Tickets to ride.

OLD WOMEN BUYING RAIL TICKET

I'd like a ticket to Filley to see me sister.

RAIL WAY SELLER

Certainly mam, we in Railtrack have got 3 simple new tickets.

OLD WOMAN

Lovely, what are they?

RAIL WAY

Well for a £1,000 you can have a Cameron, first class ticket and a free handjob on certain routes.

OLD WOMAN

Ooh pricey.

RAILWAY

Well for £500 you can have Brown. You stand all the way, get treated like shit, and ends up costing you £1,500 once you get your tax credit form rejected.

OLD WOMAN

That's even worse, you rob dog, I've only got a fiver.

RAILWAY

Oh that'll get you a Clegg.

OLD WOMAN

A Clegg?

RAILWAY

You pay your fiver, and you don't go anywhere for the next few years.

OLD WOMAN

That's it you rob dog, I'm going to go by National Express.

RAILWAY

Aah the Boris Johnson, it's completely off the rails.

Nice. The only thing I'd maybe suggest is that the first ticket offer, maybe just cut it at 'first class'. and later when she is getting pissed off maybe say 'may I remind you that our Cameron offer includes complimentry handjobs on certain routes?'

The only reason I'm saying this is because I thought the word 'hanjob' jumped out too soon.

I like the line

'RAILWAY

You pay your fiver, and you don't go anywhere for the next few years.'

Fair does may change that.

sorry, i know how it looks when someone goes 'write this instead!!' , i do it all the time. i dont really mean 'write this' i just write that to make my point a bit clearer. then again it is just one persons point so dont go firing in changes unless it suits you personally.

Critique is useful, as it's where one picks up things to change before the script reader does.

And that pacing advice is useful.