Hi all,
I'm 5 screen minutes away from finishing the opening episode of my comedy drama, Worth More Dead. This sets up the main scene of Derek attending his own funeral. Please have a read and tell me what you think.
SCENE 14. INT EVENING. BARRY’S DEN IN BARKLEY’S DEPARTMENT STORE
BARRY AND DEREK ARE SITTING VERY STILL, SIPPING HOT CHOCOLATE
Barry:
I can’t believe he’s dead – me old mate Ray, just when he was starting to get back on the straight and narrow
Derek:
Well that’s just it..he stole my chequebook .That’s how I’ve managed to become him
Barry:
He never – he said he was clean. You’ll never be him, you’re half the man he was. You line dance like a little girl.
Derek:
With the greatest of respect you hardly know me.Look, Are you prepared to help me..in Ray’s memory?
Barry
And what’s in it for me?
Derek:
A thousand pounds, when the money comes in.
BARRY THINKS HARD AND GOES NOSE TO NOSE WITH DEREK.
Barry:
Three thousand pounds
Derek:
Two thousand five hundred pounds
Barry:
Shall we shake.
Derek:
OK
BARRY SHAKES HIS WHOLE BODY WHILST LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY.
Barry:
You’ll have to get used to me - I’m a mad twat!
Derek:
You can stop shaking now.
Barry
You do look like him..especially in his clothes. Look, how desperate are you?
Derek:
I desperately want to prove to my wife, to Karen, that I can provide for her, and we’re mortgaged up to the tits – we bought at the wrong time, we rented a flat for a few years but ignored what was happening in the property market.
Barry:
But I’m skint – I earn enough to cover our mortgage and not much else, the wife has a little part time job at the bingo – but she gambles most of that. What makes you so special?
Derek:
I’ve just got this..plan --that’s the difference - for the first time in my life I’ve got a plan.
Barry:
Don’t get me mixed up in all sorts of fraud
Derek:
It’s not strictly..well.. Barry, I want you to let me hide here – your shift goes through the night, I could sleep here, there’s loads of store cupboards and old mattresses, just until I’ve sorted everything out, you know, until the wife has cashed in the payout from the pension, and the life assurance.
CUT TO MONTAGE SEQUENCE OF HOW DEREK IMAGINES WAKING UP IN A STORE CUPBOARD AFTER A GOOD NIGHT’S SLEEP, THEN TURNING UP AT HIS HOUSE, WHERE HIS WIFE IS DELIGHTED TO SEE HIM. AS THEY EMBRACE, A MAN DRAWS UP IN A CAR WITH A HUGE BAG OF CASH. DEREK HIDES BEHIND THE DOOR AS KAREN SIGNS FOR THE CHEQUE. AS BARRY DROPS THEM OFF AT THE AIRPORT THEY GIVE HIM A BAG OF CASH. CUT TO DEREK AND KAREN CLINKING COCKTAIL GLASSES ON A TROPICAL BEACH.
Voiceover Derek:
So that was it. Easy. Barry gets a cut, Karen’ s a rich woman and we can sell the house that’s been paid off and bugger off to Barbados or..New bloody Zealand. Only problem is that Karen has to live with a dead man. She might have found it hard to make me stiff recently but we’ll give it a good go in the name of freedom. Now, when’s my funeral?
FADE TO BLACK
SCENE 15. EXT. DAY. THE LOCAL PARK
BARRY AND DEREK ARE ON A PARK BENCH. DEREK IS OUT OF SHOT. BARRY IS STICKING A FALSE BEARD ONTO DEREK’S FACE
Derek:
Get a move on Barry. Bloody hell, Karen always said I’d be late for my own funeral.
Barry:
There you go, mate, noone will recognise you, not even the wife
Derek:
Thanks Barry. How do I look?
CUT TO A SLOW PULL BACK FROM A CLOSE UP OF DEREK’S FACE. HE HAS A PIRATE’S BLACK BEARD, JOHN LENNON STYLE GLASSES, A CLOTH CAP, AN EARRING AND A HERRINGBONE OVERCOAT THAT IS TWO SIZES TOO BIG.
Barry:
I could kiss you if you were a lady but you’ve got a big beard and all –
BARRY STARTS LAUGHING.
Derek:
I appreciate you raiding the store rooms in Barkley’s but if you’ve made me look a tit -
BARRY LAUGHS EVEN MORE
Derek:
I don’t want to attract any attention. We need to get our stories straight..
Barry:
Come on, let’s go. Remember I’m really paying my respects to me old mate Ray.
THEY GET UP AND WALK TOWARDS DEREK’S ACQUIRED CAR. DEREK CATCHES HIS REFLECTION IN THE WING MIRROR.
Derek:
Barry! I look like a missing episode of Last of the Summer Wine where Yorkshire gets invaded by undercover pirates.
Barry:
I did me best for ya.
CUT AS THEY GET INTO THE CAR.
SCENE 16 INT. DAY INSIDE THE CAR.
BARRY AND DEREK ARE ON THEIR WAY TO THE FUNERAL. DEREK ANGRILY TAKES HIS GLASSES OFF.
Derek:
I can’t wear those, we’ll crash.
Barry:
Eh imagine, being killed on the way to your own funeral.
Derek:
Hilarious. I can see the headlines now – idiot fraudster gets his just desserts
Barry:
Aye –the big puddin’!
Derek:
What are you on about? Barry, are you hungry again?
Barry:
Are we there yet?
Derek:
Bugger me, we are. Better stop.
HE STOPS ABRUPTLY AND A LORRY SWERVES TO AVOID THEM.
Derek:
Now I need my disguise.
HE REACHES INTO THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT AND PUTS ON A PAIR OF TOP GUN STYLE MIRROR SHADES.
Barry:
They was Ray’s favourites!
THEY LOOK AT THE STREAM OF MOURNERS. KAREN RUSHES IN, HELD UP BY HER FAMILY AND A MYSTERY MAN.
Derek:
Who’s that bloke?
Barry:
Quite a turnout. You must have been a popular sod.
THEY GET OUT OF THE CAR. REAR SHOT OF THE TWO APPROACHING THE CHURCH AS THE COFFIN IS CARRIED IN.
BARRY IS OVERTAKEN WITH GRIEF AND CALLS OUT WITH HIS HANDS ALOFT.
Barry:
Raaaay!
A NEARBY VICAR PLACES HIS HANDS ON BARRY’S SHOULDER.
Vicar:
Ray’s at 1 o’clock. This man was called Dirk.
Derek (vehemently):
DE-REK.
Vicar:
That’s right.
Barry:
De-reeeeeeeek!
THE VICAR GIVES THEM A PUZZLED LOOK AS THEY WALK PAST AND GO INTO THE CHURCH.
