In the park...

EXT. PARK - DAY

JULIA, WELL DRESSED BUSINESS TYPE, STROLLS THROUGH THE PARK. SHE SPOTS FIONA PUSHING A BABY BUGGY.

JULIA:Fiona? Fiona Templeton?

FIONA STOPS AND STARES FOR A MOMENT.

FIONA:Janet?

JULIA:Julia.

FIONAf course, Julia. Good grief, it must be ten years.

JULIA:Closer to twelve, just after university. How are you?

FIONA:Marvellous, absolutely marvellous; And yourself?

JULIA:Couldn’t be better, just made partner at daddies old firm. (SHE LOOKS INTO THE BABY BUGGY) And who’s dis lickle one? What a sweetie.

FIONA:This is, er… hang on… (FIONA REACHES INTO BUGGY AND PULLS DOWN THE COVERS.)This is my little girl.

JULIAhe’s beautiful. (BABY VOICE) What’s your name cutie pie?

FIONAhe can’t speak you know.

JULIAEMBARRASSED) Yes...I know… I… how old is she?

FIONA:Hang on, Svetlana, the nanny, normally makes a note about this sort of thing. (PULLS BLACKBERRY OUT OF HER BAG. SHE PRESS A FEW BUTTONS) This is Philippa and she’s nine months old. That’s right, I had to reschedule the caesarean, it clashed with the Barrymore takeover.

JULIA:Well she’s a real cutie. Any more?

FIONA:Let me check… (SHE PRESSES SOME MORE BUTTONS) Yes, another girl, Jasmine who's three and Fredrick, seven. He’s just started boarding school. (BEAT) So that’s why I haven’t seen him for a month.

Nice and pacy, and very strong characters. It's a simple idea, but it works well.

Yes KJ. I loved this. Well done Pal.

Thanks both

kjs

Hmmm.

It was OK-ish - not laugh out loud stuff but well written and nicely observed. However, I just thought that overall it sort of copped out a bit and gave up mid-sketch without a satisfactory conclusion or solid ending.

This is excellent, KJ, but you need a reason for why Fiona is so detached from her child, I think.

Thanks for commenting Blenkinsop. I think I write marmite sketches, people either like them or they don't...

Godot... In the original draft there was a longer exchange between Julia and Fiona, where they caught up with each other. Fiona came across as a self obsessed highflyer who travelled the world etc...

I thought it added nothing to the sketch so cut it out... perhaps I should put it back...

kjs

Ideas okish, no real punchline....but more important is the writing.

Just a few examples:

Lots of "extra" words that arent needed - "just after university" adds nothing for example.

Why do we care Julia is at daddies firm? Is it two self obsessed bitches or one...because if they are both like that why is bothering to ask about the baby and if she isnt a self obsessed bitch why do we care what her job is?

"Hang on"....she says this twice and "let me check" - these are telephone terms that dont fit one to one conversation, especially not in a snappy sketch. You've used them as unnecessary explanation of pending actions - once to deal with reaching into the pram and twice to cover the use of the phone. In reality no one is going to say "hangon" while they carry out a 1/2sec task of reaching into a pram.

Cheers M...

You've sort of caught me out, the original draft was a radio sketch and the audio ticks are a hangover from that...

As I said, there was a chunk in the middle where Julia appears more sympathetic and Fiona more self obsessed...

Ho Hum... we write, we learn, we move on...

kjs

I like this one. Maybe if you focused on Fiona first, she could keep answering her mobile as she walks along before Julia spots her.

I like Fiona, she's hilarious. I'd love to see her character develop. She could be just one of those unfortunate, incredibly scatty people - in the extreme.

Ah I really like this! Short, but to the point and really funny!

Seems more like a scene from a sitcom than a sketch to me, in a way. I mean, it didn't really seem to go anywhere - though I can see that this gentle finish works in a way. I guess I just didn't "connect" with it. The characters' language didn't seem natural to me. In fact, it seemed very artificial indeed. I thought the observation was also drawn out and a bit trite. It left me thinking "well, yeah, ok... so what?"
Put the character in a situation/interaction where there is real conflict or something at stake though and it would work better (for me).
As it was I found it established a character without introducing any laughs. As you say, Marmite, etc.

Cheers Floozy and James...

It's good to get different opinions, I'm very slowly beginning to see what works and what doesn't... another 3 or 4 years and I'll be able to write a decent sketch...

kjs