Cockney Scratcher Monologue
Cockney Builder: Scratchings great innit, I cant get enough of it, me. I love it. Absolutely fantastic way to relax. If I've got the slightest tickle, especially when I'm on the bog, somewhere sensitive like me balls or me arsehole... I can spend up to an hour just scratching away while I have a sit down piss.
A sit down piss is the best way innit... my mate always says it's better to av a sit down piss than a stand up shite, and he's right bless him, but he's in a wheelchair now so he don't really have the choice no more.
It was him what got me more into scratching. He has a stick which he straps to his wheelchair to reach awkward tickles on his legs and feet... must be a psychological thing with him though cos the doctor says he cant feel a thing in his legs after he fell of the crane. Lucky to be alive really.
Anyways, when he was getting better in hospital, I used to help scratch his back, and you should've seen the look on his face, he was f**king loving it, so I hiked up me jumper and asked him to give my back a scratch, and I just didnt want it to stop. We just couldnt get enough of it.
We'd hang around together at his place when he got outta hospital, just to scratch, and then I got a few of our other mates involved... now we don't know what we'd do without it.
We regularly hold what we call scratch orgies... we sit around in a circle so everyones getting a piece of the action. It started out just scratching with our hands, then Dave, one of the lads, turned up one week with a broom... next day we all chipped in to buy a couple of multi-purpose hand sanders to take a bit of the work out of it, and for different scratch sensations, rough smooth hard soft etc.
If you're not careful, you can over do it can draw blood so you gotta be careful. I once scratched the bridge from balls to arse area surrounding me arsehole so hard I couldn't shit straight for a week.
I had fun scratching the scab off though when it was ready. Now, I dont wash myself very often, just so I get the odd dag between me arse cheeks. Dags are great itch catalysts.
I even deliberately contracted scabies, what a week that was. I got a patch of it on my inner thigh that I scratched for so long and hard that the scab turned septic. I had to get it checked out at the doctor, they referred me to the burns unit at the local hospital.
I've had to tone things down since the skin graft. I dont go for intensity now, I place more value in different scratching experiences, which is why I put an ad in the paper to see if anyone else was interested. I set up a website to reach a wider audience, and there's a promotional film on the internet showing that its not a filthy, its just safe, mutual scratching for the purpose of relaxation.
You should try it mate, I tell ya... You wont regret it.