SKETCH COMP 3-10.4.08

Good stuff all round, cheers!

This time's winner is none other than NIGEL KELLY! That's 10 shiny points and the chance to know next week's topic before everyone else (PM me plis.) Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
3 - 10 - Nigel Kelly
2 - 10 - Charley
1 - 1 - Jude, David Bussel, Wayne Lewis

The new subject is BACKPACKING, chosen by David Chapman.

Rules:
One entry per person.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything along those lines.
Please try and only post your entry and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 10 April.

Enjoy!

Overall Leader Board is now:

Points - Name

82 - Frankie
77 - Charley Rance
66 - Jude
60 - Baumski
51 - Fred Peters
43 - Michael Monkhouse
30 - Nigel Kelly
26 - David Chapman
21 - Paul Watson
20 - Dannyjb1
20 - Niteowl
20 - Lazzard
17 - Ellie
15 - Leevil
15 - Cinnamon
15 - Dale
11 - Steven
11 - Swerytd
09 - ajp29
09 - ShoePie
08 - Stylo
07 - Winterlight
06 - Hellboy
05 - Tumble
05 - Bushbaby
05 - Greggles
05 - Happy Shopper
05 - Timothy Marshal-Nichols
05 - Rob B
05 - John Kelly
04 - Andy W
04 - losaavedra
02 - Imamazed
02 - Slack Bladder
02 - Paul Nash
02 - Boits
02 - Gavin
01 - David Bussell (NEW!)
01 - Wayne Lewis (NEW!)
01 - Charisma
01 - Skibbington von Skubber
01 - Ginger Jesus
01 - Nick Rivers
01 - Daddy Maz
01 - Martin Bickle
01 - Batman
01 - Ray Dawson
01 - Marion
01 - Tooting Jo

Spot any mistakes? There may well be, I'm a nob, so PM me. Thanks

Hans: I heard your family is full of fiddlers.

Johann: At least we keep it in the family.

Hans: Anyway, what you doing with that camping equipment?

Johann: Oh we're just going on a hike, a small camping trip, a trek if you like.

Hans: Bach Packing?

Johann: Yes.

When I go trekking with my 5-year-old son I always ensure he has something in his back-pack to make the going easier. Me.

Got to the camp site, opened up my backpack, nothing in it but a massive silk sheet, i thought it was a bit light, anyway just had to go straight home again... oh well not as if anyone died.

INT. DAY. OUTDOOR PURSUITS SHOP.

STUDENT: Excuse me. Do you have any rucksacks?

ASSISTANT: I’m not sure, hold on a moment please.

ASSISTANT MAKES PHONE CALL.

ASSISTANT: They’ll be here in five minutes.

STUDENT: Ok, your suppliers are very efficient indeed.

ASSISTANT: Suppliers? That was Up And Under I was talking to on the phone.

STUDENT: Who on earth are Up And Under.

ASSISTANT: My mates, the local gay rugby team. They’ll be here in a jiffy.

STUDENT: (confused) Gay rugby team? What? In a jiffy?

ASSISTANT: Did you or did you not say you wanted ruck sex?

STUDENT: I said rucksacks, the type you use for travelling.

ASSISTANT: There’s loads of them upstairs. Oh well, nevermind. If I could give you one piece of advice, as Baden Powell once said, ‘Be Prepared’, heh heh.

ASSISTANT HANDS STUDENT A LARGE TUB OF VASELINE. (SFX CARS BRAKING AND CAR DOORS SLAMMING).

ASSISTANT: That sounds like them now. Its showtime!

A GROUP OF BURLY MEN DRESSED IN A PINK RUGBY OUTFIT ENTER THE SHOP.

STUDENT: (worried) I only wanted to go on a gap year.

ASSISTANT: You’ll have a gap for a year alright and then some, believe you me.

THE RUGBY PLAYERS ADVANCE SLOWLY TOWARDS THE STUDENT ARMED WITH HUGE RUBBER DILDOS.

STUDENT: (sobbing) No, please, no.

