Famous - Alan Titchmarsh
(Policeman addressing assembled press)
Policeman: I can confirm that we have arrested tv horticulturalist Alan Titchmarsh after police were called to his family home last night after reports of a disturbance. Our enquiries are ongoing, but what has been established is that Mr Titchmarsh returned home in the early hours of morning, Tuesday 5th February, having spent the previous evening with his friend and tv sidekick Tommy Walsh drinking strong homebrew in the shed next to his allotment. Piecing together evidence and accounts from neighbours who overheard Mr Titchmarsh, and from the vague recollections of Mr Titchmarsh himself under questioning, we are able to confirm that Mr Titchmarsh returned home armed with a pair of sacateurs and began to systematically mutilate his wife under the misguided delusion that she was a rose. Mr Titchmarsh has subsequently been sectioned under the mental health act.
(Interview with neighbour outside Titchmarshs house, cordoned off by crime scene tape)
Neighbour: I could only hear bits of what Titchmarsh was saying to her, and at the time none of it made sense.... he said something along the lines of "If you were a real rose, the preening would make you stronger and more beautiful than before..." I assumed he was making a new type of indoor tv gardening programme for angry couples or summing like that at first... then I heard the screaming... it didn't last more than a few seconds... I suppose she must've fainted... I knocked on the door but he didn't answer and it was a couple minutes before I heard him again, something like "Why the F couldn't she find the same strength in adversity as a rose after being lopped..." and then something like "The only one who is gonna F-ing get stronger now is me you silly cow, lugging you in and out of the bleedin' bath like a friggin' sealion!" That's when I called the police.
Policeman: Mr Tommy Marsh has informed police that a drunken conversation took place after several pints of his premium strength homebrew in his shed... apparently, they were jokingly discussing the idea of applying gardening principles and techniques to humans. He stated that Mr Titchmarsh had, in jest, made a number of suggestions, like planting his wife in soil up to her knees in the back garden and covering her in compost and manure in the hope that she would bloom, covering one of his kids who has a growth defect in manure or standing him in a grow bag in his greenhouse, and a number of other similar ideas, but that at the time he was laughing and joking. Mr Titchmarsh will appear in court next month.