What Ya Smokin'

I have written this radio sketch with BBC7 - Tilt in mind. This is abolutely the first thing I have ever written, does it show?

(V.O.) Two boys are having a quiet night in discussing life.

BOY 1:What ya smokin’
BOY 2:A bit of weed
BOY 1:It’s not that skunk stuff is it, coz that’ll send you insane and all schizo like.
BOY 2:Well I dunno, how do ya tell?
BOY 1:mmmm, not sure. What did the geezer you got it off say it was?
BOY 2:He said that it was “some good shit”. Ere that’s not a skunk variety is it!?
BOY 1:Good shit eh, lets have a tug.
F/X:INHALES AND STARTS TO COUGH
BOY 1Still coughing) Oooo that is good shit, who did ya say you got it from?
BOY 2o you know dave?
BOY 1:What dealer dave?
BOY 2:Yeah that’s im.
BOY 1h he’s alright he is. You can trust im. He wouldn’t push any bad shit on us.
BOY 2:I hope not coz I’ve got me eleven plus tomorrow and I need to do well, you know what I mean.
BOY 1:Yeah my next school is all full up now too but dad said we’re not moving coz heez only just found us a dentist.
BOY 2:My dad says that if I don’t pass me eleven plus then I’ve got to go in for the school lottery, and people like us don’t win the lottery. Then he said that if I don’t get in the right school, I wont get the right job and if I don’t get the right job I wont be able to choose where I live and if I cant choose where I live, I wont get a dentist.
BOY 1:Which school do ya want to go to?
BOY 2ne that still sells chips.
BOY 1:Yeah me too, It has got me so worried I cant sleep at night and I keep falling asleep the next day in class.
BOY 2h no that’s all right coz dave says hes got something to help with that too!
END:

Hi.

I love the line: BOY 2: I hope not coz I’ve got me eleven plus tomorrow and I need to do well, you know what I mean.

It caught me completely by surprise and made me laugh. I think the sketch could actually end there, or soon after as that's the pay off to the build-up before.

Other than that, from a personal point of view I like the characters having names. Boy 1 and Boy 2 is a bit confusing if you scan through quickly. Also, giving characters names is the first step in actually building up their profile - their views, how they talk etc... If they are both just Boy X then the dialogue for the two is likely to be too similar.

You use shit quite a lot. Does Tilt have swearing? Maybe a bit, but I don't think to this extent. I'd tone down, maybe use kids slang like 'gay' or whatever else teenagers say these days.

But they're small points. That one great line shows you can write funny copy.

Thanks Barb, do you still need to give the boys names if they are not mentioned and it is written for radio?

Take your point regarding the use of the word 'shit', not sure whether Tilt would reject it on those grounds, doesn't the fact that the show doesn't air until after 11pm count for anything?

Do they still call it the Eleven Plus? I thought it was scrapped in the 70s.

bit of a bump this, sorry. But does anyone happen to know whether this sketch would be rejected by Tilt because of the swearing as suggested by Barbs? What is Tilt's swear policy?

Haha, good sketch, little thing I would like to raise, possibly double spacing your sketch, just makes it easier to read that's all.

Thanks, yeah just come out that way when I copied and pasted from my original doc in scriptsmart.

Still slightly concerned now about the swearing for radio, should I try to avoid it?

I don't think they're for swearing. I may have heard an "arse" in last weeks show, but that was about all.

It's not called the 11 plus anymore now. You could try SAT's instead.

Tilt's more about spoofing topical events as well, rather than just topical sketches, so I'm not sure how well it will fare with them. You could try NewsRevue though, it's more their sorta thing.

I think it's best to keep to very short pieces for Tilt unless it's a masterpiece. I think that the longer pieces will be reserved for the full time writers.

I'm not sure they'd turn it down simply because of swearing - probably depends who reads it and what mood they're in. However, if a show doesn't have much swearing and your sketch has a fair bit it implies you don't actually listen to the show and that you're sending the sketch on spec rather than having written it specifically for them.

My point about Boy 1 & 2 as opposed to names wasn't so much about whether their names are read - call them Zeberdee and Baldrick if you want. It's more that, for me at least, it's easier to think of Frank and Dave, for example, as people and then hyow they might speak, rather than to think of Boy 1 and Boy 2 as identifiable charcters.

I like the 11+/SATS twist.

However, I wondered if there was an inconsistency with BOY 1 saying, "...lets have a tug."

That makes it sound like he knows the terminology, etc. Maybe that's just me being picky?

It's some nice banter, but doesn't seem to go any where.

The lottery chips gag is a sweetie.

But I also think some of the lines are little to true to life. Such as the exchange on skunk, that just needs a little exageration to work.

Also the final line is a little weak. If you name what Dave's sleeping drug is it might work better.

Also good as it is, it's not really the sort of thing Tilt seems to be doing.

I liked this.

For a first effort it's very good. But it needs to be shorter, tighter and have a better punch. I'd cut the stuff about the dealer because, to me, it takes you away from your main idea.

Certainly shows like Tilt are much more gag-led than this. But you have a nice ear for dialogue.

Oh, and the 11+ does still exist, but only in places like Kent, so probably best to change that too.

Thanks for all your help here people. Nice to now that I can at least raise a smile with a few in this forum at least.

I promise that future work will be more polished, gag led, shorter and contain no swearing. Having just listened to last nights episode, I can't however promise that it will ever be 'beige' enough to be deemed worthy for inclusion in Tilt.

I'm not feeling bitter but I'm off to suck on a lemon.

I think it works fine. I would not name the drug in the last line. I think that most people have the sense to work out what it might be. If they don't they stuff them.