Another Leevil sitcom

Quote: Leevil @ December 2 2008, 2:31 PM GMT

Bump for thoughts from new members. I'm trying to have another go at this but I'm drawing blanks at the moment.

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I don't know why I am putting this up yet, even though I promised myself I would wait until I finished, but what the hell it's 2:30am and I'm feeling a little crazy

It's the very, very first draft and yes there will be spelling mistakes and probably other errors, but what the hell. I have the basic story idea in my head, but nothing is set in stone, so I have no idea where this can go.

I try to plan stuff out before hand and put down foundations in character development and plots but it just doesn't work for me. So this is a creation made from staring at a blank page and having a burst of inspiration to write for a few hours one night.

7 pages of randomness... - http://pc.celtx.com/project/f6oJwza2Ilxg (click on screenplay at the side to view the script)

Any feedback welcome, I don't mind, I can take it.

Thanks.

By the way, if there is any camera direction or anything that would normally be a no-no, it's because the script is intended to be shot by me one day, I hope(d).

I thought from the rabbit/cup scene and down was really funny, although I didn't get the last few lines? I think the beginning needs some more work to make it a little less generic but was still a decent scene.
As a side note the "milk" joke caught me off guard. Funny stuff.
Good job Leevil I look forward to reading more.

A nice bit of banter between Mark and Lee. I liked some of the quips especially the Asda reference and also when Alice and Lee are trying to build the flat-pack table. I think the bit with Thumper could be a really good visual if done right on camera.

Do you have any more written yet?

Def.

Thanks guys. Yeah Curt, the beginning definetely does need redoing/tidying up.

No more written yet I'm afraid, glad you liked it though.

Might work on it later and hopefully power through to the end.

For me, I think the action descriptions need to be more concise. Less you summarising what is happening and more brief statements of fact. The dialogue is working pretty well and got a couple of laughs, keep writing

Thanks MTC, much appreciated.

It's a pretty arresting opening I thought.

Some of your bits are pretty darn sweet, particularly the flat pack table scene. The dialogue could use some finessing but it's a solid idea.

Agree that you could tighten up your descriptions. For instance (and I hope you don't take this as an affront, I'm not attempting to tell you how to write your story):

"INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY

Nothing Compares To You plays as Lee (20-something) rolls around on the floor, signing along to it dramatically, really dramatically. For 30 seconds (if not more).

Mark (20-something) walks in, without disturbing Lee and watches for a moment.

Lee without seeing him, realises Mark is there and stops singing along and goes quiet."

Could go:

"INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY

Nothing Compares To You plays as Lee (20-something) rolls around on the floor, signing along to it dramatically. Really dramatically.

Mark (20-something) enters and watches for a moment.

Still unaware he has company, Lee goes quiet."

Quick fixes but they make all the difference. Keep it up, Lee.

Cup of tea and a biscuit, then I'll have a proper read.

This made me VERY happy.

Leevil one of my favourite people on here, not just because we're the same person, but because he knows how to do something many can't - and that's write flowing, easy on the eye (or ear?) dialogue.

That bit of sitcom was really funny, one of the best things I've read on here and definitely Leevil's best. Really funny, so stupid, and it just flowed with a wonderful sense of the silly.

Negatives? A bit to all over the place in terms of what was going on, but maybe I just read it too fast. And maybe the fact it zipped about would really work in 2008 - the TV execs are probably after something which zips about as it appeals 2 da kidz! Could you keep up the break neck speed of it? Was it written like that on purpose?

Were the characters different enough? Hmm, maybe not. The Lee character flitted between a bit of a dope, to being quite witty, so you've got to watch out for that. That was the only let down really.

The flat pack scene was ace, all the 'girlfriend reminding' bits were very funny. It had no unfunny bits.

Really impressed.

Really good... left me wanting to read more.

lovely stuff, some good lines. I liked the hover board line in particular.

Really enjoyed that, made me laugh which is it's main purpose and to be honest not a lot of stuff on here makes me laugh, not that other stuff posted here isn't good but it rarely makes me laugh out loud.

The "Like hover boards and that?" line made me laugh out loud. The whole dialogue between the two characters flowed really well, lots of funny lines and ideas (like the building the table bit) and it was easy to get in to.

Obviously it is your very first draft so these points I'm about to mention I'm sure will be worked on. But for the negatives, the characters maybe too alike and also as others have mentioned inconsistent. Also no real direction of where the plot is heading at the minute, unless the full episode is just a conversation about his girlfriend leaving him (which actually could be quite good, would be easy to shoot too). And lastly the scene descriptions could be tightened up, but I'm sure you know all that type of hoopla.

I really liked this. It's exactly the sort of humour I love. I laughed out loud a good few times, especially the scene about building the table together. The dialogue flowed perfectly. In fact I'm quite bitter that you wrote it and not I! It's in a similar style to one I (try to) use. keep working on it, its really good.

oh, and I really liked the beginning. Don't listen to anyone who says otherwise! It was one of the funniest bits. Personally.

Very nice work Lee. It really fizzes along nicely, and as others have said the dialogue is funny - but also works naturally. I remember ages ago you posted an earlier sitcom scene you were working on and you said you couldn't be arsed to carry on with it. Or summat like that. As I said then, reconsider. You have an ear for snappy banter-based scenes that knocks most people on here into a cocked hat, and it'd be a shame to let the shitter ones get higher up the pile than yours.

My fave line: "We've got a rabbit."

I liked the gags in this, nice.