Al Fayed up

Al Fayed’s outrage.

TRAFFIC AND CITY CENTRE NOISES. A TRAFFIC WARDEN WHISTLES OH WHAT A BEAUTIFUL MORNING

TRAFFIC WARDEN:
That’s 25 tickets for today. Five more to hit my quota

Mohamed AL FAYED:
Oi, oi. You. What the bloody hell you doing?

WARDEN:
Writing you a ticket sir, you’re parked illegally.

MAF:
Infidel. Idiot. Do you know who I am?

WARDEN: (WITHOUT CONFIDENCE):
Mohamed Al Fayed?

MAF:
Aha. So you DO know who I am, even though we’ve never met. Someone must have sent you. Who sent you boy to do their dirty work?

WARDEN:
The local council did sir

MAF:
The local council. The council of elders. So they are in on it too. And who does the council report to?

WARDEN:
Err – the government I suppose. Or maybe the Queen

MAF (CRIES IN ANGUISH)
Heavens. Leave me alone. The council, the government, the Queen and her puppet master all in league. And just to heap more shame on me. And what if I chose not to accept this shame?

WARDEN:
Then you’ll have to go to Her Majesty’s court, sir.

MAF (ANGUISHED):
Her Majesty’s Court. Her Majesty’s court. And what will happen there?

WARDEN: TRIES TO SPEAK:
Well…

MAF (CONTINUING OVER HIM):
I’ll tell you what will happen. Witnesses will come out the woodwork, others will disappear. I cannot get a fair hearing in this country, so why should I, Mohamed AL Fayed go to the Queen’s court? Tell me, tell me young man. What should a dog do if it is loyal, but his master keeps kicking him? How can he ever achieve justice?

WARDEN: (CONFUSED)
Erm, maybe you could pay the fine, sir. You were parked on double yellows.

MAF (CALM)
Oh yes, silly me. You’re quite right. Now, who should I write this cheque out to?

Barbs, this was great until the last two lines. The return to normality killed it for me. Personally I think you should have stayed with conspiracy theory and tried to end the sketch in this vain.

Def.

Good sketch nice characterisation, and very pacy. But final line could be sharper.

Maybe as Al fayed traffic warden on radio says,
"He didn't notice the yellow paint was wet. Queue pigeon to shit on his head,"

I must just say, I love the title.

thanks for the advice. this is the one that didn't make it to Tilt, so will probably die a lonely death now.

You lazy bugger!

Get it off to NR and TS, you're in time for both of them (NR only just so chop chop). It's the kind of thing both shows would do, other wise you're turning your nose up at a potential £50