SKETCH COMP 6-12.5.8

Congrats to newcummer OTTERFOX for winning! That's 10 shiny points and an excuse to get rat-anussed all day. (PM me for next week's subject please. Otherwise I keep having to randomly search for topics). Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
5 - 10 - Otterfox
2 - 5 - Waring, moi
1 - 1 - Fred Peters

The new subject is THE CINEMA, chosen by me.

Rules:
One entry per person.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything along those lines.
Please try and only post your entry and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 12 May.

Enjoy!

Overall Leader Board is now:

Points - Name

82 - Frankie
82 - Charley Rance
66 - Jude
62 - Fred Peters
60 - Baumski
48 - Michael Monkhouse
31 - Nigel Kelly
31 - Paul Watson
26 - David Chapman
20 - Dannyjb1
20 - Niteowl
20 - Lazzard
17 - Ellie
15 - Leevil
15 - Cinnamon
15 - Dale
11 - Steven
11 - Swerytd
10 - Otterfox (new entry!)
10 - Waring
09 - ajp29
09 - ShoePie
08 - Stylo
07 - Winterlight
06 - Hellboy
05 - Tumble
05 - Bushbaby
05 - Greggles
05 - Happy Shopper
05 - Timothy Marshal-Nichols
05 - Rob B
05 - John Kelly
04 - Andy W
04 - losaavedra
02 - Imamazed
02 - Slack Bladder
02 - Paul Nash
02 - Boits
02 - Gavin
01 - David Bussell
01 - Wayne Lewis
01 - Charisma
01 - Skibbington von Skubber
01 - Ginger Jesus
01 - Nick Rivers
01 - Daddy Maz
01 - Martin Bickle
01 - Batman
01 - Ray Dawson
01 - Marion
01 - Tooting Jo

Spot any mistakes? There may well be, I can't believe I got two votes, so PM me. Thanks

Ah well, it's failed in other places -- it may as well fail here too...

Radio sketch, btw.

Dan

====================
ORANGE WEDNESDAY
====================
F/X:WINDY. DOORS OPEN AND SHUT GOING INDOORS. FOOTSTEPS ON CARPET

ATTENDANT:
(UNINTERESTED MONOTONE) Hello-welcome-to-Udeum-Cinemas-can-I-help-you.

STEVE:
Yes, thanks. Two for ‘Pirates of the Caribbean 4: Walking The Plank’ please.

ATTENDANT:
(ROBOTIC) £15.50.

MANDY:
Quiet tonight, isn’t it?

ATTENDANT:
It’s Thursday. (PAUSE) No-one ever comes in on Thursday.

STEVE:
And why’s that then?

ATTENDANT:
Most expensive day.

MANDY:
How come?

ATTENDANT:
Offers. Yesterday was Orange Wednesday.

STEVE:
(PAUSE) And?

ATTENDANT:
Two for one.

MANDY:
But they must come in on other days too? What about Monday?

ATTENDANT:
Blue Monday.

STEVE:
What’s ‘Blue’ Monday?

ATTENDANT:
5 for 3. Sad films only.

MANDY:
Tuesday?

ATTENDANT:
Ruby Tuesday.

STEVE:
Which is?

ATTENDANT:
Bring your wife for nothing and your girlfriend gets in half price.

MANDY:
It seems we’re wasting our money coming tonight then.

ATTENDANT:
Yeah.

STEVE:
When’s the next offer then?

ATTENDANT:
Tomorrow.

MANDY:
And what is it?

ATTENDANT:
Freaky Friday. All horror movies are buy one, get one free in a cursed vase from an Egyptian tomb.

STEVE:
(TO MANDY – UNSURE) What do you think?

MANDY:
(PAUSE – TO ATTENDANT) £15.50 you say?

END

INT. NIGHT. CINEMA.

TWO CINEMA USHERS ARE STRUGGLING TO SEAT NUMEROUS BLIND PEOPLE.

USHER 1: What the hell is going on?

USHER 2: There's a special screening on tonight.

