“THE XX FLIES” (Radio)
DR ADAMS:
Doctor, I think I’ve done it! I’ve turned a female fly into a male fly!
DR BEECH:
Why have you done that?! You’re supposed to be working on a cure for cancer!
DR ADAMS:
I was bored. I don’t know, I just thought it would be cool.
JANE (THE FLY):
They’re arguing again.
EMMA (THE FLY):
I feel a bit peculiar.
JANE:
What have they done to you this time? They stitched an ear onto my great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandfather last Wednesday. You know, like they did with that mouse. It’s not natural. He kept flying in circles – and listening to all that buzzing through his enormous ear drove him insane.
F/X: “POP”. SCRATCHING.
EMMA:
(NOW A MANLY VOICE) Eurgh, that’s better.
JANE:
Are you scratching your balls? Oh my God, why do you even have balls?! What have they done to you?! You’re disgusting!
EMMA:
I am not. (BURPS)
JANE:
What was that?!
EMMA:
Acid reflux. Urgh, I can taste the dog turd I ate for lunch. I feel… different. Less sensitive, and more… horny! Hello there!
JANE:
Oh my God.
EMMA:
Little lady-fly! Maybe you’d like some bluebottle lovin’!
JANE:
You’re a freak of nature! Get off me! Oh God… I think it’s happening to me…
F/X: “POP”
EMMA:
I feel sick.
JANE:
(MAN’S VOICE) So do I.
FLY 2
Let’s talk about football or F1 racing or something.
JANE:
Yeah, yeah, or how great women flies are.
EMMA:
Yeah. (PAUSE) I can feel that.
JANE:
Sorry.
ENDS