INT. FLAT. LIVING ROOM. NIGHT.
THE ROOM IS LIT BY CANCLE LIGHT. SOFT MUSIC PLAYS. A YOUNG COUPLE SIT CANOODLING.
MAN:
Go on, show me.
WOMAN:
(GIGGLING) No, no, I couldn't.
MAN:
Pretty please?
WOMAN:
But I hate them.
MAN:
C'mon, I bet they're just as cute as the rest of you.
WOMAN GIVES IN. MAN REMOVES ONE SHOE. MAN LOOKS REPULSED.
MAN:
Oh my god! No, no. Put it away, for the love of god, put it away!
Like idea. Just a thought but could this work if the dialogue happens without the visual.
i.e. In the sketch, you hear conversation in a darkened room so viewer is left in limbo about what part of the body is being exposed.[ Left to their imagination could be anything ]. Feet are a bit obvious perhaps.
Actually, yeah that's a good idea. The only problem is, it's scene taken from a pilot sitcom I've written, so the feet element comes up again later. I was concerned about the feet being obvious as well, great minds and all. Thank you for the suggestion, I might see if I can bring it in...
No - it's fine.
Maybe a close up of their faces first as they talk and then it's revealed.
It's good. The buildup is well executed.
Maybe show the girls feet and have them looking absolutely horrendous - corn plasters, dirty and long toe nails, some mould?
I think a simple "Oh my God" from the man would suffice or just a facial expression.
I liked it. Only suggestion would be to make it clear whose shoe MAN removed, cos dense me had to go back and check I'd got it right. I think I had, but better to make it easier for people like me to understand.
thanks, I'll take those comments on board.
I liked this. Some good suggestions there as well. I could picture him saying "oh my God" and running off retching.
Ah I didn't realise it was from a sitcom. You can nix my suggestion, young lady.
Yeah, whilst it's not really original, I still quite liked it. Needs smartening up a bit and it would be nice to see more, but overall nice joke.
I am very aware of a lot of the "jokey" scenes in my script not being original. This is the first thing I've ever written, so I'm just trying to use this all as a learning experience, working on just actually getting something down on paper ( ! ) plus structure ect before heading onto the harder areas! That's my excuse and I'm sticking to it.
That's fair enough. It's a good start. I don't have a problem with jokes that may not SEEM original, if you can get a laugh and don't abuse those types of jokes, it's all good.