Prison overcrowding

Just wrote this - waddaya reckon?

SIR PERCIVAL, OF HOUSE OF LORDS, IS TALKING TO HOME SECRETARY

SIR PERCIVAL: Afternoon minister,

MINISTER: Afternoon sir

SIR P: How's the wife?

MINISTER: Oh, fine, fine. She's busy doing my accounts, it fulfills her need to be creative.

SIR P: Yes, lovely woman. And the children?

MINISTER: Good, good. They're a bit clingy, always following me around, but I suppose they have to justify their parliamentary salary somehow.

SIR P: Quite, how old are they now?

MINISTER: Harry's 12 and Hannah's seven next week. But you're never too young for a bit of light secretarial work ,especially on 30 grand a year.

SIR P: Well, make sure you give them some treats. Your childhood years are the most important, that's why so many of our members try to recreate them in the backrooms of Soho clubs.

MINISTER: Yes, thank you. And don't worry about the nippers. In fact, I've got them a little treat. A pet, well, not a pet as such, but a puppy to sponsor. You pay £2.50 a month and it even writes to you. Imagine that, a literate dog.

SIR P: yes, well, much as I would love to chat all day, down to business. Any thoughts on our prison overcrowding crisis? It's getting out of hand - I've got two convicted rapists doing 10 years in my closet.

MINISTER: Funny you should ask. I had a brainwave. A new scheme to cover our overheads in opening more prisons. I've prepared an advert to sell the scheme to the public. Here we are, sit back and enjoy.

GENTLE PIANO MUSIC STARTS UP.

V/O. GENTLE VOICE

Every year more and more people find themselves without a home and having to serve time at Her Majesty's pleasure. People like Adam. After committing a minor speeding offence, Adam found himself with no one to turn to and out of a job. Soon, he had nothing.

But in the UK prisons, we never turn anyone away, no matter how small their crime. Adam was given bed and board for the next two years and his own Playstation, toilet and ladyboy cellmate.

In the UK we pride ourselves on our humanity and, unlike America, never put a healthy prisoner down, though a few sadly pass away in holding cells. But this level of care doesn't come cheap. That's why we ask you to sponsor a prisoner.

Sponsoring a prisoner is incredibly rewarding. For just £20 a month, you can have the satisfaction of knowing you've given a criminal living facilities the average labourer can only dream of. Once a month, your prisoner will write to you (CHUCKLES) or at least try to. You'll get half an A4 page of four-letter anglo saxon insults and vulgar sexual outpourings. And a certificate.

Adam was lucky and found someone to sponsor him, but there are many more like him. So do your bit and sign up to sponsor a lag today. After all, we all deserve a chance to live a cushty life of luxury.

FADES OUT.

MINISTER: So, what do you think Sir Percival. Sir Percy? Percy?

SIR P: Hmmm ladyboy cellmate. Interesting. Remind me what this Adam chap's crime was.

It's got no pace, and it's too long. It's two sketches joined end to end, and neither is especially funny.

Hidden within the second one is a gem though.

The prisoners as pets, and never put a healthy one down. Thats the basis for a quick, sharp skit contrasting sentimentality over pets, and cruelty in prisons.

Also you need to be clearer on your target.

Ok - thanks. i'm not sure every sketch has to be ultra short, though. In my mind, his talking about his children and having seen the puppy advert (dog's trust - on TV currently) explains why he's come up with a bizarre solution for prison overcrowding and thus links the two halves of the sketch.

Oh not saying ultra short. One of my favourite skits of mine is "settle down basra", it's a 2 page monolouge.It's about pace, and the first half is very drawn out, and not many laughs. The second half is much better, and a clever bit of contrast (one of my favourite techniques). It's just a little lost in who it's actually targeting (prisoners as coddled scum bags, or as despised under class).

I mean a disconnected intro is a pretty good idea, for wrong footing an audience (much of comedy is surprise), but a page is too long. The style of conversation is also a bit expositional.

Fair enough. Sorry about the other night on that sketch of yours. I was somewhat bladdered and so got more and more drawn into a non-existant argument!

No worries, I may one day right my thesis on internet, body language, and lost inhibitions. You could always look up my epic debates on freedom of speech, and russel brand's willy auditioning for the maddy macanne movie.

Though I was tempted to point out the difference between witness as a verb and a noun ;-)

I might write a sketch about the prolific sketch writer and the pedant.

I like genocide, am beyond satire. I am the awful truth that is feared by all.

As for pedantry, I like to think of my self as the lone outpost of pedantic satire (a genre in it's self). Jokes must be accurate before they are funny!