British Comedy Guide

Phobia sketch

INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE – DAY

A PSYCHIATRIST AND HIS PATIENT.

DOCTOR:
And that concludes our session for today.

PATIENT:
Thanks, Doctor.

THE PATIENT GOES TO LEAVE.

You'll need to take the lift to the ground floor.

PATIENT:
What? You know I can't do that.

DOCTOR:
Consider it implosion therapy. Free of charge.

PATIENT:
But what about the stairs? I walked up here.

DOCTOR:
Out of order.

PATIENT:
How…?

DOCTOR:
…look, do you want to get over this phobia or not?

PATIENT:
Yes, but this is…

DOCTOR:
…perfect! And once we've tackled the lift thing we can get our teeth into your fear of midgets and… what was the other one?

PATIENT:
(SHIVERING)
Green velvet.

DOCTOR:
Right!

PATIENT:
I'm not sure.

DOCTOR:
Trust me. It's going to be okay.

PATIENT:
(PAUSE)
Alright! I'm going to do it! I'm going to beat this thing!

DOCTOR:
Now you're talking! Same time next week?

PATIENT:
You bet!

HE MARCHES OUT OF THE OFFICE.

INT. LIFT - DAY

THE PATIENT ENTERS WITH SOME TREPIDATION. THE LIFT DOORS SLIDE SHUT. HE TAKES DEEP BREATHS.

DING!

THE DOORS SLIDE OPEN. A MIDGET STEPS INSIDE. SWEAT BEADS ON THE PATIENT'S BROW.

THE LIFT DESCENDS.

THE MIDGET CATCHES THE PATIENT LOOKING AT HIM. HE THROWS OFF HIS COAT, REVEALING A GREEN VELVET JUMP SUIT UNDERNEATH.

MIDGET:
Eat it, candy pants!

HE LEAPS AT HIM, GRAPPLING HIM AROUND THE NECK WITH HIS LEGS. THE PATIENT SCREAMS.

INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE – DAY

THE DOCTOR RECLINES IN HIS SEAT.

DOCTOR:
Today has been a good day.

I liked this one. A little predictable, but fun.

It is predictable I know. I was hoping to capture for the kind of predictability Linehan and Matthews did when they did that bit about the sewage truck in Father Ted.

"This is the button that opens the door and this is the one that makes all the sewage shoot out. Have you got that?"

Nice. 'He leaps it him'? 'At him' surely. :)

Quote: Nigel Kelly @ April 9 2008, 4:59 PM BST

Nice. 'He leaps it him'? 'At him' surely. :)

Quite right. Ammended.

The line about 'budget cuts' is a bit unnecessary and cheesy. Holds the piece up.

If I'm writing a sketch, especially one with a clear punchline/premise I don't pepper one-liners all over it, it confuses it I think.

Quote: Seefacts @ April 9 2008, 7:04 PM BST

The line about 'budget cuts' is a bit unnecessary and cheesy. Holds the piece up.

If I'm writing a sketch, especially one with a clear punchline/premise I don't pepper one-liners all over it, it confuses it I think.

You make a good point. Thanks.

Good sketch.

I like it; you know whats going to happen but it doesnt stop it being funny; a midget attacking a man is always funny!

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