Interested to know what people make of this...
INT. DINING ROOM – NIGHT
THREE MEN PLAY A GAME OF POKER. JUDGING BY THE CHIPS ON THE TABLE, NOEL IS LOSING RATHER BADLY.
DANNY
Your turn, dealer.
NOEL
Just a second.
HE GATHERS THE CARDS AND PUTS THEM INTO A SHUFFLING MACHINE. IT MAKES A HELL OF A RACKET.
SAM
Do you have to use that thing?
NOEL
(SHOUTING OVER THE NOISE)
What's the problem?
THE MACHINE FINISHES ITS JOB.
NOEL
There.
HE DEALS THE CARDS. THE PLAYERS CHECK THEIR HANDS.
SAM
What the hell, I'm all in.
HE SLIDES A BIG PILE OF CHIPS INTO THE CENTRE OF THE TABLE.
DANNY
Big man!
DANNY SLIDES PUTS HIS CHIPS IN ALSO.
SAM
What's the matter, Noel?
NOEL
You know I can't match that!
DANNY
Too bad.
NOEL
Damn it!
NOEL ACCIDENTALLY DROPS THE BISCUIT HE'S EATING AND IT LANDS IN THE CARD SHUFFLER. THERE'S A GRINDING NOISE, THEN –
-- A POLISHED DIAMOND POPS OUT!
DANNY
Whoah!
SAM
Is that real?
NOEL PUTS A CONVENIENT JEWELLER'S LENS TO IT.
NOEL
Seventy-two carat!
DANNY
Christ Almighty!
SAM
Do it again!
NOEL
That was the last hobnob.
(PAUSE)
You know what?
SAM & DANNY
What?
NOEL
I think I'm all in.
HE PUSHES THE DIAMOND ACROSS THE TABLE. SAM AND DANNY LOOK TO ONE ANOTHER.
DANNY
Alright!
SAM
Let's play!
NOEL
Nice try, guys, but you're going to need a bit more in the pot to play my diamond.
SAM
Right then.
SAM DROPS HIS CAR KEYS IN THE POT.
NOEL
Alright, I'll take it, but only because I have the winning hand. You out then, Danny?
DANNY
Not a chance.
DANNY PULLS OUT HIS WALLET.
NOEL
As if you've got the money!
DANNY
I'm not betting money.
HE TAKES A PHOTO OUT AND SLAPS IT ON THE TABLE.
NOEL
A picture of Helen?
DANNY
No, the actual Helen.
SAM
You're betting your wife?
DANNY
Yes.
NOEL
I have always liked Helen.
(PAUSE)
Okay, let's see 'em.
THE PLAYERS PICK UP THEIR CARDS. SAM PLACES HIS HAND DOWN.
SAM
Three tens!
DANNY
Wow.
(SHOWING HIS CARDS)
Straight!
SAM
F**k!
NOEL
Damn it!
DANNY GOES TO SCRAPE UP HIS WINNINGS.
NOEL
Just kidding! Flush!
DANNY
You cheating piece of shit!
DANNY MARCHES OVER TO NOEL –
-- AND ACCIDENTALLY PUTS HIS HAND INTO THE CARD SHUFFLER. THERE'S A GRISLY SHREDDING AS DANNY'S HAND IS CHEWED OFF.
DANNY
Oh God! Help me!
SAM
Call an ambulance!
NOEL
Wait a second, look what came out of the machine!
A FIGURINE OF A BABY FAIRY SITS ON THE TABLE.
SAM
Wow, what can't that thing do?
DANNY CONTINUES TO SCREAM.
