDED UP, OTHERS HAVE THEIR DOORS MISSING. LIGHTS FLICKER ON AND OFF.
I’LL KILL YOU IS SPRAYED ALL THE WAY UP THE WALL.
AT THE TOP OF THE STAIRS IS A GRIMY DOOR, STUCK ON IT IS A PIECE OF A4 PAPER SAYING
LAST CHANCE ROMANCE
BENEATH SOME ONE HAS SCRAWLED ON THE DOOR
GO HOME NOW!
SHE KNOCKS ON THE DOOR IT SWINGS OPEN, THE OFFICE IS IN DARKNESS.
TINA
Hello any one here? Hello, it’s me Tina.
THERE IS SCRABBLING SOUND AND A LIGHT IS SWITCHED ON ILLUMINATING THE ROOM
IT IS A SCUZZY OFFICE, THERE IS A DESK WITH SEVERAL PARTIALLY FINISHED SPIRIT BOTTLES ON IT. BESIDES THE DESK IS A MATRESS AND BLANKET. OVER THE DESK IS DRYING A SKIRT, ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE DESK IS A BATTERED FILING CABINET.
KATHY STANDS BY THE LIGHT SWITCH, SHE IS A RADDLED 50 SOMETHING WOMEN, WITH BADLY TINTED RED HAIR, SHE IS WEARING A SHIRT BUT NOTHING ON HER LEGS.
KATHY
Who are you? If you’re the landlord, I sucked your dick last week that should be good for a week, if I owe you money, you can get lost.
TINA
Err no my names Tina, I was hoping to use your dating agency, but you didn’t have a phone number.
KATHY
Bastards cut me off last week, how can you offer to suck the dick of some faceless corporation? You don’t mind if I don’t put my skirt on it’s still drying.
TINA GOES TO LEAVE.
KATHY
Where are you going?
TINA
I just don’t think, this is the right place for me, sorry I should go.
KATHY
If you found this place, if you rang the buzzer, if you came up here, then your at the end of your tether, I’ve got dates. Dates who’ll see you, I don’t think your going anywhere.
TINA
Ok, ok.
KATHY
Good that’ll be £50, cash.
TINA
Do you want my preferences, the kind of man I’m hoping to meet?
KATHY
Couldn’t give a stuff, just turn up, and don’t tell any one you booked with us. Capiche.
TINA FUMBLES IN HER PURSE AND COUNTS OUT £50
KATHY FLICKS THROUGH THE FILING CABINET.
HANDS TINA A THICK MANILLA ENVELOPE.
KATHY
That’s his name, where you’re meeting, and a request list. He’s a bit funny, oh and if you see a guy in a suit downstairs, bit squinty, with a facial tattoo.
TINA
Send him up,
KATHY
Nah could you tell him, you found me dead under the table. He’s a bailiff.