My mother would have a fit if she knew I'd written this. My Nan was born a 100 years ago today and it tickled me to think of her turning up to claim her telegram from the Queen.
The sketch was knocked up in just a few minutes with very little editing so I'm not expecting great reviews but see what you think anyway.
THE QUEEN AND PRINCE PHILIP ARE ASLEEP IN BED AT BUCKINGHAM PALACE. AN ALARM CLOCK SAYS 2:27AM. A GHOSTLY FIGURE APPEARS ABOVE THE BED WHO HOWLS AND SHOUTS, WAKING UP THE QUEEN. PHILIP CONTINUES TO SNORE.
NANA: Oi! Where's my telegram?
QUEEN: (WAKING UP) Mm, he, wh-what?
NANA: My 100th birthday telegram - where is it?
QUEEN: Mrs?
NANA: Smith. Mrs Clara Smith.
QUEEN: Mrs Smith, it's 2:30 in the morning. One doesn't dish out telegrams at this time of night. Besides, we haven't done that in years - we do text messages now.
NANA: That's no good to me - I can't get any network coverage on the other side.
QUEEN: The other side? ITV?
NANA: No! The Spirit Channel.
QUEEN: Wait a minute - are you telling me you're dead?
NANA: Of course I am! Why do you think I'm floating above your head like this and howling like a banshee. I'm not on a wire you know.
QUEEN: When did you die?
NANA: April 14th 1992.
QUEEN: And it's your 100th birthday today? Mrs Smith, in the terms of the contract you actually have to live to be a hundred. Not 84 and be let off the 16 years for good-natured haunting.
NANA: I want me telegram!
QUEEN: I'll tell you what I'll do...
SHE SITS UP AND SPEAKS QUIETLY INTO THE GHOST'S EAR.
QUEEN: Philip will be up there in a bit - I'll ask him to deliver it to you personally.
NANA: Ooo, that's grand!
QUEEN: Now piss off and let me get some sleep!
END
