Trumpeteer-ocide

Trumpeteer-ocide - West Country man who hates trumpets, and trumpeteers.

Police: So why did you kill all these people?

Alf: Because I hate trumpets, I bloody hate all brass instruments... but I have particular disdain for the trumpet. Hate the f**king despicable sound it makes. String instruments I like. Brass, no.

Police: But what's that gotta do with all these people? Are you suggesting that you killed them because they liked trumpets, and you don't?

Alf: Yeah, although it wasn't my original intention. I started buying trumpets on the internet and from trumpet shops and hiding them in my shed. I thought that I could buy ALL the trumpets, you know, to get them out of the hands of people, but then I realised that I couldn't afford to buy ALL the trumpets, there are just too many trumpets out there and it would've taken too long. By the time I realised this I had 4 sheds in the garden, all full of trumpets, and I was skint from buying all these trumpets, so I started selling them off on the internet, even though I didn't want to because it would mean more trumpets back out there making trumpety noises... so I had to come up with another plan... and I turned my attention to the trumpeters themselves

Police: What, so to stop people from playing the trumpets that they were buying from you, you laced the inside of the trumpets with poison for each of the trumpeteers to inhale?

Alf: Yes. I had 1104 trumpets to sell, all different types... bass trumpet, piccolo trumpet, and also 118 cornets. I hate cornets too, but not as much as trumpets. Trumpets are just evil, the devils instrument, and therefore, by association, so are trumpeteers. I'd sold about half of the cornets, and have about 70 trumpets left. I also have 4 bugles, but I stopped collecting them because I don't mind bugles quite so much.

Police: Well thats that then... do you have anything else to add?

Alf: What will happen to the trumpets I haven't sold yet?

Police: Alfred Cyder, I'm charging you with the trumpet related mass murder of 899 individuals between the years of 2001 and the present day. You do not have...

Alf: Couldn't you come up with a better name for my crime than trumpet related mass murder?

Police: ... you do not have to say anything but anything you do say will be given in evidence. Do you have anything to say?

Alf: Trumpeteer-ocide! Ha!

I think you need to cut down Alfs bits and give it a snappier ending. Dialogue was nice to read though, liked the idea of him trying to buy all the trumpets.

It's a good, dark idea. But I think I'd make the fact that he killed them come after other comedy attempts to rid the world of trumpets.

Also Alf's are a bit long, and the punch line isn't a very good one.

Lots of potential though.

I think a slower route to revealing his crime would work better.

I did like the reiteration of the trumpet. Work very well. Ending is weak though; it lacks the big finish.

Dan

Thanks Dan - I realised the ending wasn't the best, and probably didn't make the most of his trumpet collecting attempts either, but it's a work in progress... I have a selection of similar 'mass death event' type sketches, will post in due course.

You'll all be thrilled to hear Cliff Richard features in one of them, whilst deliberately seeking another impromptu sing along opportunity at Wimbledon when bad weather has been forecast