1 This is based on a true story
2 It's a bit much for Tilt isn't it?
VO JOURNALIST
Tonight on Panorama "Snow Drop Babies," a new phenomenon where fundamentalist Christians adopt unused embryos from IVF treatment. Then get themselves impregnated with them. So Mrs Jones, why did you adopt a small cluster of cells?
JONES
Well we could have adopted, an actual impoverished child, or help out an infertile couple. But then we thought what would Jesus do? He'd adopt a bunch of cells, and kick Darwin up his beardy bottom.
VO
You're a creationist.
JONES
Yes the whole Bible is literal truth, especially about hating queers, and killing Muslims.
VO
The Bible predates Islam doesn't it?
JONES
What are you some sorta pinko, red, Ayrab? Hey nurse.
JEREMY BEADLE(WHISPERING)
Hi I'm Jeremy Beadle, I'm such an annoying twat Satan through me out of hell. I went back to the one place evil enough to accept me, ITV. This is "You've been profaned," What Mrs Jones, doesn't know is we've sneakily given her a chimpanzee embryo.
JEREMY BEADLE
Mrs Jones you're baby, and we've even been able to find the original parents.
FX
Sound of violent struggle, and chimpanzees going berserk.
JEREMY
Next week I'll be poking holes in condoms, I'm Jeremy Beadle. Hail Satan!