Nightmare Journey

Please let me know what you think of this one, folks.

INT. DINING ROOM – NIGHT

A POLITE DINNER PARTY IS IN PROGRESS. A MAN BURSTS INTO THE ROOM. HE HAS NO TEETH.

MAN:
Sorry I’m late everybody – I had a nightmare journey.

CUT TO:

EXT. STREET - DAY

THE MAN IS CHASED DOWN THE ROAD BY FLAMING SKULLS.

HE DUCKS INTO A PHONE BOX. TRIES TO DIAL 999. KEEPS MISSING THE BUTTON.

MAN:
Come on! Nine, nine, nine!

HITLER’S FACE APPEARS AT THE GLASS.

HITLER:
Nein!

THE MAN SCREAMS. TEETH CRUMBLE FROM HIS MOUTH.

HE FLEES THE PHONE BOX. SPRINTS DOWN THE ROAD. FORCES HIS WAY INTO A HOUSE.

CUT TO:

INT. DINING ROOM – NIGHT

THE MAN WITH NO TEETH BURSTS IN. IT’S THE SAME PARTY AS BEFORE.

MAN:
Oh God, it’s happening again!

I really liked this, particularly the hitler bit, but I didn't understand the ending.

Agree with winty here. It was very good. Explain the ending Mr B.

I assume he's stuck in a loop. This wasn't for me David. Just didn't find it funny and no real rhyme or reason too it.

It's entertaining, but not especially funny. It's a lot of disconnected events, and a very odd twist.

Okay, I admit it, I got cocky. Here's a simplified version:

EXT. STREET - NIGHT

A MAN IS CHASED DOWN THE ROAD BY FLAMING SKULLS.

HE DUCKS INTO A PHONE BOX. TRIES TO DIAL 999. KEEPS MISSING THE BUTTON.

MAN:
Come on! Nine, nine, nine!

HITLER’S FACE APPEARS AT THE GLASS.

HITLER:
Nein!

THE MAN SCREAMS. TEETH CRUMBLE FROM HIS MOUTH.

HE FLEES THE PHONE BOX. SPRINTS DOWN THE ROAD. FORCES HIS WAY INTO A HOUSE.

INT. DINING ROOM – DAY

A POLITE DINNER PARTY IS IN PROGRESS. THE MAN BURSTS IN.

MAN:
Sorry I’m late everybody – I had a nightmare journey.

Better. This now has an ending and a punch line, whereas the other one just didn't go anywhere.

I liked that.

Yep, the rewrites a lot better. Like it.

Glad to hear - I knew there was a joke in there somewhere!

Could perhaps have him look down and see himself naked during the 'nightmare' journey?

Well, as I'll likely be playing the role of 'man' myself, you should ask yourself, how badly do you want to see me naked?

I like that, and he sits down as if nothing happened?

I was going to mention nakedness...

Okay, I'm hearing a lot of support for nudity. Here goes for the final version. Sooty, you'll notice I've incorporated your ending:

EXT. STREET - NIGHT

A MAN IS CHASED DOWN THE ROAD BY FLAMING SKULLS.

HE DUCKS INTO A PHONE BOX. TRIES TO DIAL 999. KEEPS MISSING THE BUTTON.

MAN:
Come on! Nine, nine, nine!

HITLER’S FACE APPEARS AT THE GLASS.

HITLER:
Nein!

THE MAN SCREAMS. TEETH CRUMBLE FROM HIS MOUTH.

HE FLEES THE PHONE BOX AND SPRINTS DOWN THE ROAD, HIS CLOTHES DISINTEGRATING AS HE RUNS.

A WOMAN STEPS OUT IN FRONT OF HIM.

WOMAN:
Oh, son, just look at you!

MORTIFIED, HE SKIRTS AROUND HER AND FORCES HIS WAY INTO A HOUSE.

INT. DINING ROOM – NIGHT

A POLITE DINNER PARTY IS IN PROGRESS. THE MAN BURSTS IN.

MAN:
Sorry I’m late everybody – I had a nightmare journey.

HE CALMLY TAKES A SEAT AT THE TABLE.