Pharmacy Sketch

Int. Pharmacy

A male pharmacist is behind the counter. A man enters.

Pharmacist: Hello.

Man: Hi, I need some advice.

Pharmacist: What seems to be the problem?

Man: I keep murdering people.

Pharmacist: Right. Have you seen your GP about this?

Man: Yeah, but I, uh, I killed him.

Pharmacist: I see.

Man: I thought that maybe I need some vitamins?

Pharmacist: I don’t think they’d do much, to be honest.

Man: Oh right. Any other ideas?

Pharmacist: Have you tried ‘not’ killing people?

Man: I can’t do it. (SIGHS) I try and kill everyone I meet.

Pharmacist: (LAUGHS) I hope you're not going to kill me!

Man: (LAUGHS) I'll try not to! But seriously, I might.

Pharmacist: Hmm, have you tried paracetamol?

Man: Yeah, it was useful for killing the wife, but not much else.

Pharmacist: In that case, I think we're going to have to fight fire with fire.

Man: What d'you mean?

Pharmacist: The only way we're gonna stop you murdering, is if we murder you.

Man: Oh, one of those 'for the greater good' things?

Pharmacist: Exactly.

Man: How much will it be?

Pharmacist: Twenty pounds.

Man: Would it be cheaper if I did it myself?

Pharmacist: It would, but you run the risk of injury.

Man: Oh I don't want that.

Pharmacist: So which way do you wanna go? Hanging or beaten to death?

Man: I can't stand things round my neck, so, beating please.

Pharmacist: Ok, that's twenty pounds please.

The man hands over some cash.

Man: It's not going to hurt is it?

Pharmacist: You won't feel a thing.

The pharmacist produces a baseball bat covered with barbed wire and nails; he rests it on the counter. The man looks shocked.

Pharmacist: Apart from the nails.

ENDS

-------------

Alternate ending:

The pharmacist produces a baseball bat covered with barbed wire and nails; he rests it on the counter. The man looks shocked.

Man: Actually, I think I'm cured.

Pharmacist: Really?

Man: Nah.

The man grabs the baseball bat and smacks the pharmacist with it.

ENDS

Needs a punch line.

I think it already has one... worked for me anyway, although I suppose something more ingenious would double the sketch's value. It has several laughs in it anyway; I thought it was very good. I can imagine it performed and I want to see it done!

I actually thought it was funnier before when he said apart from the nails - that totally cracked me up lol - it is really good, I like it.

James,

The original ending was different. I edited it out after M Lewis' comment.

I'll put it back in along with the other ending. Then people can decide if it works or not.

Well I am in love with the first ending, I have to say. At the start you expect the pharmacist guy to be killed so you are looking for that twist - but it doesn't end that way, so its a little surprise ending which makes me laugh.

I like this one too
What if the pharmacist puts a cops hat on and says .'you're nicked.

Hi, just a little suggestion - when the guy says 'I can't stand things round my neck, so, beating please'
Perhaps you could cut out the 'so beating please' and have the pharmacist interrupting?
Like - Man: I can't stand things around my neck...
Pharmacist: Beating it is! That's £20 please,

Or something to that effect

I like the way the MAN seems to be scary and has the upperhand at first and then the PHARMACIST slowly becomes the MAN, (in that he becomes scary and has the upperhand) - if you get what I mean

Welcome back from your one day writing sabbatical, Winterlight.

I enjoyed this very much. Definitely option 1 for me.

I see the Man's homicidal tendencies portrayed in an apologetic yet "what are you going to do?" way. I could suggest some minor dialogue tweaks but that's about it. Good job.

Yeah, option 1 for me too. I like it, but it needs a bit of a polish/tightening up. Can't quite put my finger on it, but just feels like something is missing to make it really good.

Dan

I really liked the line "(laughs) I'll try not to! But seriously, I might". Can see that being performed well, very funny. I vote the first ending as well!

Quote: Rebecca Davies @ April 24 2008, 5:15 PM BST

I really liked the line "(laughs) I'll try not to! But seriously, I might".

View original

That was my favourite line in it as well.