Sketch Comp 25.4-1.5.8

Congrats to PAUL W for winning! That's 10 shiny points and an excuse to swagger around all day. (PM me for next week's subject please. Otherwise I keep having to randomly search for topics). Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
5 - 10 - Paul W
2 - 5 - Charley

The new subject is A DAY OUT, chosen by me.

Rules:
One entry per person.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything along those lines.
Please try and only post your entry and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 1 May.

Enjoy!

Overall Leader Board is now:

Points - Name

82 - Frankie
82 - Charley Rance
66 - Jude
61 - Fred Peters
60 - Baumski
43 - Michael Monkhouse
31 - Nigel Kelly
31 - Paul Watson
26 - David Chapman
20 - Dannyjb1
20 - Niteowl
20 - Lazzard
17 - Ellie
15 - Leevil
15 - Cinnamon
15 - Dale
11 - Steven
11 - Swerytd
09 - ajp29
09 - ShoePie
08 - Stylo
07 - Winterlight
06 - Hellboy
05 - Waring
05 - Tumble
05 - Bushbaby
05 - Greggles
05 - Happy Shopper
05 - Timothy Marshal-Nichols
05 - Rob B
05 - John Kelly
04 - Andy W
04 - losaavedra
02 - Imamazed
02 - Slack Bladder
02 - Paul Nash
02 - Boits
02 - Gavin
01 - David Bussell (NEW!)
01 - Wayne Lewis (NEW!)
01 - Charisma
01 - Skibbington von Skubber
01 - Ginger Jesus
01 - Nick Rivers
01 - Daddy Maz
01 - Martin Bickle
01 - Batman
01 - Ray Dawson
01 - Marion
01 - Tooting Jo

Spot any mistakes? There may well be, I can't even think of a quip this week, so PM me. Thanks

Sorry to highjack this thread but congrats Michael for winning the article of the month thingy on Chortle.

Dan

EXT - DAY - PLAYING FIELDS

A corporate team building day is well underway. There is a 'friendly' softball match being played in the park. Two men are chatting as they wait their turn to bat.

MAN 1
This is fun isn’t it?

MAN 2
Yeah, it’s nice to get a bit of fresh air instead of being stuck in the office all day.

MAN 1
Very true. Now, I know it’s only meant to be a friendly for team building purposes, but this game is a bit one-sided, don’t you think?

MAN 2
I guess so.

MAN 1
Actually, I think I’m going to go over there and have a homosexual encounter with another man (BEAT) Sorry, I mean bat for the other side.

INT. DAY. COACH.

CLOSE UP OF WOMAN STANDING UP AT THE FRONT OF THE COACH.

WOMAN: (sternly) Ok everyone, stop throwing things and listen, we're nearly there. We'll go on the rollercoaster first, then the dodgems and have lunch at McDonalds. Any questions?

VOICE: (croaky/aged) Should we bring our walking sticks and leave our false teeth behind?

ENDS.

INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY

A WOMAN ENTERS THE LIVING ROOM WITH A FEW BAGS OF SHOPPING TO FIND HER HUSBAND SITTING LOOKING SOMBRE AND THEIR EIGHT-YEAR-OLD SON SITTING NEXT TO HIM READING A COMIC.

WIFE:
Did you all enjoy the park?

SHE NOTICES THAT SOMETHING’S WRONG WHEN HER HUSBANDS SLOW TO ANSWER.

WIFE:
Where’s Dad?

HUSBAND:
While we were there you’re Father had another heart attack…

SHE DROPS HER SHOPPING BAGS ON THE FLOOR. THE MAN STANDS UP IN AN ATTEMPT TO COMFORT HER.

HUSBAND:
I’m afraid he didn’t make it.

THE WOMAN LETS OUT A CRY OF SHOCK. HER HUSBAND TRIES TO HUG HER BUT SHE MOVES AWAY JUST ENOUGH FOR HIM TO TAKE THE HINT.

SON: (IN EXCITED AWE)
It was so cool!

HUSBAND:
Not now son.

SON:
He was clutching his heart in pain and all the other kids where starting to give him weird looks-

FATHER:
Son-

BUT IN HIS ENTHUSIASM THERE’S NO STOPPING HIM.

SON:
And then he fell over but he was on the slide, not the small one the big one! And he went all the way down head first, and there were some little kids at the bottom and they went flying like bowling pins! And he smashed his head off the fence post and everybody heard it!

THE WIFE IS LOOKING UNDERSTANDABLY DISTRAUGHT BUT THE SON DOESN’T NOTICE AS HE EXCITEDLY TELLS HIS STORY.

SON:
But that’s not even what killed him! Because he was stumbling around looking all confused and he fell in the duck pond and he was face down and everyone thought he had drowned but then he turned over and he took in a BIG gasp of air! Then he got out of the pond but he got too close to a swan and it was fierce! It snapped his arm like that! (HE MAKES A MOTION OF SNAPPING HIS ARM BACKWARDS ABOVE THE ELBOW – HIS MOTHER FLINCHES) So he runs round screaming and some people tried to help him but he fell into the road and there was a massive silver car hurtling towards him and everyone was silent but he screeched his tires and stopped with the wheels just touching him and everyone was relieved! But then there was a piano strapped to the roof and it fell off and squished him just like Road Runner!

