Eternal Youth

EXT: A BEACH - DAY

AN ADVERT SHOOT IS IN PROGRESS. A MODEL APPROACHES OUR POINT OF VIEW ON THE BEACH. BREAKERS CRASH IN ON THE SHORE BEHIND HER.

MODEL:
Hi all you frumps. I'm Shanice Ortega and I'm fabulous. I'm not like any of you dumpy mutants watching. Beauty's my thing. Don't you wish you were me?

SHE RUNS THROUGH THE WATER'S EDGE.

MODEL:
And what do I owe it all to? Barney A! That's what. Just two drops of this special youth cream every night keeps me looking the way I do. Though, I'm so beautiful it might just as well be dog shit quite frankly.

All you grotty growlers can spend your dough on this stuff if you like but because you're mostly all plug-ugly, it'll not make a blind bit of difference. You'll all still be mingers.

Barney A! Because you're worthless but I'm not.

CAMERA PULLS BACK TO REVEAL ALL THE TECHNICIANS ON THE SHOOT.

DIRECTOR:
Cut!

MODEL:
How was that Sergio?

DIRECTOR:
A bit too much Shanice. Be a little bit more aloof. And maybe lose those last few lines love, the ones before the strap line? Hmmm?

OK! let's do another one before we lose the light.

END:

I like the idea very much however I think the content of the lines, however good won't sound funny coming from the model.

If anything maybe one negative line but I think that what's there might be a bit much. The point I'm making is, you have the joke in the palm of your hand and it's a clear one so you don't have to do too much to the dialogue to back it up and sometimes if you put too much in it can lose it's funniness. Keep simple ideas quick and well..simple!

Then again, this is me and I'm hardly an opinion to be held high.

Thanks Kim and I think you're absolutely right. Too verbose and written after a bottle of wine! Edited version...

EXT: A BEACH - DAY

AN ADVERT SHOOT IS IN PROGRESS. A MODEL APPROACHES OUR POINT OF VIEW ON THE BEACH. BREAKERS CRASH IN ON THE SHORE BEHIND HER.

MODEL:
Hi, I'm Shanice Ortega and I'm fabulous. Beauty's my thing. Don't you wish you were me?

SHE RUNS THROUGH THE WATER'S EDGE.

MODEL:
And what do I owe it all to? Why that's easy - Barney A! Just two drops every night keeps me looking the way I do. Though, I'm so beautiful it might just as well be dog shit quite frankly. You'll all still look like dumpy mutants so...but what the they!

Barney A! Because you're worthless but I'm not.

END:

This is quite a common premise if my memory serves me well.

Also (and I do appreciate nonsensical and surreal humour)why would she be negating the product in an advert for it?

However, it is generally well written and the edit flows nicely.

Quote: garyd @ May 17 2008, 12:43 PM BST

Also (and I do appreciate nonsensical and surreal humour)why would she be negating the product in an advert for it?

View original

Hi GaryD

The idea I'm trying to get accross here is not that the model is trashing her product in this scenario.

It's more the subtext that, to me, seems to come over in the real adverts for beauty products featuring top model types that this attempts to lampoon. The models frequently appear rather aloof and impoissibly haughty. (err...I think I know what I mean but don't quote me on that )

Nah I get what you are doing and it is funny.

It's just a bit difficult because sometimes the subtext is funnier when it is kept subtext. I would maybe try writing it in a way that the model doesn't even realise she is being horrible. Words are fun to play with in that way

Or maybe have it look pretty standard until the end and have her flip outlike instead of saying ;

'this could be dogshit, id still look great'

perhaps try;

'i wear this because it gets rid of wrinkles, which is why I'm sharing my secret with you...yes thats right, YOU! You and wrinkles, look at you! YOUR DISGUSTING!Its because of you that pretty people like me have to plaster our skin in shit for adverts to store some sort of hope in your miserable fat f**king lives that you could be pretty enough to love! Well your not! You make me feel ill, go out and go for a run, thats right, off you go!' ***This is off the top of my head, and written once, sorry if it doesnt make sense***

Dont lose faith in it, its a good idea.

xx

Yeah that's not a bad idea Kim - it's sort of a half-way house between the two versions.

I think I needed to get this out of my system as every time that effing "because you're worth it" woman comes on I want to smash the TV with a hammer.

Do you think I have unresloved rage issues?

Nope I just think you have an unresolved duty and I salute you on the job.

Quote: Blenkinsop @ May 17 2008, 3:52 PM BST

Hi GaryD

The idea I'm trying to get accross here is not that the model is trashing her product in this scenario.

It's more the subtext that, to me, seems to come over in the real adverts for beauty products featuring top model types that this attempts to lampoon. The models frequently appear rather aloof and impoissibly haughty. (err...I think I know what I mean but don't quote me on that )

View original

As Kim, I do understand where you're coming from but I feel it's not subtle enough to work in a 'subtext' vein. It's very (pardon the pun) in yer face!

I totally agree with you about the adds. Just feel that it would have more effect with something like:

MODEL: Do you believe in miracles? Yes, I'm young, tall, slim, elegant and beautiful. You would be forgiven thinking I'm so wonderfully lovely due to Mother Nature but in fact it's all thanks to Barney A. You too can use Barney A in the desparate hope that your spot-ridden, ugly face, your big fat hairy arse, your short, stumpy tree-trunk legs and your shrivelled, wrinkly skin will improve. Just two tubes a day for the next five years and you might begin to see a difference. Look at me.

THE MODEL IS SHOWN AT FULL LENGTH PROFILE IN HER SWIMSUIT. MODEL SWISHES HER LONG, WELL KEPT TRESSES AND GIVES A HUGELY EXPENSIVE TOOTHY GRIN TO THE CAMERA.

MODEL: So go on, stop being such hideous creatures, forget all your other debts by buying a miracle. Barney A. Because I'm worth a lot.

Anyway, something like that. I'm at work so can't fully concentrate but hopefully you'll get my drift.

Thanks Gary.

And get on with your work or I'll spill the beans to your boss

Here where can I buy this barney A stuff? Looks bloody good.

It's a decent idea, but it feels a bit thuddingly obvious. I can see where you're going. And I feel a right hypocrite typing this, but I'd underplay the lines, for more effect.

It's a decent idea, but it feels a bit thuddingly obvious. I can see where you're going. And I feel a right hypocrite typing this, but I'd underplay the lines, for more effect.

Blenks

Prefer the edit. Make the last line 'Because you're worthless.' and stop there.

Rather than making up a product, why not have here smear her face in dog shit. Then the tag will work better IMO.

Dan

Agree with Swerytd about the ending. 'Barney A' is a real clunker. You can get the Garnier thing across better using the strapline (or a variation of it). I don't think we need to see her smear her face in dogshit though. There are websites for that sort of thing.