Let The Train Take The Strain

Hi, please peruse this nonsense and feed back if you please.

LET THE TRAIN TAKE THE STRAIN

INT. DAY. ON BOARD A ‘BOSSRAIL’ TRAIN. THE SLOGAN: 'BOSSRAIL – CHUFFING BRILLIANT’ ADORNS THE WALLS. A STEWARDESS IN A ‘BOSSRAIL’ SASH WALKS UP AND DOWN THE AISLE.

Stewardess (to man 1):
Would you like a wank?
Man 1 :
I’m sorry?
Stewardess:
It’s to celebrate Channel 4’s ‘Wank Week’

Man 1:
No thank you, not just yet – just had me breakfast.

SHE MOVES ON AND PASSES AN ELDERLY WOMAN WHO LOOKS ON EXPECTANTLY.

Stewardess:
It’s ok, madam, Kevin’s coming along in a moment to rub you off.

KEVIN, A BEFUDDLED LOOKING YOUNG STEWARD, APPEARS BEHIND THE STEWARDESS.

Stewardess:
Ah, there you are –this lady would like rubbing off.

AS THE CAMERA PULLS BACK FROM THE STEWARDESS AS SHE WALKS ON, KEVIN BEARS DOWN ON THE WOMAN AND CAN BE SEEN CARRYING OUT HIS ORDERS, GRIMACING BUT VIGOROUS.

Srewardess (to Man 2:
Would you like a wank?

Man2:
Yes I would.

Stewardess:
Can I see your ticket sir?

Man 2:
Certainly
HE PROFFERS HIS TICKET THEN PULLS HIS TROUSERS DOWN TO HIS ANKLES TO REVEAL HIS THONG.

Stewardess:
This ticket doesn’t entitle you to a wank, sir.

Man 2:
Oh, i clicked on ‘wank package’ on the website and -

Stewardess:
I’m sorry sir. This doesn’t entitle you to a wank.

Man 2:
How much would I have to pay to upgrade to the wank package?

Stewardess:
£230 pounds sir.

Man:
What? That’s scandalous!

Stewardess:
It’s clearly stated on your ticket, sir.

Man 2:
Right, I’ll wank my bloody self then!

Stewardess:
That option is avaliable to you, sir.

SHE WALKS OFF, ASKING MORE PASSENGERS IF THEY WOULD LIKE A WANK. MAN2 : CAN BE SEEN FROM THE WAIST UP, VIGOROUSLY MASTURBATING AS THE TICKET INSPECTOR APPEARS. LOW ANGLE SHOT OF TICKET INSPECTOR.

Ticket inspector:
Tickets please.

MAN 2 GIVES THE MAN HIS TICKET.

Man 2:
Sorry, can I make sure that the wank package is not avaliable with this ticket.

Ticket inspector:
That’s right, sir.

Man 2:
Right oh.

HE CARRIES ON MASTURBATING.

CUT

Uhhh...uhhh...how can I say this. How do I say this, R2? It's a bit graphic I'm a bit odd when it comes to stuff like this mate. I'm sue the younger more trendy audience find masturbation funny I don't. Sorry mate

Fred, please don't take this the wrong way but what am I supposed to laugh at? The word or the action? Surely not the old woman. I agree with you not bothering to look for a tag - a producer wouldn't read past the first line. Harsh but fair.

Some people like their comedy rude and crude and some don’t, well I do and I think this could work well, very reminiscent of big trains wanking in the office sketch which many consider a classic.

I fear that this one 'didn't do it' for me. I was unsure what the idea was about and felt that there were no real laughs in it.

Barry mentions the Big Train sketch and although I liked a lot of Big Train that particular sketch had a similar effect on me as yours has.

Just a vague feeling of discomfort and perhaps the idea of deliberate rudeness / shock value.

Sorry but not my cup of darjeeling.

I get what you were doing... the railway system is wank.

Deary me. Well, I must say some of this may be constructive criticism but some is not. Don't we need to be careful that we're not dismissing work because of its profanity/vulgarity per se? Surely it's not helpful to simply impose your standards of taste and decency on your reading of a sketch which used the word 'wank'?

Personally I'm happy to laugh at anything if it's funny. I was in stiches when Andy Millman caught his agent having a wank. The funniest thing about this sketch though, in my opinion, was the slogan 'BOSSRAIL: CHUFFING BRILLIANT'. Laughed out loud and had high expectations. Maybe it would be funnier if your mans ticket did entitle him to said extra, and the octogenarian male ticket collector asked him if he'd like him to finish off?

Thanks, Steve. Oh, and Channel 4 REALLY did have a 'Wank Week'recently. I didn't take part so I don't know much about it.

Fred, I was trying to be constructive when I asked where I was meant to laugh in your sketch. The idea, to my mind, is to lead the listener/viewer in one direction then surprise them by going elsewhere. Saying 'wank' or using any expletive may get a laugh but you need more to keep an audience. At least a sober audience.
I do impose my standards of taste on anything I read, it's what decides me to read further or not and, in a commercial situation, whether the writer is worth the rate for the job or not.

I don't think you pulled it off but you're not far. I like the idea of people doing extraordinary things without anyone thinking its extraordinary. There is only one joke really. Why don't you have the stewardess list different packgages e.g. sloppy seconds, economy (wanked by a tramp). Add more jokes and I think it will improve the sketch. Flesh it out a bit and add more meat.

PS. Sorry for the puns, once I start I can't stop

Hi Fred

My view of your sketch is not coloured by the use of the word wank. I just thought that once that was used, the sketch should have developed onto something else. It got stuck in a masturbatory bent (ooh err missus)

And while we only can comment on how we as readers find the piece, I for one, do not think my opinion is any more valid than anyone else's.

But submitting something for a Critique is just that. I have had some right maulings and some very positive praise and I think that one must take on board what a reviewer says and decide oneself whether or not we accept or reject that advice.

Chances are that if all or many say something then it may be so, if it's a comment in isolation then it may be worth noting it and ignoring it. But the forum is called Critique, not back slapping.

I have learned that it is necessary to develop a thick skin in this business and comedy is a particularly tough gig. It's like anything, music and art etc. One man's meat is another man's poison.

It is never possible to please all of the people all of the time. Most would settle for a 30% hit rate and be delighted with 50%.

Oh and I too LOL at the slogan and was disappointed that the sketch veered away from that style. But that’s just me. Others will probably love it.

Charlie, Blenkinsop etc, I do respect your opinions and agree with part of your comments! Of course I wouldn't post such a daft sketch on a critique forum if I was too bothered about criticism. I just want to be sure that people aren't letting comments be dictated by prejudice or taste.
Oh, and I really appreciate your taking the time to read and feed back.

Hi Fred

I can see the style as Big Train, Green Wing-ish in my head. Not sure if it's entirely my cup of tea but I did laugh at the first line because it was unexpected rather than rude.

I like ajp's idea about the bog-standard class wank -- maybe some cheap, old stewardess comes out to provide relief wearing gaudy yellow rubber gloves and some industrial strength lubricant.

I think the sketch needs more happening (as there are 101 different associations with wanking/railway jokes you could use: blow-up dolls, first/business/economy class) with quite a few more throwaway gags in the background but the grounding is there and I think it's a good idea.

Maybe better to do as a spoof advert for Mutual Masturbation Railways.
Passenger: 'Is this a mutual masturbation ticket?'
Stewardess: 'No, I'm afraid it's one-way sir. Funnily enough, a 'return' would have been cheaper!'
(kind of thing.)

Hope this is helpful

Dan

That's a beauty, Dan! You know what, I'm going to use something like that in the redraft!