I think James summed it up well in post 2. Too often people post suggestions for improvement that probably cause the writer to go away and tweak and twiddle with their work hoping to uncover a gem. It may be fairer to simply say the piece is a write off and they direct their enthusiasm into something new (avoiding the elements they included in the original)
I haven't as yet taken the time to read the scenes but it might be nice now if Steven has his thread back. This type of discussion belongs in a thread on critique best practice.
lol
So I take it we're undecided?
Quote: James Williams @ April 20 2008, 1:34 PM BSTI'm afraid I thought this was drivel. Now, I'm only being harsh so that others will try and pick you up again, see.
The majority of the intended laughter seems to be from taking the piss out of a blind guy, which is fairly crudely done and so doesn't conceal how tasteless it is.
Telegraphed exposition like "You know if I didn’t know you any better I could almost believe that we weren‘t really friends at all" has all the subtlety and art of a ripe stool.
And poorly done Carry-On humour like: "Well I’ve never seen it myself, but judging by that bulge in his trousers, its about twice the size of a normal…"
Tired, tired jokes like: "Wrong actually, ( BEAT ) and anyway that was last year." I also find a curious over-reliance on "beats" on the board recently, presumably intended to tell the reader that what they're about to read is supposed to be a joke. I'd use them sometimes but not often.
Truly awful. Spelling mistakes in there too (e.g. "screetching").
Anyway, maybe someone else will like it but I'd say back to the drawing-board - I'm sure you could write something of worth if you tried to avoid all the cliché and crap.
Well, James, I think . . .
No, you're not far off.
It wasn't great. It was a very standard attempt at writing a sitcom. Easy jokes and clunky dialogue.
All the best shows don't go for the obvious.
I think you made a mistake in having one character be incredibly mean to another (the two women) and it went unnoticed. That's a very basic error that you never see in sitcoms. Well, not in a good ones.
As JW says - cliched, I'm afraid.
Interesting point on 'BEAT' though. It does often point out a joke, but I don't think you ever see that kind of 'Well no (BEAT) Okay yes' style jokes in sitcoms ever do you? Again, not in good ones. So you're right in a way when you say it telegraphs bad jokes - it only does so in not very good scripts.
I'm just going to check my work to see how many 'BEATS' there are, because I'm delaying going back to work . . . No! None.
This was actually the third attempt at sitcom writing i have made. All three of which were sent to the beeb. The first two were rejected completely out of hand. However this one was given a full read, a critique, and a request to view the next effort i managed to cobble together.
However this was 6 years ago, and unfortunately i lost the desire to write for a while. So i have only really been dabbling for the last few years.
I only really posted this as i thought i would try to sharpen it, and improve it before having another go. Have comedy tastes really changed so much in 6 years? lol
Anyway, you will all be glad to know i have thrown the script in the bin, and deleted the file, so hopefully you will never be subjected to this horror ever again! lol
Pity, I quite liked it. But then I am the only person in the world that is still watching Teenage Kicks so what do I know? 
Ignore people on here steven, most of us have big mouths and small brains(and yes, that does include me.)
Comedy is hugely unpredictable. Some one for several years said
"Les Dennis he's a topic comic give him the Saturday night slot,"
Working out which critic is worth listening, or even which bits of their feedback is worth ignoring. Certainly I've had stuff slated here, but sold it else where. If you're skit had started with a clown putting the sign out, and getting run over, I'dve praised you to the stars. I've read hilarious stuff on blog spots, that'll never earn a penny. I've seen fims and dropped my head in my hands, and said some one was paid for that egad!
If you like it, if you think you can make it work go for it. My biggest hassle in writing at the moment, is what I find funny isn't commercial, and I need to retrain my writing.
I hope you haven't chucked it, you sound like you could do a lot with it.
Yeah, hey - for God's sake don't take my overly harsh comments and give up on writing. Outside of the board I am quite the gentleman, you'd invite me over for a dinner party. I don't have a small brain, honest. Just a small penis. Still think this particular piece was weak though, in a number of ways and on a number of levels.
Sooty the blind man scene was more to do with his stupidity than the fact he was blind. A fact that was picked up in the original critique but not on the forum, possibly because he was involved in a voting scene later in the script that the forum wasn't able to read.
Or maybe just because the scene was dreadful, who knows lol
Anyway the script is in the bin. If only one or two had hated it i would have argued the toss, but as i am in the minority i think its probably for the best.
James i am not giving up, i am only just starting. And dont worry about your critique. Its good to see some honesty on these forums.
There's a pretty good joke early on, when Carole says 'aren't blind people supposed to develop their other senses?' and the newsagent says: "what?' It would work well on screen. He should say 'see you tomorrow', not Carole, just because it's funnier. Some people might say that's a lame joke. I think it's just a simple joke. Sometimes they go down better than attempts to be witty that don't quite come off. It's not that bad. Don't get it out of the bin, but it's really not that bad. It made me laugh twice - not bad on here.
yeah, but it wasn't good
In it's defence though, it was a lot better than some of the rubbish I've read before. Although this piece didn't work, I'd be interested in seeing another idea by the same writer. There was something about it that made me feel Steven could, at least, actually write (not that anyone on here is doubting he is capable of that).