Please let me know what you think of this scene from 'Worth More Dead'. It's one of several scenes at Derek's own funeral, after which his ex girlfriend discovers his true identity. After this scene she goes for a fag and becomes suspicious. I hope you enjoy be please be honest!
SCENE 17. INT. DAY: INSIDE THE CHURCH
WITH THE MOURNERS ASSEMBLED, DEREK AND BARRY SHUFFLE IN AND SIT NEAR THE BACK. CROSS CUT BETWEEN KAREN LOOKING BACK AND DEREK LOOKING AT KAREN.
Barry:
Is that her?
Derek:
That’s Karen alright. I do miss her.
HE BLOWS A KISS IN HER DIRECTION BUT ONLY AFTER HIS EX, KELLY FRANCIS (WHO WAS THE WOMAN IN THE BANK AND THE DEPARTMENT STORE) TURNS AROUND AND LOOKS AT HIM. SHE RECOILS IN HORROR.
Derek:
Bugger me, that’s Kelly Francis.
Barry:
Rather do the honours with her, thanks, Derek.
Derek:
She’s scrubbed up since I went out with her.
THE VICAR, AN EMACIATED, SHAVEN HEADED MANLIZARD, RAISES HIS HANDS AND SWAYS, BEZ LIKE AS HE LOOKS AT THE CONGREGATION. HE TALKS INEXPLICABLY LIKE MICK JAGGER.
Vicar:
We are gathered here today-
KELLY LOOKS BACK AGAIN AND GIVES DEREK A STUDIED LOOK. HE CHECKS THAT HIS BEARD IS STILL IN THE RIGHT PLACE.
Vicar:
To mourn the tragic loss of Derek Harold Mandren-
Derek:
Mandrill, you idiot.
DEREK IS SHUSHED AGGRESSIVELY BY TWO ELDERLY LADIES.
Derek:
That’s Auntie Beryl and Auntie Mavis – twins. Never married.
Barry:
Lesbos?
Derek:
Never put it to the test. Both my parents would turn in their graves.
Vicar:
- his soul to almighty Jesus and friends. I’d like Derek’s close friend to read a short eulogy -
Derek:
They call him, ‘Dave the Rave’ – Reverend David Brown used to be seen in all the clubs on ecstasy in the 90s. Found God but the drugs make him get mixed up.
Vicar:
-And then we will sing a hymn which you will find on page 41 of your… Book of hymns..called a hymnus.. I believe.
DEREK’S ‘OLD FRIEND’ ERIC ‘STINK’ HUDDLESTONE GETS UP AND TAKES THE STAND. HE IS A WET-LIPPED, RED CHEEKED, PIOUS TYPE..
Derek:
Oh no, it’s Stink –
Barry:
Was he really an old friend?
Derek:
No, and he smells like old cheese.
Stink:
At school, Derek was always the one who made peace when there was conflict.
Derek:
Not quite. I chased him around the playground with dog shit on a lollipop stick after he called me Derek ‘Mongrill’.
Stink:
And as you can see from this great turnout –
Derek (to Barry):
I don’t know half of them
Barry:
So who IS here?
Derek:
Oh, neighbours, old schoolfriends, ex girlfriend, work colleagues and a few randoms, like the cleaners from work and the woman I wave to when I go for the Sunday papers. You’ll meet them if we can gatecrash the party.
THE CAMERA PANS AROUND THE MOURNERS MENTIONED ABOVE. WHEN THE CAMERA GOES ON THE WAVING WOMAN, SHE TURNS AROUND. DEREK WAVES AT HER. SHE WAVES BACK AND LOOKS BACK A COUPLE OF TIMES. DEREK STOPS HIS WAVE ABRUPTLY.
Barry:
You’re not going to –
Derek:
I need to watch what’s going on between Karen and that bloke. I’m not even in my grave and someone’s hovering like a randy kestrel.
THEY ARE SHUSHED AGAIN BY DEREK’S TWIN AUNTS.
Stink:
So I hope you join me in singing Derek’s favourite hymn, ‘How Great Thou Art’
Derek:
What? We used to sing ‘How Great My Fart’ and Stink used to join in.
Barry:
I need a fag.
Derek:
I’ll come out with you. I need some fresh air, it’s hot in this disguise.
CUT, AS THEY RETREAT FROM THE CHURCH.
Charley, glad you like the rave vicar. Later, he'll reveal his 'God is a DJ' T shirt.