Another bunch of sketches for a radio show loosely based on death.
SCENE 9. NARRATION
NARRATOR:
Certain members of society profit out of death.
SCENE 10. TESTATOR’S CAT
EXECUTOR:
And I leave my entire estate to my beloved cat
CATHERINE:
Oh Grandma, thank you so much. I will use this money wisely.
MR SLIME:
Ahem.
CATHERINE:
Who are you?
MR SLIME:
I’m Mr Slime and I represent the interest of the late Mrs Sidamoore’s beloved cat, Ginger.
CATHERINE:
Excuse me
MR SLIME:
It is quite clear from the passage which was just read that the intention of Mrs Sidamoore was to leave her entire estate to her beloved cat, Ginger
CATHERINE:
But I’m Catherine, Cat was the name which Grandma had for me
MR GREASE:
If I may intervene, I’m Mr Grease and I represent the interests of Beloved Cat, Mrs Sidamoore’s post man. He legally changed his name to Beloved Cat on Tuesday. He is the Beloved Cat which Mrs Sidamoore intended to leave her entire estate to.
CATHERINE:
This is ridiculous Grandma would never leave her entire estate to her postman or her cat.
MR GREASE:
My client was a loyal friend of Mrs Sidamoore for 2 long weeks. How dare you cast epergnes on the character of Mr Cat.
MR CREEP:
If I may call to the attention of the Executor that Mrs Sidamoore’s true intention was to leave her entire estate to my Clients. The
Charity for Advancing Treacle or CAT for short. Mrs Sidamoore was an avid fan of treacle and it was her true intentions to leave her entire estate to the charity which she often called her beloved CAT.
CATHERINE:
Why are you doing this, its so unfair she wanted me to have her money. You’re simply trying to cash in with your ten percent.
MR SLIME:
I thought it was twenty percent.
MR GREASE:
So did I.
EXECUTOR:
Wait a minute, there is another clause here. Under no circumstances allow any money to go to lawyers. Well I think thats…
F/X:
ALL THE LAWYERS LEAVE TO THE SOUND OF CARS STARTING AND DOORS SLAMMING
EXECUTOR:
…conclusive.
SCENE 11. NARRATION
NARRATOR:
People fight wars to prevent death
SCENE 12. PMQS
SPEAKER:
Prime Minister
PRIME MINISTER:
This tyrant has killed his own people, killed his neighbour’s citizens through unprovoked warfare and is developing weapons of mass destruction. In order to protect our interests we have to invade.
SPEAKER:
George Sidley
GEORGE SIDLEY:
Thank you Mr Speaker. Prime Minister if you invade do you have an adequate reconstruction plan?
PRIME MINISTER:
No
SPEAKER:
Alan Dugshaw
ALAN DUGSHAW:
It is reported that there is no evidence that he possesses weapons of mass destruction, do you agree?
PRIME MINISTER:
Yes
SPEAKER:
James Sledge
JAMES SLEDGE:
If they posess no weapons of mass destruction and you do not have a reconstruction plan why are you invading?
PRIME MINISTER:
They are a unified country, they have low crime, an efficient social welfare system and are popular in the Middle East. They are making us look bad. Oh and terrorism, nearly forgot that.
SCENE 13. NARRATION
NARRATOR:
Most people’s first experience with death usually involves their first pet
SCENE 14. DEAD PET STORE
F/X:
SHOP BELL
SHOP KEEPER:
Good morning
MOTHER:
Good morning
SHOP KEEPER:
Can I help you?
MOTHER:
Yes, we are looking for a pet for Ben here.
SHOP KEEPER:
I think we can help. Ben is it your first pet?
BEN:
Yes
SHOP KEEPER:
What sort of pet do you want?
BEN:
Bunny.
SHOP KEEPER:
A rabbit. Do you like the look of these ones?
MOTHER:
They’re adorable.
SHOP KEEPER:
Well as this is your first pet I think you should get one of these.
MOTHER:
What is that smell? That’s disgusting.
SHOP KEEPER:
Statistics show that eight percent of first time pet owners kill their pets. Therefore to test whether you are ready for a proper pet we give you a dead one.
BEN:
What’s wrong with the Bunny Mummy?
MOTHER:
How does that help? Can you put it away, please
SHOP KEEPER:
If you can stop it rotting after two weeks then you can have a live one. We have to think of the animal’s welfare.
MOTHER:
I think we’ll go somewhere else.
SHOP KEEPER:
You’ll regret it when you’re looking after a dead Bunny!
SCENE 15. NARRATION
NARRATOR:
Religion is a comfort to many people who deal with death
SCENE 16. LAST RITES
PRIEST:
I’ve arrived, did i get here in time?
DOCTOR:
Joe is near the end, you don’t have too much time
PRIEST:
Can you hear me Joe
JOE:
Yes Father, can I make my last confession
PRIEST:
Of course
JOE:
Forgive me Father for I have sinned its been 2 hours since my last confession
PRIEST:
Two hours?
JOE:
The Priest came round for his weekly rounds.
PRIEST:
Okay, go on my son.
JOE:
In the last two hours I accidently spilled some orange juice.
PRIEST:
In anger?
JOE:
No, I was having a heart attack. I was also rude to a nurse.
PRIEST:
What did you say?
JOE:
Its not what I said, I didn’t get up when she entered the room.
PRIEST:
Joe you’re seriously ill, is there anything you want to confess before you enter the next world, and remember Joe, God’s servants are very busy so try to avoid trivialities.
JOE:
Father, I’m not Catholic.
PRIEST:
You’re not Catholic! Why did you have two confessions?
JOE:
I was being polite plus the NHS food is disgusting, could I have my bread and wine now?
