Confession

Here's another sketch I've wrote. I'd like to know people's thoughts.

INT. CHURCH.

A VICAR IS TALKING TO A PARISHIONER

PARISHIONER:

Father, I need your help for I have sinned and have come to repent.

VICAR:

First you must confess your sin and then the Lord will show you the way.

PARISHIONER:

Very well Father. I grew weak and have given into temptation with a woman who wasn't my wife.

THE VICAR LOOKS SHOCKED

THE VICAR LOOKS DOWN AT HIS FEET FOR A MOMENT BEFORE LOOKING INTERESTED

VICAR:

Wha...what was it like?

PARISHIONER:

Shameful Father.

VICAR:

No I don't mean like that. Was...was it good?

PARISHIONER:

In a physical sense yes Father. But it's the damage it's done to my conscience that I can't live with.

VICAR:

Trust in the Lord my child. I feel I need to know more before I can help.

PARISHIONER:

Well she was my sister...

VICAR:

YOUR SISTER!

PARISHIONER:

No Father, my sister's friend. Her name is Amanda Jones.

VICAR:

Oh yes, lovely young girl, comes to my sermons, sits in the front row.

THE VICAR MIMES BIG BREASTS

THE PARISHIONER LOOKS UPSET

PARISHIONER:

Will you forgive me Father?

VICAR:

Say ten hail Marys and read page 247 of the Bible and all shall be forgiven my child...

(PAUSE)

Touch wood.

THE VICAR GRABS HIS CRUTCH

I like it, especially the puntastic ending! Just for the record, it's Catholic priests, not vicars who hear confessions but they do it through a screen so neither can see each other (often saying ten Hail Mary's or something will provide absolution.)

Ha quite good. Itt reminds me of Benice's character from the Leauge of Gentlemen.

Jokes about religion aren't my strength so I'll steer clear of the content here as much as poss.

Opening dialogue seems awkward (esp if you say the last half of parishioner's line out loud, most people would drop the last 'have' in speech)

PARISHIONER:
Father, I need your help for I have sinned and have come to repent.

VICAR:
First you must confess your sin and then the Lord will show you the way.

Plus, the above dialogue we all know. The setup, a confessional, allows the reader to take for granted what's occured prior to the opening. I'd rip away the fluffing and get straight to the chase (as all good cliches go) and start it at:

PARISHIONER:
Father, I've given into temptation with a woman who wasn't my wife.

This line of action: 'THE VICAR LOOKS SHOCKED' seems incongruous with his then immediate interest. Not only that, I doubt few priests are really that shocked by affairs any more. Cut all that action to

THE VICAR SUDDENLY LOOKS INTERESTED, perhaps he can put away a newspaper he was reading up to that point?

The next section is nicely worded

VICAR:
Wha...what was it like?

PARISHIONER:
Shameful Father. [But I'd drop this repetition of 'Father', it's fluff]

VICAR:
No I ...was it good? [I've shortened this line]

I think you miss a chance for a gag in the next line:

PARISHIONER:
In a physical sense yes Father. But it's the damage it's done to my conscience that I can't live with.

Perhaps:

PARISHIONER: Bloody hell, yes. Oops, sorry, can we tag swearing onto the end? But it's the guilt...

The next line is the highlight of the sketch.

PARISHIONER:
Well she was my sister...
'...' is generally taken to indicate that the speaker trailed off. What is more appropriate (and funnier here) is if the priest interrupts, which i believe is your intention. Interruption is nearly universally indicated by a single long or double dash --

VICAR:YOUR SISTER! (Surely a question mark?) YOUR SISTER?

Normally capitalising words are not used to indicate shouting as it confuses the reader with stage direction. Indicate shouting with (SHOUTS)

VICAR: (SHOUTS) Your sister?

Commonly confused word below completely changes the closing image in my mind's eye meaning of gag - crotch, I think.

THE VICAR GRABS HIS CRUTCH / CROTCH

I really liked the Sister interruption line.

Ok. I've taken out some words and fixed my grammer. I've also replaced the "Vicar" with a "Priest" I don't know much about religion but I do know confessions are usually held in a booth but I thought the "Touch wood" joke wouldn't work like that. I haven't put the swearing joke in because although it is funny I think that happens to often in these sort of sketches.

INT. CHURCH.

A PRIEST IS TALKING TO A PARISHIONER

PARISHIONER:

Father, I need your help for I have sinned and have come to repent.

vicar:

First you must confess your sin and then the Lord will show you the way.

PARISHIONER:

Very well Father. I grew weak and have given into temptation with another man.

THE PRIEST LOOKS SHOCKED

THE PRIEST LOOKS DOWN AT HIS FEET FOR A MOMENT BEFORE LOOKING INTERESTED

PRIEST:

Wha...what was it like?

PARISHIONER:

Shameful.

PRIEST:

Not like that. Wa..was it good?

PARISHIONER:

In a physical sense yes Father. But it's the damage it's done to my conscience that I can't live with.

PRIEST:

Trust in the Lord my child. I feel I need to know more before I can help.

PARISHIONER:

Well she was my sister--

PRIEST:

(SHOUTS)

Your sister!?

PARISHIONER:

No Father, my sister's friend. Her name is Amanda Jones.

PRIEST:

Oh yes, lovely young girl, comes to my sermons, sits in the front row.

THE PRIEST MIMES BIG BREASTS

THE PARISHIONER LOOKS UPSET

PARISHIONER:

Will you forgive me Father?

PRIEST:

Say ten hail Marys and read page 247 of the Bible and all shall be forgiven my child...

(PAUSE)

Touch wood.

THE PRIEST GRABS HIS CROTCH

It's very funny, well done

Hilarious. Very well done. *applause*

Ps. Where is your profile Bam I want to read all about you?

I thought it had potential, I did laugh, and would pretty much echo SlagA's comments.

Thanks for everyones opinions.

i'll be adding my profile soon Charley!