INT. DAY. OFFICE.
AN ARMY GENERAL AND PRIVATE ARE FACING EACH OTHER.
GENERAL: At ease, soldier. What regiment?
SOLDIER: Six years in the Forward Rolls, Sir.
GENERAL: Any special ops service?
SOLDIER: Advanced wheelbarrow mechanics and deballooning.
GENERAL: Deballooning you say, Hmmm.
SOLDIER: I took out an entire infantry batallion at The Battle Of Spacehopper Ridge.
GENERAL: Good. Underwater swingball skills?
SOLDIER: 12th Dan, Sir.
GENERAL: Musical background?
SOLDIER: I can play the tuba with my arse in a windtunnel.
GENERAL: Come on, I need more than that.
SOLDIER: Learned the glockenspeil whilst on a spacewalk, Sir.
GENERAL: With or without oxegen?
SOLDIER: Neither, helium.
GENERAL: Ok, ok. Any awards for gallantry?
SOLDIER: I’d give it an Oscar, a Bafta and a goblet of diced sponge.
GENERAL: Have you knowlingly or unknowingly ever fraternised with Morris Dancers?
SOLDIER: Only on a dinghy on The Sea Of Tranquility.
GENERAL: On my left there is a door, you must enter that door at once.
CUT TO ROOM THAT HAS A COUNTDOWN CLOCK AND A YARD OF UM BONGO.
TANNOY VOICE: Start drinking soldier.
SFX COUNTDOWN MUSIC. SOLDIER FINISHES DRINKING IN TIME.
TANNOY VOICE: Open the door on your right.
CUT TO OTHER ROOM THAT HAS PLASMA SCREEN ON WALL SHOWING TOPLESS DARTS.
TANNOY VOICE: Karaoke time soldier but with a difference. Now repeat after me.
I can fart at will.
SOLDIER: I can fart at will
TANNOY VOICE: So help me God.
SOLDIER: So help me God.
TANNOY VOICE: You may now proceed to fart at will.
SOLDIER: Yes Sir.
THE SOLDIER TRIES TO FART BUT CANNOT.
TRAP DOOR OPENS AND THE SOLDIER FALLS IN.
CUT TO EXT. SOLDIER IS LYING ON A PAVEMENT. A SIGN ABOVE HIM SAYS ‘CIVVIE STREET’.
CUT TO GENERAL: Next.
ENDS.
