Last tilt at Tilt2

SOUND OF SHIPS AT SEA

PRESENTER
And here I find my self on the deck of HMS Rampant, Captain why as part of the Royal Navys manouvers is this ship stationary in the middle of the North Sea?

CAPTAIN
That's classified.

PRESENTER
I see and why is there a destroyer also stationary next to us, and is that a Trident submarine infront of us, and at a right angle?

CAPTAIN
Well as you know Prince William has been joy flying an RAF Chinook all over Southern England, and Prince Willima has been using Army soldiers for yet another made up mission to Afghanistan.

PRESENTER
Yes and so?

CAPTAIN
Well the Queen felt it was safer, if they stuck with the Navy. They're playing Battle ships.

FX SOUND OF MASSIVE EXPLOSION AND WATER SPLASHING

CAPTAIN
Miss, fortunately they're as rubbish as that, as they are at everything else.

My personal fave this time. I remember playing 'battleships' long ago. The yoof of today don't know they're living.

I think the premise is solid (royals treating the armed forces as a plaything), but there is too much exposition from the Captain regarding "made up missions". That should be implied, if anything.

I think it would make a better punch if you had a seemingly real battle scene which ended with a radio conversation of Harry and William, "E...Seven!" "You sank my battleship!" or something similar?

Fair point, I probably under estimated my audience in that respect.

I think sometimes I like to hammer ideas home to enthusiastically.

sootyj,

Nice idea mate!

Spoilt for me by the Captain giving the 'game' away in line 4 when just a few seconds before he was saying "That's classified".

But super premis.

I'm sure this can be fired straight back at me however:
Some of your stuff I just don't get as being funny in any way.
Some of it I find mildly amusing and some of it imho could be excellent with a little less wordiness and better grammar.

Seriously, no offence meant.

That's fair I stick up an awful lot of stuff, some times to see if an idea works. The results often surprise myself.

Yes a line from the captain, saying oh alright I'll tell you would help.

I don't think I've ever commented on any of your sketches sootyj but I do read most of them. I don't mean to cause offence - I appreciate your sketches may be directed at a live audience where subtelety isn't at its most effective - but I honestly don't find them funny. If anything they feel a little bit preachy and I always imagine them ending with the punchline being delivered with a knowing look to the audience and a silent cry of "Take that Politics!/George Bush!/Other issue of the day! (delete as applicable)"

You also post a lot of sketches here and while I applaud your impressive output I can't help thinking that maybe you might be better taking a bit more time over each piece - maybe aiming for less obvious targets or finding fresher angles to express your views?

Not sure how constructive this reads but it is intended as such.

Bo.

Fair does, horses for courses and all that. I do usually write for NR and TS, fine shows, but not the home of subtlety.

I usually stick up first drafts, mayhap I should consider puting up the finished drafts as well.

Certainly I've had a tough time adjusting my style to Tilt for example.

I think the idea is superb but I think it needs doing better. I'd lose the Prince William bit in the middle altogether as it drags it. Along needs something before the 'at a right angle bit' -- put something like 'why is there a submarine one click to the left and two clicks forward at a right-angle' or something like that to improve the rhythm of that line.

Regardless of Tilt finishing, I'd polish this one up as one of your 'for best' sketches (maybe for Play & Record later in the year. It has that vibe to it and would work less topically.

Dan

I am a sucker for punishment, I wrote this around midnight slightly pissed, on seeing a last chance e-mail from Tilt. So I'm kinda glad it doesn't descend into "Kill Ned Flanders, Kill Ned Flanders,"

I think stylistically I do need to do more work. Writing for NR and TS have made me a bit lazy, as they do tend to keep the initial idea, a few good ideas and jettison the rest (hey it works). So I focus on the idea, the punchline, keeping it short, and having one or two decent lines.

Can I quit flagellating my self yet?

Flagel all you like; it's no skin off my nose.

Ba bum bum ... tsch.

Dan