Top Yourself

INT. BEDROOM - DAY

Tracy, a schoolgirl sits at her computer desk, surfing the internet. The door opens and her dad comes in. She quickly shuts down the browser.

DAD
What was that? You were looking at one of those suicide websites.

TRACY
I was curious.

DAD
What do you want to be curious about that for?

TRACY
A lot of kids are doing it, these days. It’s very popular. Mandy at school says she thinks it’s cool.

DAD
She would. Take my advice, you kids don’t know what you’re talking about. You don’t want to be killing yourself at your age. Wait until you’re 45, divorced with six kids, a mortgage, no job, failing health, no money and a drugs & alcohol addiction, that’s when you want to kill yourself.

TRACY
Mandy at school says she wants to get into self-harming.

DAD
I’d like to self-harm her.

TRACY
Great! I’ll text her! Anyway, what did you come in for?

DAD
I’ve signed that form so you can go on the school field trip to Bridgend.

TRACY
Cool! Last year, when we went to Croydon, I got a B for my essay. Most people did really well and got Bs. But this year, we’re aiming to do even better.

DAD
So you’re hoping to top yourselves this year?

TRACY
Absolutely. Have you just got in?

DAD
Yes, I had to take Chummy down to the vet and get him put to sleep.

TRACY
(cries)
NOOOOOOO!

It's 3 decent skits, at war with each other, and as such doesn't really work.

But you've got 3 good skits.

Dad saying wait till your my age to kill yourself
Competative slef harming, with "top pun"
And dark conversation followed by dead dog pun.

So good stuff, but you need to separate it out.

I think sooty's got it spot on. There's a definite break in there when Dad tells her to wait until she's 45. Then a quick 'self-harming' one. Then the 'Bridgend' one.

Good stuff individually (as a recurring sketch), but loses something all put together.

Dan

I haven't written a lot of stuff, so I guess at a certain point you get an 'eye' for what to concentrate on and how to separate things, and leave stuff out, and I haven't got there yet. I always find I want to put more in, rather than leave it out!

Yeah, about that -- producers aren't keen! You need to make it as short and sharp as possible and use as few words as possible. Don't worry though, it'll come with practice.

Dan

OK, thanks folks, I will bear this in mind.

I'd bear in mind if you are dealing with sensitive issues like the fact that children do actually kill themselves, and are doing so in large numbers in a particular area - none of which is funny - that you have some point to make, otherwise you are getting cheap laughs out of other people's absolute misery and that is not a good thing to do. Comedy can address these issues but you have to be sensitive about it - have a socio political comment to make. What is it about our culture that causes these events - that should be your target not the children themselves per se.

Hmm Marc is also right. A joke on Bridgeend isn't completely out, but using it as a quick flippant gag, would only work with a very limited number of stage shows.

Yes, I take your point, Marc P, that's quite right. I did consider some of this before going ahead. Possibly the reference to a certain town should have been left out, for a start. I wouldn't want to trade on misery, as it were, as I've seen a couple of things on here about the McCanns which I felt were beyond the pale.

I'm not sure if anyone really knows what's been causing these things, it's a bizarre situation.

Well don't back off from it Bad Dog. Comedy gold is mined from the rich seams of truth. You just have to be a bit careful. People make all kinds of sick jokes in pubs and playgrounds after awful events - it's kind of gallows humour, human nature - but if you are looking to sell stuff professionally it's a whole new ball game - but a much better ball game. Comedy should be about lifting the human spirit after all!

This is good advice, I'm learning a lot here. I'm sure others are too.