USHER 1: For God's sake, everyone's blind. What special screening?

CAMERA REVEALS GUIDE DOGS LEASHED TO THE FRONT ROW OF THE CINEMA.

USHER 2: Lassie.

ENDS.

Interior - cinema ticket desk.

MAN: Two tickets for Iron Man please.

CASHIER: That will be £15.

Money and tickets exchange hands.

CASHIER: That's screen 1 for the film, screen 2 for the film with director's commentary and screen 3 for the extras menu.

Take my wife to an erotic cinema. Two minutes later she says, "The guy next to me's masturbating." I say "How do you know?" She says "He's using my hand."

INT. CINEMA – NIGHT

A MAN is sitting on his own in a cinema trying to watch the film; however he is fuming because of the TWO OLD WOMEN sitting behind him talking.

FIRST WOMAN:
All day I sat in waiting for that plumber and did he turn up? No he did not! He finally rang me at four o’clock to apologise!

SECOND WOMAN:
Four o’clock? Days all gone by four o’clock. What time was he meant to arrive?

FIRST WOMAN:
Well he originally said ten so I got up at six and was ready for him by seven just in case he should arrive early-

SECOND WOMAN:
Chance would be a fine thing.

FIRST WOMAN:
Well I know but you can never be sure with these people can you? I never had to worry about such things when my Harry was still around, oh he wouldn’t have kept me hanging around he’d have had it fixed before I even knew it was broken, and if he’d got his hands on that plumber he’d have said some things to him. But people nowadays think they can just do what they want, say what they want. There’s no sense of justice in the world any more, no community spirit. Sort that out and you’d sort out many of-

As the women have been talking the man has been growing more and more agitated and more and more determined that he’ll do something about it. When he can’t hold it in any longer he stands up and turns round.

MAN:
Shut up! Shut up, shut up, shut up! I have had enough! Fourteen months I have been waiting to see this film! Fourteen months of reading up on the cast members and the production process, watching teasers online and studying photos from the set! Fourteen months of anticipation and excitement at finally seeing my favourite characters and friends come to life! Only for it to be completely ruined by you two idiots who have for some reason chosen to pay seven quid to come in here only to talk all the way through it! Now enough’s enough! Don’t make me go and find the manager!

The two women are stunned into silence.

Seeing that he’s got his point across the man turns back around and quietly sits back down. He’s clearly shaken by the confrontation but as he sits watching the film in the now quiet cinema a triumphant smile slowly spreads across his face as he savours his victory. Then:

FIRST WOMAN:
Well... I have never been spoken to like that before!

SECOND WOMAN:
Oh never in all my years. If your Harry was here now!

FIRST WOMAN:
If my Harry was here now! Oh he was a wonderful man…

Comp's closed, let's have yer votes till Thursday midnight!

NO IT ISN'T! IT'S STILL THE 12TH!

INT DAY THE FOYER OF A MULTIPLEX CINEMA

TW0 12 YEAR OLD BOYS APPROACH THE TICKET OFFICE.

Boy 1:
‘Ere! two tickets for FRESHER THRESHER please

Ticket seller:
You 15?

The boys in unison:
Yeah – date of birth 22/ 3/ 93.

Ticket seller:
No way, lads – there’s strong nudity and mild gore in that one.

Boy 2:
Cool!

Ticket seller:
So you can’t see it. How about HOBGOBLIN 3? There’s only mild peril and moderate language in that?

Boy 1:
No nudity then?

Ticket seller:
Yes, but brief and not in a sexual context. Oh, and brief fantasy martial arts.

Boy 2:
Bummer.

Ticket seller:
Not in a 12A unless it’s only implied. Oh, I see..

Boy 1:
You’re sick.

Ticket seller:
Anyway, that leaves only MUCKRAKER 2 –

Boy 2:
Yeah!

Ticket seller:
No chance – it’s an 18 – sustained bloody violence and explicit drug references.

boy 1:
So what can we see?

Ticket seller:
Well, a few girl’s films

Boy 2:
Euw!

