SKETCH COMP 15-21.04.08

Belated congrats to FRED PETERS for winning! That's 10 shiny points and a day's subscription to a free newspaper of your choice (PM me for next week's subject please). Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
5 - 10 - Fred Peters
3 - 5 - Waring (new entry!)
1 - 1 - Nigel Kelly

The new subject is EDUCATION, chosen by Nigel Kelly.

Rules:
One entry per person.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything along those lines.
Please try and only post your entry and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 21 April.

Enjoy!

Overall Leader Board is now:

Points - Name

82 - Frankie
77 - Charley Rance
66 - Jude
61 - Fred Peters
60 - Baumski
43 - Michael Monkhouse
31 - Nigel Kelly
26 - David Chapman
21 - Paul Watson
20 - Dannyjb1
20 - Niteowl
20 - Lazzard
17 - Ellie
15 - Leevil
15 - Cinnamon
15 - Dale
11 - Steven
11 - Swerytd
09 - ajp29
09 - ShoePie
08 - Stylo
07 - Winterlight
06 - Hellboy
05 - Waring
05 - Tumble
05 - Bushbaby
05 - Greggles
05 - Happy Shopper
05 - Timothy Marshal-Nichols
05 - Rob B
05 - John Kelly
04 - Andy W
04 - losaavedra
02 - Imamazed
02 - Slack Bladder
02 - Paul Nash
02 - Boits
02 - Gavin
01 - David Bussell (NEW!)
01 - Wayne Lewis (NEW!)
01 - Charisma
01 - Skibbington von Skubber
01 - Ginger Jesus
01 - Nick Rivers
01 - Daddy Maz
01 - Martin Bickle
01 - Batman
01 - Ray Dawson
01 - Marion
01 - Tooting Jo

Spot any mistakes? There may well be, I'm a berk, so PM me. Thanks

SCENE. INT. CLASSROOM. DAY.

There are a lot of pictures in the background of female and male sexual organs.

Shot of the teacher putting a condom on a plastic penis.

TEACHER:
And that’s pretty much all there is to it!

Shot of 2 adults looking rather confused.

FATHER:
That’s great Miss Anderson, I know how it all works, but we want to know how our boy's doing in school.

TEACHER:
Well, if you really learned how to use one of these properly, you wouldn’t have to be concerned about your son failing with flying colours in every subject!

END.

GENERAL KNOWLEDGE

A CLASS ROOM FULL OF 13/14 YEAR OLDS ARE SITTING AT DESKS. A WOMAN TEACHER IS AT FRONT OF CLASS.

TEACHER:Class, we are now going to have a quick general knowledge quiz that I prepared last night.

THE CLASS GROAN, TUT AND SHUFFLE IN THEIR SEATS TO EXPRESS THEIR ANNOYANCE.

TEACHER:Enough! Right, who can tell me the capital of Australia?

A NUMBER OF HANDS SHOOT UP IN THE AIR. THE USUAL ‘ME, ME’ BEING HEARD.

TEACHERPointing to) Andrew Green.

ANDREW GREEN:Canberra.

TEACHER:Excellent. Okay, who can tell me the world’s longest river?

A SMALLER NUMBER OF HANDS RISE UP IN THE AIR. A FEW ‘ME, ME’ RESPONSES ARE HEARD.

TEACHERPointing to) Andrew Green.

ANDREW GREEN:The Nile.

TEACHER:Again, Excellent. Now, who can tell me the world’s highest mountain?

FOUR HANDS RISE UP IN THE AIR, THREE SOWLY, ONE QUICKLY. ONE ‘ME, ME’ IS HEARD.

TEACHERPointing to) Andrew Green.

ANDREW GREEN:That’s Mount Everest.

TEACHER:Correct. That’s very good Andrew. Okay class, who can tell me the deepest place in all the oceans?

TWO HANDS RISE UP IN THE AIR, ONE HESITANTLY, ONE QUICKLY. ONE ‘ME, ME’ IS HEARD.

TEACHERPointing to) Andrew Green.

ANDREW GREEN:It’s ‘Challenger Deep’ at 35,838 feet.

TEACHER:Well, that’s absolutely correct. I must say Andrew you really are so incredibly intelligent. Class, I think we should all give Andrew a tremendous round of applause

THE TEACHER BEGINS CLAPPING AND URGES THE CLASS TO DO SAME.

TEACHER:And standing!

THE CLASS SLOWLY AND BEGRUDGINGLY STAND WHILST CLAPPING. THE TEACHER THEN BECKONS THE CLASS TO SIT DOWN.

TEACHERkay. Andrew, please stand. You have shown the rest of the class how wonderfully talented you are and I’m sure they appreciate having someone of your calibre in their company to whom they can look up and aspire to. Please sit down.

ANDREW GREEN:Thanks mum.

(END)

INT
A class of 15 year olds.

Teacher
Today Class I am going to give you some education on the importance of being Earnest.
So if Earnest would like to stand up.

Earnest stands up. His wavy hair hitting the collar of his broad shoulders. His blue eyes sparkling.

Teacher
How important are you Earnest in relation to erm lets say the girls in this class?

All the girls in the class sit at their desks dribbling & staring at Ernest through glazed eyes.

Earnest
(Cheeky Grin) Pretty important I would say Sir. (Nods in his own agreement)

Teacher
How important would you say you were Ernest in relation to erm lets say the boys in the class?

