Thought I'd try post something worthwhile for my 1000th post. It's for radio.
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Mr Men Versus Roger Hargreaves
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INT. COURTROOM.
JUDGE:
Counsel for the Defence, do you wish to cross-examine Mr Bump?
DEFENCE:
Yes, Your Honour. Mr Bump, you claim that Roger Hargreaves misrepresented you in his unauthorised biography of your life?
MR BUMP:
Yes, he did.
DEFENCE:
How so?
MR BUMP:
He makes light of my condition of dyspraxia. It is, quite frankly, offensive to all sufferers everywhere.
DEFENCE:
As we can see here, it is no laughing matter…
MR BUMP:
Also, he made out I’m a really fat individual whose head and body are one big circle.
DEFENCE:
You must admit you are somewhat rotund, Mr Bump.
MR BUMP:
I’ve put weight on due to the stress of Hargreaves’ book being published. I used to be a normal human figure, admittedly a little blue in colour but, as my weight spiralled out of control, it’s a cruel irony that I’ve become the spherical buffoon Mr Hargreaves made me out to be!
DEFENCE:
But your name?
MR BUMP:
An unfortunate coincidence, given my condition.
DEFENCE:
What about the bandages you’re wearing now?
MR BUMP:
His vision brought on my drug addiction hell. These bandages cover the scarring.
DEFENCE:
Are you sure you’re not using this as a cynical opportunity to market your own biography, ‘Down To Earth With A Bump’, a sombre, reimagining of the same events?
MR BUMP:
I resent the implication that my book, available in all good bookshops, is somehow at the centre of this legal matter. My version, I think you’ll find, covers all the events in much, much, *much* greater detail and is a more comprehensive journal of the events of that time.
DEFENCE:
Mr Hargreaves finishes his book with you in a favourable light, does he not? Did you not finish that time of your life working in Mr Barley’s orchard?
MR BUMP:
(UNSURE) I did.
DEFENCE:
And what did your job entail?
MR BUMP:
Picking apples from the trees.
DEFENCE:
And how did you pick them?
MR BUMP:
(QUIETLY) I bumped into trees until they fell down…
DEFENCE:
Again, Mr Bump, for the benefit of the jurors who may not have heard you.
MR BUMP:
(GRITTED TEETH) I bumped into trees until the apples fell down.
F/X:MURMURS OF UNREST IN THE PUBLIC GALLERY
DEFENCE:
(LOUDLY) I put it to you, Mr Bump, that events transpired *exactly* how Mr Hargreaves put them!
F/X:UPROAR IN WITNESS BOX
MR BUMP:
(SHOUTS) No! It’s not true!
DEFENCE:
Yes, Mr Bump, it is!
JUDGE:
Order! Order in the court! Mr Noisy – if I have to tell you *once* more, I will hold you in contempt!
DEFENCE:
You do not suffer from dyspraxia, a condition which didn’t even *exist* when the tome was authored thirty-seven years ago!
MR BUMP:
(QUIETLY) You’re twisting the facts…
DEFENCE:
Pardon, Mr Bump. Could you speak into the microphone please?
MR BUMP:
I said it’s not tr—
F/X:BANG OF HEAD ON MICROPHONE
MR BUMP:
Ow!
DEFENCE:
Are you okay, Mr Bump?
MR BUMP:
Yes, I—woah!
F/X:CHAIR SCRAPING BACKWARDS. MAN SLIPS AND FALLS OVER IN WITNESS BOX. A BUMP IS HEARD.
DEFENCE:
Mr Bump? Mr Bump?!
F/X:A GROAN IS HEARD FROM THE WITNESS BOX
DEFENCE:
No further questions, Your Honour.
END