Ticket seller:
Or, Leni Rifenstahl’s ‘TRIUMPH OF THE WILL’.

Boy 1:
Doesn’t that glorify Hitler and the Third Reich?

Ticket seller:
Yes but it has educational value - £6 please.

FADE.

THE BOYS EMERGE FROM THE CINEMA GOOSE STEPPING AND CHANTING ‘SIEG HEIL! SIEG HEIL! HEIL HITLER!’

CUT TO THE STREET. THE BOYS RUN OUT OF THE CINEMA AND SHOVE AN ORTHODOX JEW AS THEY PASS.

CUT

EXT. - CINEMA - EVENING

Geeky MAN, holding a newspaper in an obvious manner, is anxiously looking at his watch. He's approached somewhat nervously by a shy-looking WOMAN.

MAN
Looking for fun?

WOMAN
(nods and smiles)
Darth Vaguer?

MAN smiles.

MAN
First dates are always is a bit awkward. Shall we go in?

INT. - CINEMA - EVENING

The film is in full flow. On MAN and WOMAN as they peer intently at the screen. Nothing can disturb their concentration.

EXT. - CINEMA - EVENING

A crowd of people leave the cinema, among them MAN and WOMAN. They emerge to the street.

MAN
Bye then.

WOMAN
Bye.

They leave in opposite directions.

END.

HAM-MAN.
>
>
> PRESENTER: With me I have Vincent Bell and he’s the star of the new summer blockbuster 'Ham-Man'.
>
> He saves people from protein deficiency by supplying them with ham.
>
> By day he’s mild mannered...fella but by night he turns into something else entirely. Tell us Vincent your unique way of getting into character.
>
>
> VINCENT: Well this is how I do it. I will often sit in a quiet corner at home not unlike this one. I’ll get the studio audience to be silent. I close my eyes and affirm what I want to happen, so I would say:
>
> ”I play a man in this movie, I will be a believable man. I will provide ham to all with protein deficiencies or at least provide the pig from which they can wean the ham to get their required protein.
>
> Innocent people stricken with vegetarianism will not go unheard. I vow to secretly sneak some ham into their diet. I am purveyor of protein, master of meat, handler of ham, prince of pigs. Where farmers fail, where butchers buckle only one man can come to the rescue and that man is I, Ham-Man”!!
>
>
> PRESENTER: That’s quite a rant, how do you remember all that?
>
>
> VINCENT: Well you see that is why I close my eyes. All the words are written inside my eyelids.
>
>
> PRESENTER: (A little taken aback) Hmm ok am.. So how..am is that your superpower?
>
>
> VINCENT: No. That’s my very own real power.
>
>
> PRESENTER: What superpowers does Ham-Man have?
>
>
> VINCENT: Well he has the ability to run as fast as a speeding pig, he can leap a sty in a single bound and can sense vegetarianism.
>
> It’s quite unique and gives the superhero franchise a whole new direction.
>
>
> PRESENTER: And who are you by day?

VINCENT: By day I'm John-Man, a man named John. I have the ability to make my own breakfast, read a newspaper and hop on a bus in a single bound.

PRESENTER: So John by day Ham by night. Fantastic! So just before we go, what special message do you have for all the little Ham-Man fans out there...

VINCENT: None.. no message...

END.

is it safe? am i allowed to vote?

i pains me to vote for otterfox after he just stormed in out of no where and took first prize last time but there were flashes of genius there, i do think it needs to be edited down and rewritten but it has a lot of promise, some parts i didn't like at all - so confused are my feelings on this piece.

Waring, could you please confirm your nomination.

... Otterfox!

I quite liked Michael's joke but it's Freddy-cum-lately Peters who gets my nomination.

[quote name="Fred Peters" post="154579" date="May 12 2008, 8:50 PM BST"]NO IT ISN'T! IT'S STILL THE 12TH!

Apologies, I got the day up-mixed.

That's ok, Mr Monkhouse!

Yep Fred Peters again for moi too.