The boys all give him the thumbs up

Earnest
I reckon I am pretty important to the guys too Sir. (nods in his own agreement)

Teacher
How important Earnest would you say you are to erm me, your Teacher of the class?

The teacher looks into Earnests eyes & smiles a warm smile.

Eranest
Well I would say due to my good grades, after school activities, charity work, athletic capabilities & the fact my father is the Headmaster, I am pretty important to you too Sir.

Teacher
Right sit down son.
Now class what have we learned.

A boy puts his hand up.

Boy
How important Earnest is Sir.

Teacher
No! We have learned that being Earnest makes you a cock.

SCHOOL DAZE

A CLASSROOM.
MR SMYTHE - a short elegant fellow - sits at a desk before JENKINS, a fat bored skinhead.

SMYTHE (patiently) Good morning Jenkins.

JENKINS Piss off.

SMYTHE That's no way to start a lesson.

JENKINS All right - piss off Mr Smythe.

SMYTHE That's better. In view of the new syllabus we have to be more understanding.

JENKINS Go piss yourself.

SMYTHE Today we're going over our mathematics homework. And I feel a little more attention is in order.

JENKINS Oh for Christ's…

SMYTHE Now if the square on the hypotenuse is directly proportional to…

JENKINS I don't care.

SMYTHE You may not care, but the examiners do. If the square on the…

JENKINS Listen mate. I'm young, I got all my life in fronta me, I really couldn't give two…

SMYTHE Please. You must consider how…

JENKINS That's it you boring useless pillockhead. I got me mates out on the piss, I got six billion things I'd rather be doing, I couldn't give two shits about education, you can stick it where the sun don't shine, I just wanna get the hell out and enjoy life…

SMYTHE Well if that's really how you feel, you may leave.

JENKINS Really?

SMYTHE Yes Sir.

JENKINS Thanks.

SMYTHE Come back and help me with my homework another time. It is nice to see you…

INT. DAY. PRISON CELL.

PRISONER 1: You know, I'll never understand why someone from your background ended up inside. You had a professional job, you're articulate, well educated.

PRISONER 2: I know.

PRISONER 2 HAS A FLASHBACK OF HIMSELF AS A BOY SITTING AT A DESK BESIDE A WELL.

PRISONER 2: (sighs) Oh well. Fancy a game of I spy?

ENDS.

INT DAY. A CLASSROOM

A MUSIC TEACHER SITS WITH A GUITAR.

PUPIL 1:
Sir, why don't we ever do some recent stuff - I hate Mozart.

TEACHER:
Ah but we do, we did The Beatles last week.

Pupil 2:
That was, like 50 years ago.

Pupil 1:
Yeah, we want songs about, ya know, issues and stuff.

Pupil 2: Like drugs and ...eating disorders..

Pupil 1:
Yeah, like why was that fat bloke on the telly saying he had bulimia?

TEACHER:
Well...

HE STRUMS HIS GUITAR AND STARTS TO SING...

TEACHER (SINGING):
AH THERE’S A FAT MAN CALLED JOHN PRESCOTT
WHICH RHYMES WITH JOLEON LESCOTT
BUT WHAT PREZZA HAS THAT HE’S NOT GOT
IS AN EATING DISORDER AND A BEER GUT
A MAN TRIED TO THROW AN EGG AT HIM
SO HE THOUGHT THAT HE SHOULD TWAT HIM
HE WANTED TO THROW AN EGG BACK TO HIM
BUT THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN A WASTE

LA-LA –LA LALALALALA-LA
LA-AH LA-LA –LA LALALALALA-LA

I PREDICT A DIET I PREDICT A DIET

I PREDICT A DIET I PREDICT A DIET

AH SO PREZZA TELLS ALL ABOUT BULIMIA
FOR SUFFERERS TO FIND IT EASIER
IF YOU BELIEVE THAT THEN YOU’VE BEEN AS
GULLIBLE AS SOME OF THE BEEB- AH
WHO LET TWO JAGS TAKE UP AIRTIME
AND GIVE THE FAT BASTARD A LIFELINE
TO GET SOME CASH FOR MORE TRIFLE
‘COS HE’S GOT A BOOK TO FLOG

LA-LA –LA LALALALALA-LA
LA-AH LA-LA –LA LALALALALA-LA

I PREDICT A DIET I PREDICT A DIET

I PREDICT A DIET I PREDICT A DIET

IS THERE’S ANYONE THIS SIDE OF THE POND
WHO DOESN’T THINK THE’RE BEING CONNED
I PREDICT A DIET.

THE KIDS LOOK ON AGHAST.

TEACHER:
So, you see?

Pupil 1:
No!

Pupil 2:
What's bullshitemia?

CUT

Comp's closed! Let's keep voting open till Thursday midnight (this weekend's a holiday out here and I'll be shooting off).

Charley, Classic Charley.

I would have said Fred Peters but for the fact he seems to have wedged a square peg topical comedy song into the "education" theme's round hole.

So my vote is for Paul W.

Yea Paul W gets my vote this week! Excellent Sketch!

Paul W gets my vote

Charley gets my cock

paul w

Good stuff all, I'm going against the flow and voting PAUL W who may just win it by a whisker. Comp's closed, results up and coming...