Fire Water Burn

FIRE WATER BURN
Written by Kim Griffin
Humourfirst@hotmail.co.uk

CHARACTERS:

FIREMAN- A very charming and cheery fireman who works to an unusual set of rules.
MUM- A weeping mother desperate to save her family from the burning home.
3 YOUNG CHILDREN(gender not specific, 1 is called STEF)
FIREMAN TEDDY- helps the main fireman with carrying the children.

((Mother and children are huddling in a room from the house fire that is breaking through their door.))

STEF:

Mum the flames are coming through the door!

MUM:

Don’t worry Stef, the firemen are coming for us, just sit by me and keep low.

((DOOR IS BURSTS OPEN , ENTER THE HEROIC FIREMAN))

FIREMAN:

Good evening fire-unfortunates!

MUM (walking towards him):

Oh thank god you’re here please tak-

FIREMAN (puts his hand on her breast as if you to both stop her and have a sneaky feel) :

-Not so fast weeping-wench, I have to make sure this is done right. Pass your children to me- smallest first.

(she passes one child, he examines it.)

Yes, good, okay

(he passes it to Fireman Teddy, Mum passes the 2nd child.)

and the next one, lovely cheekbones we’ll take her,

(Hands the 2nd child to Teddy, mum passes the 3rd child.)

hold it there.

MUM:

What’s wrong?

FIREMAN:

I’m afraid this one doesn’t quite look good enough to save. We’ll have to leave her here, bad luck sweetheart.

MUM:

Leave her here! The roof is on fire!

FIREMAN:

We don’t need no water let the mother-f**ker burn, haha! Yes, very good. Sorry though can’t change my mind.

MUM:
(moving towards him again)
But you can’t just-

FIREMAN:

Steady on there my queer-dear, I’m afraid a different policy is applied to those past their sell by date, I’ll have to leave you here too.

FIREMAN TEDDY:

Ready to go boss?

FIREMAN:

Ready as teddy, Teddy. Pleasure meeting you,
(to rejected child)
you should be in bed young lady, its past midnight. Anyway I’ll see myself out, cheerio!

(HE CLOSES THE DOOR POLITELY BEHIND HIM.)

END.

A kind of comic Sophie's Choice except Sophie gets to burn too? I wanted to like it but it was a bit too dark for my particular taste

Don't worry, I'm too dark for my own taste too!

I wrote this just there and I can see it needs work so come on you gorgeous people, tell me where it's gone wrong!

Quote: Kim Griffin @ May 17 2008, 11:46 PM BST

Don't worry, I'm too dark for my own taste too!

I wrote this just there and I can see it needs work so come on you gorgeous people, tell me where it's gone wrong!

View original

I'm not too bothered about the fireman being eccentric - I can see why people would behave oddly after putting their own lives on the line on a daily basis.
There's got to be a less extreme way of ending it than just condemning them both? Perhaps he could say he has reached his quota for how many people he could save in a day - it's you or your daughter, heads or tails?

Ha! I actually really, really like the heads or tails idea, but I still really want him to close the door with a grin, a wink and a tip of the hat.

Quote: Kim Griffin @ May 17 2008, 11:53 PM BST

Ha! I actually really, really like the heads or tails idea, but I still really want him to close the door with a grin, a wink and a tip of the hat.

View original

Ok, he says somebody has to burn today i'm afraid and it's either you or Fireman Teddy and he puts the coin in his hand and looks at Teddy. Next scene you see is the door closing and his wink and grin and we don't get to see who won?

Yes, I love that he closes the door politely.

nah im quite content to have the door close and that be it but I like the coin idea. Im a bit dark that way, you can blame my loathing for children.

I would change from here :-

FIREMAN : Hold on

MUM : - what's wrong?

FIREMAN : Fireman Teddy, pass the clipboard (he does so) ... yup thought so, we have almost reached our quota on civilians today. I can only save one more or I will be in trouble.

MUM : You can't be serious, the roof is on fire .. you have to save us. (She rubs herself against the fireman to help persuade him)

FIREMAN : Hmmm well we have not lost a fireman today ... I know, (he takes out a coin from his pocket and turns to fireman Teddy) ... Teddy, heads or tails?

Still very dark

I like the first line, I will use that, its better than calling the kids ugly, I could see that causing some discomfort.

Still pretty fond of the ending though. Maybe its because I am picturing Matt Berry doing it.

Then again, I picture Matt Berry doing everything, even in everyday situations like buying a lottery ticket or getting petrol.

Oh I liked the calling the kids ugly part.

Some one flip a coin...

Quote: Kim Griffin @ May 18 2008, 12:14 AM BST

Some one flip a coin...

View original

LOL - your sketch Kim, you decide.

I think depending on what its for it could work both ways. The safer option which is good is alans, my idea is more risky therefore not as good for a wider range of audience.

hmmm il write it twice. Cheers for the feedback darlings.

Quote: zooo @ May 18 2008, 12:13 AM BST

Oh I liked the calling the kids ugly part.

View original

He could still call the kid ugly - perhaps when he says hold on and has told her about the quota he could say "and that one is damn ugly and i'm not sure I want to risk my job for that"