Just a quick sketch I wrote from a idea I had. I haven't spent to long on this so it's not perfect but I'd like your opinions.
SCENE 1. INT. PUB. DAY.
A MAN IS AT THE BAR WAITING TO BE SERVED WHEN HE RECOGNIZES THE MAN NEXT TO HIM
MAN:
Oh hi Phil, I didn't see you there.
PHIL:
Hi.
MAN:
I haven't seen your Dad around for a while, how's he doing?
PHIL:
Not good. He's lost his job...and his house...
(FROWNS WHILE THINKING)
...in fact he's dead.
THE MAN LOOKS STUNNED
It seemed like it was just about to get going and then Bam! it ended. Just like that film 'The Godfather'....except four hours shorter and a lot less equine death.
I dunno, it was ok but too short for me. maybe if the man had a comeback.
MAN: (smoothes back hair)
In that case, how's your mum?!
I like that line!
Since I wrote this quickly I haven't had time to properly think about it and I would like to make it longer.
If you're using ShoePie's line (which I also like), no need to make it longer! Set-up/joke/twist/end. Hey presto.
Another take could be
MAN:
Oh hi Phil, I didn't see you there.
PHIL:
Hi.
MAN:
I haven't seen you for a while, how you doing?
PHIL:
I've got a new house, a new car
MAN:
You win the lottery?
PHIL:
No, Dad died
i also felt it was to short, but that is understandable in the way that you wrote it quikly, why don't you work in some more and produce a bigger laugh, it made me smile though so well done, it just needs a bigger build up to lure the audience into a false sense of security,
well done
NEW SIG TIME
I kind of like it, but for some reason I think instead of
"...In fact he's dead"
I think it should be
"...and he's dead"
Think that sort of adds another side to the joke in that he has left the detail which most people would start with (and probably not bother with anything eslse) til the end.
Hi Bam!
I like your sketch with ShoePie's extra line.
Either that or 'He always was absent-minded' as a follow-up to your sketch.
Didn't really get it without, but sometimes do laugh at the similarly-toned sketches in Man Stroke Woman.
Hope this helps
Dan
Another idea: you could have the man asking about various aspects of Phil's Dad's life, with Phil awkwardly reluctant to answer, e.g.
MAN:
Oh hi Phil, I didn't see you there.
PHIL:
Hi.
MAN:
I haven't seen your Dad around for a while, still working at the factory?
PHIL: (awkward)
No, that's all finished.
MAN:
Shame. Got another job?
PHIL:
Er, no.
etc.
End with Phil saying he's dead, and then Shoe Pie's pay-off. Just an idea to build it up a bit, with "Man" being pretty annoying and nosey, and "Phil" pretty polite until he gives in and tells the sad news.
Thanks a lot for all the advice. I've only just started writing these sort of sketches, I normally do more character based stuff.
I'll post a revised version soon.
Here's the new version.
INT. PUB. DAY.
A MAN IS AT THE BAR WAITING TO BE SERVED WHEN HE RECOGNIZES THE MAN NEXT TO HIM
MAN:
Oh hi Phil, I didn't see you there.
PHIL:
Hi.
MAN:
I haven't seen your Dad around for a while, he still working at the factory?
PHIL:
No he's lost his job.
MAN:
Shame. Still, at least he can spend more time in that big house of his.
PHIL:
No, that's been taken away from him as well.
MAN:
(SHAKES HIS HEAD)
What a world we live in. Why would they do this to him?
PHIL:
Because he's dead.
THE MAN LOOKS STUNNED
MAN:
(SMOOTHS BACK HAIR)
In that case, how's your mum?
Hi Bam, flattered you are taking the advice. My only problem with it now is that Phil's lines aren't believable. If his Dad's dead he wouldn't use phrases like "he's lost his job". His lines have to make internal sense, if you get me?
Good luck though, I like it.
How's this instead?
MAN:
I haven't seen your Dad around for a while, he still working at the factory?
PHIL:
Not anymore no, they had to let him go.
MAN:
Shame. Still, at least he can spend more time in that big house of his.
PHIL:
No, he was forced to leave.
Sorry to labour the point Bam, but I still don't think these are things the son of a dead man would say. For me, the less he says the better.
But this is your sketch and I am no expert. I like it anyway.