THE STUDENT IS ENCIRCLED BY THE RUGBY PLAYERS. THEY PULL OFF THE RUBBER CASE OF THE DILDOS TO REVEAL FEATHER DUSTERS. THEY START TICKLING THE STUDENT.

STUDENT: Ha, ha. Stop tickling me. No more, ha, ha. Please no more.

UP AND UNDER TICKLE AND DANCE AROUND THE SHOP.

ASSISTANT: You are an extremely lucky young man.

STUDENT: (relieved) How? How come?

ASSISTANT: They’re going camping today.

ENDS.

Little Girl
I got a new ruck sack from mummy nana. Look it has Barbie on the front.

Nanna
Hmphhhhhhh

Little Girl
I have packed some stuff so I can join Aunty Merrion on her travelling trip to Australia.

Nana
Australia! (Cackles). How are you getting there then, flying with those sticky out ears you inherited from your pointless Father?

Little Girl.
(Pouts) Nooooooo! I am going on a plane. (Spreads her arms out & imitates a plane as she runs around the livingroom)

Nana
If I open the window a tad, a gust of wind will catch them ears & off you will go. High in the sky like a little girl balloon, with BIG sticky out ears. (Pulls her ears out) (Cackles)

Little Girl
But Nana I want to go on a real plane, with a pilot & a stewardess. I am going British Airways.

Nana
You mean British Earways. (Cackles)

Little Girl.
(Stamps her foot) No Nana no! Then I am going to join Aunty Merrion backpacking. Your Jelly Nana coz your not backpacking.

Nana
My back packs in every day, so there. (Sticks out her tongue)

Little Girl
(Screws up her nose, and places her hands on her hips) Nana you really are mean. You are just like Daddy says. You are an evil twisted coont!

Nana
(Nods) True ! But atleast my ears are to my head & not causing havoc in South America & Asia. (Spreads her ears out really wide & cackles)

FREE SPIRITS

EXT. DAY A WOMAN LEANS AGAINST A WALL AT A RAILWAY STATION WITH A BACKPACK ON HER BACK. SFX: FAR EASTERN SOUNDING MUSIC.

SHE IS APPROACHED BY A MAN, ALSO WITH A BACKPACK. SHE SMILES AND GETS A CIGARETTE OUT.

SFX: SOUTH AMERICAN PANPIPE MUSIC.

Woman:
Fag?

MAN 1:
No, just grew this moustache while I was backpacking?

Woman:
Oh cool as..where?

MAN 1:
I did South America, saw Inca settlements, hiked up Macchu Picchu and rode a llama in Peru.

Woman:
Isn’t that a bit cruel?

MAN 1:
No, it’s like, all low impact tourism, yeah?

Woman:
Wicked. I’ve just been up north in Thailand – saw the long necks, rode an an elephant, camped in the forest..

MAN 1:
Oh, isn’t the forest, like under threat?

Woman :
No, it’s all sustainable forest, yeah. Tell you what, it’s great to be away from the English

MAN 1:
Yeah, didn’t hear another English voice for a week in Peru..

A MAN APPROACHES, CARRYING A BACKPACK
SFX: SWEDISH SOUNDING MUSIC.
Woman:
Hi, have you, like been backpacking as well?

Man 2:
No, I’ve just bought this from Netto.

HE OPENS IT UP AND GETS OUT A 24 PACK OF SPACE RAIDERS.

Man2:
Only £6.99, these Space Raiders were 99p – they had sun cream for 59p –I’m gonna buy up a shitload for Benidorm.. ‘ere – ‘ave some crisps.

THEY MUNCH THEIR SPACE RAIDERS IN SILENCE.

SFX: ‘GANG BANG’ BY BLACK LACE.

CUT

Comp closed, voting open till Sunday night!

Fred Peters

Ditto! Fred Peters!

FRED PETERS.

Close between Charley and Nigel but it's NIGEL KELLY by a foreskin

Fred Peters foreskin.

If a raw, naked, trembling newbie may be so bold as to vote, I would like to vote for Waring

yeah tough decision but i've gotta say i'm with mikado on that one.

It was short and sweet you know? Not trying too hard