This is me trying to earn a Fatwa. So, suggestions and comments welcome, and for those of you not shy about delivering criticism, please remember I am new. And my Dad is MASSIVE.
INT. NIGHT - Heavenly Check-in desk
A recently deceased suicide bomber - OMAR - is waiting to check into Heaven. He is greeted at the airline-style check-in desk by the Heavenly assistant - TRACEY.
TRACEY
(bored and without eye-contact) Hello and welcome to Paradise, we hope you will enjoy your eternal stay with us. Can I have your name please.
OMAR
Hello! I am Omar. Conqueror of the infidels!
TRACEY
OK. Now, if you could sign here, here, and here, I'll take you through.
Omar hurriedly signs and bounces around like a child on Christmas morning waiting to open his presents.
TRACEY (CONT'D)
Great. Now, if you will head through door number 7, you will find your Heavenly reward waiting for you.
Omar dashes to the door, opens it and disappears behind it.
Fade TO:
INT. NIGHT - Heavenly Check-in desk
It is seven minutes later. Omar has returned to the check-in desk.
OMAR
Hi, err, Tracey is it?
TRACEY
Yes. How can I make your Heavenly stay more enjoyable.
OMAR
Right. Now I don't want to seem like a trouble maker. It's just that, well, it's the virgins.
TRACEY
What about the virgins. Are there some missing?
OMAR
Oh no, they're all there. I counted. Twice. It's just that they're a little... reluctant.
TRACEY
Right.
OMAR
I was hoping they'd be a little more, err, accommodating?
TRACEY
Oh I get it. You were quite happy for them to be all chaste and virtuous on earth, but as soon as they get up here you want them whoring it up all over the place, is that it?
OMAR
Well no, not exactly, but I was expecting more than a nervous handshake. And a bit of eye contact wouldn't go amiss.
TRACEY
Give them time. You have eternity remember.
OMAR
Yes, and that's my second question. I don't wish to seem fussy, but they're not exactly the most beautiful flowers in the garden, are they.
TRACEY
Of for God's sake. (Over her shoulder) sorry boss. They were virgins on earth for a reason you know.
OMAR
Right, OK. So it's strictly no returns and no swapsies?
TRACEY
No.
OMAR
And the rules on drink and drugs?
TRACEY
Oh you'll like this. It's as much you like now you're actually up here.
OMAR
Thank God. (Over Tracey's shoulder) sorry boss. So, I don't suppose you've got any board games I could borrow have you, to help break the ice and that.
TRACEY
Over there.
Tracey points to an enormous cupboard adorned with a sign reading, "Board games and puzzles for new martyrs - Years 1 to 1,000"
OMAR
Oh God.