THE MOTHER IS DEVASTATED.

FATHER: (AFTER A SHORT PAUSE)
Actually... it was quite cool!

Quote: swerytd @ April 25 2008, 2:36 PM BST

Sorry to highjack this thread but congrats Michael for winning the article of the month thingy on Chortle.

Dan

View original

Thank you Sir! I think I look pretty sexy up there too.

THE BIG MATCH.

ANDY: Hey Jim are you ready for the big match? We've got great tickets.

JIM: Yeah I know. I can't wait.

ANDY: Is Tom on the way?

JIM: Yeah he said he'd meet up with us in 20 minutes. He just said he had to run home and farrow.

ANDY: Sorry he has to what?

JIM: He said he has to farrow and he'd join up with us then.

ANDY: He has to farrow? That means he has to give birth to piglets..

JIM: Maybe that was'nt it. No. I remember now he said he has to do the fandango.

ANDY: (disbelievingly) He has to do a Spanish dance?

JIM: Y-No. Sorry he said he'd be here he just has to be ficiform before he can join us.

ANDY: (Slightly irritated) C'mon what did he say?

JIM: He said ficiform. Definately.

ANDY: So he has to be shaped like a fig before he can join us?

JIM: (weakly) Yeah.

ANDY: Why would he do that? What did he say?

JIM: No no sorry. I remember now. He said: 'Look Jim tell Andy I'll be 20 minutes late. I just have to go home and fimicolous.'

ANDY: He told you that? He has to go home and live in dung?
(Annoyed) What the hell did he tell you? We should be in the stadium now. Can you not remember a 5 minute old conversation?

JIM: Look it begins with 'f'. He said he has to go home and fffff... he has to ffff.......

ANDY: Put his feet up? Feed his duck? Fix a lightbulb? Fancy a flutter? What!?

JIM: He has to fffff oh God what was it .... ffff

ANDY: (Impatiently) C'mon!

JIM: (Under pressure) fffff, he has to fffff... shower!!

ANDY: (very angry and shouting) Sho.. Shower!? Thats the word you could'nt think of. How in the name of Christ does that begin with 'f'? How could you not think of a bloody stupid shower?
What the hell is wrong with you!!?

ANDY STORMS OFF.
JIM THINKS FOR A FEW SECONDS.

JIM: No, wait... it was ficiform.

END.

Yesterday I looked out of my window and saw 500 homosexuals pitching up tents. It really was a camp sight.

BURNT OFFERINGS

EXT. DAY. A SUBURBAN STREET. SFX: ‘OH I DO LIKE TO BE BESIDE THE SEASIDE’.
A FAMILY OF FOUR PLUS GRANNY ARE GETTING INTO A PEOPLE CARRIER, CARRYING PICNIC BASKETS, DECK CHAIRS ETC.

CUT TO THE CAR LEAVING ENTERING THE COUNTRYSIDE.

DAD STRETCHES AND SMILES CONTENTEDLY.

Boy:
Dad, did you remember to take the food?

DAD FROWNS SUDDENLY.

Dad:
Oh..noooo!

Mum:
Typical!

Girl:
Mummy, granny’s asleep.

Dad:
Oh god, she’ll start snoring in a minute..

Boy:
I don’t think so, she’s not breathing..

Mum:
Wot???

Girl:
I can’t believe we’re nearly at the seaside and we’ve got no food

Mum:
Stop! We need to see if granny’s ok.

Boy:
I think she’s dead – what are we going to do?

Mum (nearly hysterical):
Do something!

Dad:
It’s ok, I’ve got a plan..

FADE EXT DAY. A BEACH. FADE INTO DAD POKING HIS HEAD AROUND THE ENTRANCE OF THE TENT.

Dad:
Come and see!

CUT TO THE FAMILY SITTING AROUND A CHARRED CORPSE ON A SPIT.

Boy:
We’re having granny for dinner!

THE GIRL SPITS A BIT OUT

Dad:
It’s ok, it’s just a bit of her shoe!

MUM STARES AHEAD BLANKLY.

Dad:
Come on love, don’t spoil it. Have a breast!

HE BREAKS OFF SOME GRANNY MEAT AND OFFERS IT TO HER. SHE STILL STARES AHEAD BLANKLY.

SFX: PERFECT DAY BY LOU REED. THE CAMERA RISES UP ABOVE THIS IDYLLIC SCENE AS THE SUN SETS OVER THE SEA.

FADE

the ending to that's almost beautiful. glad to see there's plenty of grandparent death in this comp!

OTTERFOX gets my vote.

Just about to close the comp but you beat me to it! Let's keep voting till Monday midnight...

there's something pleasingly stupid about Monkhouse's piece. made me giggle in spite of myself.

Otterfox

Waring gets my vote.